It does not stand for Birthday Excellence. B and E stands for Breaking and Entering.

So last Sunday was my birthday…but let me back up a bit and tell you that earlier in the week I got a message on my phone that went something like this:

“This is the local police department. We wanted to let you know that Mr. Joe Schmoe, a registered sex offender, is living in your neighborhood. Do not approach or harass this man. He is blah, blah, blah.”

And you know, for some reason I have yet to remember to welcome this guy to the hood with some cookies. So a few days later I come home after dinner with my family (including my favorite, strawberry pie…yum). It’s 9:45 p.m. I sit down at my computer…and the door bell rings. Nobody ever rings my doorbell.

Nobody except new neighbors who might be mad that I didn’t bring them any cookies. So my brain is on overload (remember the night I set off my own alarm?), and I’m like, “I’m not gonna get it! It’s him! It’s him!” And then, “Of course I have to get it. Whoever is out there SAW me pull into the garage.” So then I grab my cell phone (Should I have 911 already to go? Should I call someone and be on the phone when I answer my door? “Oh, hi, Convicted Rapist, I’m just on the phone with my 300 pound boyfriend who has anger issues and a rabid pit bull. What can I do for you?”)

ANYWAY…I look through the peek hole and there stands my two friends, Kim (she’ll be breaking) and Leslie (in the role of Entering). And they’re like (insert monotone) “Hey. Happy Flippin’ Birthday. Sorry we forgot it. Take your stupid balloon.” Seems they had been at my house for over 2 hours. And how did they spend that time? Trying to break in to decorate. (Maybe I should call the Convicted Sex Offender and warn him about them.)

Let’s recreate the scene…

Do they look suspicious or what? Total criminals. I’m surprised the city police didn’t call me about THEM. They spent over two hours trying to get into my house, and guess how many neighbors called about it? NONE. None would be the correct answer. Neighborhood watch–at it’s finest.

But I got a pan of brownies (which ironically I can’t eat) with flaming candles.

The numbers on the cake blocked to protect the old.

The girls also brought me my favorite two flavors of Ben and Jerry’s–Strawberry Cheesecake and Chocolate Fudge Brownie. It was all really nice, in a house-violating, diet foul sort of way.

Switching topics, can we have a moment of silence for Wayne “Frosty Freeze” Frost? He was a pioneer of break dancing. He starred in the old movie Flashdance, and his moves led to head spinning everywhere in the 80s and beyond. Wayne “Frosty Freeze” Frost, I will think of you every time I practice my worm. Which I still can’t do. Twenty years later. But I’m not bitter. Maybe if I added a few winter adjectives to my name I would be more successful. Or if I practiced more. (I had the same problem when I played the trumpet in junior high. )

In other news, on Thursday Oprah had the first man to be pregnant. Of course, he’s a he-she. There’s been surgeries. There’s been hormones. And obviously there’s been a frontal lobotomy because who in their right MIND would go to all the trouble to change over to a man, but leave certain parts just so you could have a baby? The guy is married…not like there wasn’t a 100% lady around to carry the next generation. If there is ANY perk at all to being a man (besides peeing quickly), it would be not going through labor. I guess on one hand it’s nice that this woman married someone who was willing to go through labor for her. I personally would be satisfied with a husband who remembered to take the trash out and that the house should always be stocked with Oreos.

Okay, have a great weekend. Saturday is the last day to enter to win one of FIVE copies of book two, On The Loose. Read Monday’s post to get the details. And next week…a chance to win a copy of THE BIG PICTURE. I had a student read it and return it this week, and he had deep, expressive things to say about it. He said, “It was good.” Wow. The way he went on. Anyway, you’ll have to decide for yourself if it’s worth any more praise than that–like a sentence with FOUR words.

just kidding!

Happy Weekend.

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