Just when you think there’s nothing on TV, ABC has solved our problem. Why it was just yesterday I was thinking, those Geico caveman are so funny. Wouldn’t it be great if that one minute had 29 more! Yes, ABC is giving the intellectual cavemen their own show. Because Neanderthals have so much in common with Jack Bauer, Dr. McDreamy, and…okay, they have NOTHING in common with them. I just really don’t want to see the missing link dramatized on TV. Reminds me of boys I dated in junior high.

Paris Hilton. Oh, sighhh. Girl has a petition out for people to sign that will go to Governor Schwarzenegger, begging for her freedom. You know she is about to pee her pants right now. Mom Kathy says, “This is pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayer money with all this nonsense. This is a joke.” Are we talking about The Simple Life here or Paris’s sentence? Either way, I smell another reality series coming on. Or at least a Lifetime movie. What I don’t get is why did Paris drive in the first place? Why didn’t she think, “Hmm…wish I knew somebody who had a limo. Wish I knew somebody rich enough to drive me and Tinkerbell around.” I mean Dad has his own personal jet, so I’m pretty sure at the very least he could’ve fronted you some money for a cab.

Speaking of TV reaching a new low—so have I. I am reading the book Sink Reflections. It’s for those who are “overwhelmed, disorganized, and living in chaos.” It says it will change my life. I’m only on page 47, but I’m hoping a man is gonna pop out by p. 102.

Finally, the net is abuzz with the sad story of Star Trek’s Scotty’s ashes. They are lost somewhere in the mountains of New Mexico. The Trekkies are STRESSED. I don’t know why. Didn’t they WATCH Star Trek? The crew was lost every single episode, so you’d think they’d rejoice that the tradition continues even in death.

You know, when the world just doesn’t make sense, when I’m stressed to the max and yearn for things to slow down, I take comfort in remembering simpler times. I turn to … Justin and Britney…

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