Last weekend I saw a great movie. Enchanted. I told my students about it, but most were not impressed in the least. They are only impressed when we discuss movies that involve decapitation, blood, and guts. This movie definitely doesn’t qualify.

So the gist of Enchanted is that Giselle is a cartoon. And she lives in this perfect cartoon world. She wonders “Where oh where is my true love?” And within minutes (this is a perfect world, after all), she is in distress from a giant, globby ogre and guess who rides up (literally) to save the day? This totally hot cartoon guy. And within seconds they are in love. Call that unrealistic, but frankly, any guy who would save me from something that looks like a giant booger, I’m all his. So things happen and Gisella gets sent to a land that “never has happy endings.” They call this place New York City. (I call it a great place to buy a purse.)

And Giselle is so out of her element. She wears ball gowns. She consorts with nature’s creatures. But most importantly, she sings whenever the mood strikes. And dances. Like when she just can’t seem to find the right words, it’s okay because she is suddenly struck with the most perfect random choreography. You might say this is unrealistic, too, but no. It’s not. Haven’t you ever been in an awkward situation and you’re stumped for something to say? And wouldn’t you love to just break into singing and dancing and diffuse the moment?

“What? You think I jammed the copy machine and then walked off and left it for someone else to take care of? I have nothing to say! …But I will throw myself in the floor and do the worm.”

“No, Boss, I don’t know why the clock says I’m twenty minutes late. So strange. But this musical number just popped into my head. Would you like to see it?” Let’s face it, sometimes the only thing that can make a situation better is some jazz hands.

And haven’t you ever been so nervous and tongue tied that busting out in song would make it all better? Or a certain song would sum up your feelings best? Here are some examples.

When you want to thank the pilot for not smashing your plane into a mountain. “You raise me up! So I can soar with eagles! And I am stronger…when I am on your shoulders...”

When someone asks me what I want to see a lot of in the month of January: “Ice, ice, baby!”

When you come home and wonder if Fido has been taken for a walk. “Who let the dogs out? Woo! Woo! Woo!”

When you are sick of driving and just think you’ll put it on cruise and nap a bit. “Jesus, take the wheel! Take it from my hand…”

When you go to the freezer and see that at some point you ate the last of the Ben and Jerry’s. And though you have no memory of it, the ice cream is gone. “What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say. And watching you walk away. And never knowing. What could have been. And not seeing that loving you is what I was tryin’ to do!”

When you throw on sweats that don’t match, hair in a ball cap, and run to the store for mere seconds…and see everyone you ever went to high school with. “I’m bringing sexy back...”

When you’re hours away from Christmas break and can’t take anymore…
“S.O.S. please someone help me.
It’s not healthy… for me to feel this way
Y.O.U. are making this hard,
I can’t take it, see it don’t feel right
S.O.S. please someone help me
It’s not healthy… for me to feel this way
Y.O.U. are making this hard.“

When the barista tells you they are all out of whipped cream.
“That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats…
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…”

When you get that Christmas present from that certain relative who shops at the place where things cannot be returned. “Your presents stink, and they are an insult to good shopping! You are hereby erased from the family tree! And your holiday sweater is ugly too!” Okay, that’s not actually a real song. But it should be.

So see, songs can say so much. Especially when combined with some strategically placed flora and fauna. And a big poofy dress. Give it a try this weekend.
Or at least go see the movie.

Day two at work without any email.
That’s right–can you imagine? It’s been sheer torture.

So we’re all about energy conservation at my school. (Seriously, we have somebody whose job as “Energy Czar” is just to monitor our energy use and constantly pop in and out of the buildings AT NIGHT and check to see if our stuff is all turned off.) So I had to turn off my computer over the Thanksgiving Break. And it got mad. And lonely. And scared. And cold.
And just gave up.
When I came in Monday morning and pushed the beautiful power button. . . nothing happened.
I broke out in a sweat and started panicking. I tried EVERYTHING to get to power on.
Even administrered mouth to mouth. (Which was a little awkward.)

But anyway, it was DEAD. So the whole day I found myself just automatically going to my computer to see if I had email. But I didn’t. Because I only had a corpse of a computer. At our school ALL our communication is done via email. And we’re so large that I rarely see any other adults, and the only communication I have is via the computer. I was TOTALLY cut off, I tell you! Do you even understand my pain? They should’ve given me paid time off to grieve in peace until the problem was resolved.

Enter DAY TWO.
Today.
Still no computer. And nobody really doing anything about it.
And just when I was at the point of not being able to carry on any further, I get an email tonight.
Tomorrow morning there will be a new computer waiting for me! Woo-hoo!
I can see clearly now the rain is gone! Doodley, doo, (insert other words here) Here is the rainbow I’ve been wishing on! Or something like that. . .
But I hope they don’t take down my illegal extension jack.

So other than that, no news to report. I’m just glad I didn’t have to rally all of you to prayer for my computer-less work day.

But I am distressed over Hulk Hogan’s wife filing for divorce. Like I told my friend Kari, I think maybe you can only love a man in spandex for so long.

And so far Brit’s custody case is closed to the public. Which is a shame because it would’ve made for some good reality TV with all the network shows moving into reruns.

Have a great Wednesday.

Mondays… they’re way too frequent. And why do they have to follow a weekend? Why make the worst day of the week follow the best TWO DAYS of the week? BUT…I only have to get through this week then I get to wear JEANS through all the month of December at school! YIPPEE!! All because I donated money to a local charity. And only 25 bucks! Is that not the best deal ever? I would donate a KIDNEY in order to wear jeans to work all month, but they only asked for twenty-five george’s instead. Wearing jeans makes me very, very happy. And makes me a better teacher. It’s a win-win situation for everyone. The only way to possibly top it would be an all-sweats-January. (Are you listening, school administrators?)

If you’ve been around long enough, you KNOW that I have these mad rhyme skills. I was just born with it. Much like Prince William was born with good looks, Orlando Bloom good hair, and Dolly Parton her…um friends…but me? I was born with the ability to touch hearts with my soul-opening-poetry.

Here’s my Monday gift to you. I call it. . . Oh, Jeans.

Oh, Jeans
Jeans, you are so lovely.
Jeans, you are so true.
I think of you often.
I like you cuz you’re blue.

Jeans mean I don’t wear heels.
Jeans mean I don’t wear hose.
Jeans mean I have laughter in my heart
And sometimes it comes out my nose.

Denim is a heavenly fabric.
God surely was behind Levi and Strauss.
And now I’m kinda stuck here.
Cause I need to use the word “blouse.”

Jeans make me feel oh so special.
Jeans don’t make me feel under the weather.
Bet you wish you could wear jeans in Dec.
Then we could all be happy together!

(insert snapping and clapping here).
Thank you, thank you.

Speaking of charities, a few weeks ago my church did something we call Blessing Baskets. We assemble a bunch of food in sacks (Blessing Sacks doesn’t sound as nice) and distribute it to those in need. It’s always a really cool time. Lots of people come out to help. And no one is too small to pitch in. Like this little guy:

He was totally eyeing the cans of chili. Which I happen to have been guarding.

Finally, I’ve seen a few movies lately. Saw Fred Claus. I really wanted to like it–but I didn’t. Maybe I’m an Elf devotee, so maybe I thought it would be along those lines. Saw Dan in Real Life. Didn’t like it either. But my friends really did, so who knows. (Okay, I do! It stunk! I’m totally right here!) Also saw Enchanted. More on that later, but it was a TWO THUMBS UP!!!

I think I’m having delayed tryptophan reactions. Suddenly I’m very, very sleepy. This could be serious. I might need to stay home from work and observe this. . .

Have a great Monday.

Just a quick post. It’s only 7:44 p.m. here, but I should’ve been in bed two hours ago. Seems Early Bird Sales (I capitalize it because it’s a holy time for my family members) start even EARLIER this year–four a.m. If you check the JCPenney online ad it says “Open At Four” then there’s an asterisk. The fine print reads: Unless prohibited by state. The shopping hour of four a.m. is so indecent some states have OUTLAWED it!!! Unfortunately Arkansas isn’t one of them. . .

So in a few hours I guess I will be getting back up. I will brush my teeth, throw on the sweats closest to my reach, and head out the door and join the rest of the ladies of my family. And I will wonder again why we don’t make it a gift card holiday.

A few years ago on Black Friday I was walking around the juniors department of a store, and I felt this pinching in the buttal area of my jeans. (If buttal isn’t a word, it should be.) The pinching turned into burning, but I just kept walking around, despite the fact that invisible hot pokers were apparently hiding in my pants. So we finish shopping and run to the car to drive to the next spot, the sun still not even up yet. I sit down, strap myself in. At the first light, I feel something different in the buttal area. Tiny legs. I raise out of the seat, yank my jeans down, and there…is a wasp.

Yup. Trying to hibernate in my jeans.
Either it stung itself to death or I suffocated it with my butt flab.
And no, the other cars at the stop light didn’t see. It was too FREAKIN’ EARLY!

So if you are shopping on Black Friday beware of people stealing parking spots, pressure to buy the latest Elmo who can do only God knows what this year (and frankly until it’s CLEAN MY HOUSE ELMO, I’m not interested), and…most of all do not ignore any burning sensations.

May the force be with us.
See you next Monday.

Once again it’s time to reflect upon the things I am thankful for.

1. I’m thankful that Michael Jackson no longer lives in this country. I don’t know why I care, but somehow I sleep better knowing he’s elsewhere.

2. For my family not sending out MISSING alerts on me. With the writing and working situation what it is, I don’t know if they remember me. But I will be the one in line for pie Thursday. Holding the extra big plate. And Tupperware containers to take home.

3. For fajitas. Oh, dear fajitas, I can’t imagine a world without you. Though my butt probably could…

4. For tryptophans in turkey. This is the amino acid that makes you sleepy after your big family dinner. In my family, nap time is met with scorn, so I like that I can blame my rogue napping ways on turkey. Once a year I can snooze without being jarred away with questions like, “Shouldn’t you be out cleaning your garage or mopping your driveway?”

5. I’m thankful they didn’t have Teen Vogue when I was a kid. I pick up the mag now for research for my new series, and let me just say it celebrates fashion, excess, and anorexia. While I celebrate fajitas…

6. The writer’s strike. I don’t really get to watch TV anymore anyway, though I love it so. Now everyone gets to join in the misery of life without doses of television. And you people wonder why I’m crabby all the time? Feel my pain!

7. I’m grateful Oprah’s Favorite Things episode was today, and once again, I wasn’t on it. I simply couldn’t store all that cool, free stuff. But…ONE DAY, OPRAH WINFREY!!! ONE DAY!!!

8. I’m thankful I don’t have school. And for my students reading this: No, I won’t miss you. I’ll see your faces soon enough. And if you see me shopping on Black Friday, you are to walk the other way and pretend you never saw me. Unless you’re buying me a gift. Then I’d be glad to talk to you.

9. I’m appreciative of the fact that a local store is opening at four a.m. for Friday’s shopping, but I won’t be a part of it. I’m taking a stand. NO. The only people up at four a.m. are third shift workers and crack dealers.

10. I’m thankful you stop by my blog throughout the week! (Awwwww…..) One day I will reward you with something to say that’s actually significant and meaningful. But that’s a long way off. Like 2048 or something.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!