One of my heroes died this week. Harvey Korman. I LOVED and lived for The Carol Burnett Show. I would watch it in the evenings on TNT and especially during the summer. The trio of Carol, Tim Conway, and Harvey Korman was amazing. My favorite thing to watch for was when they’d break character and get the giggles. Like in this sketch, where Harvey doesn’t say much, but he cannot keep it together.  Sketch comedy will never be the same.

In happier news, last year a guy named Kent Couch attached 105 balloons to a lawn chair and flew almost 200 miles. He lost the video camera on landing, but recently a farmer found it with the footage intact. It is unreal. It’s not on youtube yet, but you can see it HERE. And it turns my stomach. I hate flying of the traditional sort. I do applaud his use of the lounge lawn chair over the basic sort which just let your legs dangle. Nobody wants dangling limbs at 10k feet in the air. Yeah, that’s how high he got. The video shows him flying ABOVE an airplane at one point. AND there’s no seatbelt on his chair. He said you don’t need one. Um, well, I would. What else would keep me from jumping out in a freakout frenzy? You’d have to put me in a straight jacket and GLUE me down. On the video he’s just as calm as if he were lounging on the beach. I’d be foaming at the mouth, shaking like a chihuahua, and bawling so hard the volumes of snot would probably throw us off balance and we’d crash into a mountain.

The footage reminded me of an After School Special in the 80s. After School Specials were these movies that would sometimes come on every few months around four o’clock. They would always have really deep titles like “Susie Takes Too Many Vitamins” or “Dustin’s Dangerous Day of Driving Without His Hands At Ten and Two.” I can’t remember what it was about, but I KNOW there was one that included a boy who tied balloons to his chair and flew. Even then I wanted no part of that.

I think this one was a little before my time (I hope), but here’s a good one. My Dad Lives in a Downtown Hotel. Wait for the end so you can hear the announcer’s enthusiasm over the title.

Apparently in the 80s besides the dangers of too much Aqua Net, hitchhiking was a big deal. I’m so glad we had this after school special Andrea’s Story: A Hitchhiking Tragedy to teach us all not to catch rides with perfect strangers. I never would have known that otherwise. Don’t watch all of this clip because it’s stupid (and not in a funny way), but watch the first minute where perfectly normal people are sticking out their thumbs from street corners like they have a profession that has absolutely nothing to do with hitchhiking.

So yeah, this week’s PSA is if you hitchhike you, too, will look like an 80s prostitute with bad roots. Just say no.

Speaking of youtube, this kinda cracked me up. Stay ’til the nose reference.

Have a good weekend!  Only a day and a half of school left!

Jen

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Oh, I LOVE Memorial Day weekend. It’s like a warm-up for summer vacation. In fact, it’s gonna be hard to go back to school this week. If we hadn’t had snow, we’d be out, but as we all know, I’m always okay with that tradeoff. I love me some snow days.

So this weekend was fairly productive. I finally wrote some pages on the second book of the new series (did I mention there won’t be a Katie Parker IV?). And I read a few books. And I (dun, dun, dunnnnn) PAINTED!!!

I have painted almost all the rooms at least a few times in the seven years I’ve been in this house. Some of them have been painted about five or six times, though not necessarily on purpose. Anytime I take on a painting project something always goes wrong. And it’s not because I’m a crappy painter. I’m a decent painter, if I do say so myself. I don’t know what happens. It’s like I open a can of Valspar and negative energy attaches itself to my roller.

I have not painted my dining room and kitchen since I first moved in. A long time ago I spent DAYS giving it this special Italian finish. It was supposed to be a tuscan gold glaze, but it didn’t exactly work. I had to mix this orange in with the gold, and when you look at the finished product you KNOW the orange ATE all the gold. So I never really liked it from the get-go, but it was too much work to fix. So it’s taken me allll this time to repaint it. Plus I was too busy repainting my bedroom 500 times to get to it. But yesterday I was like, “No more! I’m going to paint today!” So after church I went and got the stuff.

So long orange wall!

“Hi. I’m an orange wall, and I clash with absolutely everything, If Martha Stewart saw me she would set me on fire.”

So I had this pretty reddish brown picked out. I have loved it ever since I stepped foot in the Shogun restaurant’s bathroom. And I always thought, “How will I ever show the guys at Lowe’s that this is the color I want?” And maybe a year later someone smashed in part of the wall in that bathroom (yay!), and I thought, “They won’t miss a little more of the paint.” And I peeled some off. I’ve kept it for like two years.

And then yesterday when I went to Lowe’s (”Hey, it’s Jen! She must be repainting her bedroom.”), I made this split decision to not go with the red/brown. I don’t know why. But I couldn’t get the red. I mean, what if my love for the color was really just about my love for some good fried rice? Because it’s probably more than a coincidence that I get my designing inspirations in restaurant bathrooms. Anyway, red is kind of out, even though I LOVE this color. And I couldn’t go with the popular chocolate brown because that’s what color my bedroom is this week. So I wanted a coppery/bronze. So I got the paint, and for some crazy reason it went on really well. Few mishaps. The tape went up quick, and I was done in one night! I knew it was too good to be true.

The paint job looks great. The color…not so much.

It’s like Burnt Sienna. You know, the crayon that was always sharp in the pack because NOBODY ever used it??? That’s what color my walls are now. So I traded orange for brownish/orange. It’s pretty much the color of dog barf. Or adobe. I now live in an adobe. AND it’s the same color as the cabinet stain in the kitchen, which is NOT good. When I get up for my 3 am Twinkie snack, the last thing I want is trouble finding the cabinets.

Yeah, basically I will be painting it again before summer is out. I don’t know what I do to deserve these things, but when it comes to painting, it stinks to be me. I think I’ll just move the Twinkies into my bedroom. I don’t want them to get lost.

Have a good week. ; )
Jen

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So Psycho Kitty (may he rest in schizo peace) was an excellent guard cat. I live in a wooded area, and there are ALWAYS spiders, bugs, and even snakes in my house. (Read more about my scintillating snake history HERE.) Luckily I have yet to see a snake (it’s early yet), but the spiders are out in full force. And my remaining cat, Simple Miller (he’s special) does NOT give two kibbles about chasing bugs and being all predatory. I really dislike that about him.

So last week I go to wash my hair and there above me…is this.

You can’t really tell but he was HUGE. As in I needed a WMD to nuke him down. This spider could’ve taken over the world. And he was RIGHT OVER MY HEAD. Staring at me. Daring me to wash my hair so he could jump in it and do his spider business.

But does my cat who should be into stalking and hunting care?

“Purring…sleeping…eating…staring at the floor…what else is it I’m supposed to be doing?”

So yeah, had to take the octopus-sized spider down myself. And on the same day my friend Sheila, who is the funniest person I know and recently got married, had a critter encounter herself. I could describe it for you. But instead, here’s her email. Directly copied. Without permission. Violating her rights of privacy. Who cares.

Let me start out by reminding you that I have THREE (count ‘em) THREE CATS.

So Joel bought a gas grill with his Lowes gift cards that we got for gettin hitched.
So last night Joel grilled pork chops.
So today Sheila decided that trash smelled particularly ripe from the Styrofoam thing the pork chops were wrapped in.

So I don’t remember if the door to the trash was open or closed (it’s in a little trash closet if you will) but what I do remember is pulling the bag out of the can (can you call it a can if it’s rubbermaid?) and thinking, “hmm, not much in here, sure is light, but sure does stin..”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am not afraid of mice. But when one crawls OUT of the trash can, over my hand, and scurries behind the refrigerator I tend to scream bloody murder.

So then Joel, my husband of 9 days, saunters in (I kid you not, it may have actually been more of a leisurely stroll) and casually asks “What’s wrong?” Thanks honey

I apologize for screaming like a girl and explain that what looked like a rat just tried to kill me. And now it’s behind the fridge.

So Joel proceeds to pull out the fridge. I find two of the three cats and position them strategically in the kitchen….

Nothing. Great, he’s going to think I made this all up.

Finally Moses starts sniffing around and the cutest little mouse (it looked much more sinister as it tried to gnaw off my hand) scurries under the dishwasher.

FANTASTIC!

So I grab a thing. It’s one of those awful As seen on TV! things. This one’s main use is to get the lint out from the hole that holds the lint catcher in the dryer vent. But wait, there’s more!
Shut up, it seemed like a brilliant purchase at the time, and in my defense I bought it at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Not from those TV guys that pretend to be sorry they won’t let you pay by C.O.D.

So Joel gets down on his ample belly on the kitchen floor with this giant pipe cleaner (that can double as an extra arm of your fake Christmas tree in a pinch) and I am envisioning him being pulled under the dishwasher by some R.O.U.S (that’s basically a giant rodent for those of you keeping score at home)
and do you know what he has the audacity to do?

The cats love their fake mice. You know the kind, they used to be made of poor unfortunate rabbit fur until PETA threw a fit and now they’re made of furby fur? The cats eat their tiny fake leather mouse tails and then bat them around until they get bored. Inevitably they disappear. Under the couch, under the bed, under the dishwasher…..

So while I’m expecting a real live rodent to come hightailing it out from underneath the fridge, Joel finds one of the fake ones.
Not the Hunter orange one, not the Old Navy teal one…. the black one.

He pulls it out from underneath the fridge, screams…as though he’s in eminent danger and slings the fake mouse in my general direction.

Screaming ensues.

the worst part is that it scared the cats more than it scared me! They took off out of the kitchen and haven’t gone back in yet.

No we don’t have mouse traps (hello, three cats!)

No, I don’t know where the mouse is.

Yes, I am fairly certain it’s still in the house.

This is why I am still awake at 11ish p.m. even though I have to sub for 8th grade tomorrow! (I’m totally using any down time to finish the Katie parker series..LOVE it…) (I’d ask you if there is going to be a fourth installment but I’m not sure if you’d get the humor of it)

Anyhoo, We get onto the cats ALL THE TIME for bringing dead and half-dead, clinging to life lizards into the house all the time…. but a mouse somehow gets into the house and they run for the hills!

We’re going to visit my mom this weekend, so I really hope the mouse gets the heck out of dodge before then.

But with my luck, he’ll jut invite all his friends.

Good stuff. If anyone deserved a grill for getting hitched, it’s her.

On a final note, I about had a coronary Wednesday night on Idol. I had recently become aware of the plague sweeping the tween culture known as “David Archuletta Must Be the Next American Idol.” And I was scared. Very scared. These guys can text in their sleep. So when Seacrest (did you see him dancing? What the heck? Stop that!) said the winner had an additional 12 million votes I thought we were sunk. But it turns out the new median age for Idol viewers is 40 and the right David won. There is justice in the world. I like Archuletta, I just…he has some marinating to do. Actually I think Syesha will probably hang her star on Broadway and show them all, but whatever.

Have a great Memorial weekend. May it be free of ROUS’s.

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A few weeks ago was Teacher Appreciation week. This is the holiday in which we say thank you to our educators with tens and twenties. I hope you observed the event accordingly.

A student I had last year handed me a sweet little note last week. I thought I would share.

Dear Ms. Jones,

On behalf of teacher appreciation week and you being a pretty bad good teacher, I thought I would give you a very appreciative letter from myself. You’re welcome.

So here are some legit reasons for why I love you, sort of:

-You aren’t a mean teacher (Note from Jen: Not mean? This hurts my feelings.)

-You like me from than Kelsey (from Jen: another student, one of her BFFs)

-You taught me how to speak. Now I OWN when I give speeches.

-You’re sarcastic (you taught me well in that area) (Note from Jen: I totally DO NOT teach sarcasm. I’m so sure. But if that job ever comes open, I seriously want it.)

-Because God sort of loves you, so I have to, I guess.

-You’re an author (woo!)

-You’re fashionable…ha, ha, ha (Note from Jen: WHAT does that mean? Are you saying sweats are not appropriate professional attire?)

-You watch Gossip Girl (NFJ: I think she meant Masterpiece Theatre)

-You put up with me. (Amen to that, sister.)

-Let me skip seminar/study hall to hang with you. (NFJ: I have no idea what she’s talking about. That also sounds unprofessional, therefore I would have nothing to do with that.)

-You have not one but two Facebooks. (NFJ: One for each personality.)

-Kept my awesome artwork. (She creates psychotic, deranged artwork of bipolar characters. So why WOULDN’T I hang that on my wall?)

-Cause your class was super hard easy.

-You make fun of people like Kelsey.

That just shows only 1/1,000,000,000 of my love for you. I hope you feel honored by me doing this because it took about 3 hours and 12 minutes and 13 seconds to do. (From Jen: Just a thought, but you could’ve made me 3 batches of brownies in that same amount of time.) If you ever change schools, I will cry and then go cut my wrists. Yeah, that’s right I would, Ms. Jones. I just wanted to let you know. (She’s KIDDING. She is so not a cutter. Even though she draws them and makes me hang their pictures on my walls.)

Love,

Hammy A. (Your favorite student. Tennis Player. Honor Student. Superstar. Future President. Disciple of Christ.) (NFJ: And cutter-wannabe)

So there are perks to being a teacher! You could get awesome letters like that. And clearly I need to work on my being mean. I think I’ve slipped a little.

Well, it’s Tuesday night as I write this, and I need to do my thumb and index finger warmups for American Idol. Go David Cook!

Have a great Wednesday.

Jen, Non-Mean Teacher

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Okay, I had a blog all typed out and then it just DISAPPEARED when I loaded a stupid picture. AUGH. LOVE Wordpress. LOVE IT. (Actually I hate it and wish someone would nuke it off the face of the earth.) And THEN I set WP to publish it this morning and it ATE IT AGAIN!!!  I don’t know what is going on but two things we can be certain: somehow gremlins are involved and WordPress STINKS.

Who even knows what my MIA blog was about. I’m sure it was the best blog post ever though. It probably would’ve changed lives just by it’s very existence.

So this weekend I saw a movie (big surprise). Watched What Happens in Vegas with Kutcher and Diaz. And in my humble opinion (IMHO), What Happens in Vegas SHOULD stay in Vegas. I didn’t really like it. It had some cute moments, but mostly I was bored. And wishing someone would cut Ashton’s hair. I also had some friends over for dinner so I would HAVE to clean my house. It halfway worked. My house is pretty clean, but if you opened any of the closets, it would take you until Christmas ‘09 to dig yourself out.

I have been LOVING all the emails lately. Keep ‘em up! I thought I would address a few of the questions I’ve gotten.

1. What do you do for fun? Assign detention.

2. Do you DDR? (And no, that does not mean Dungeons and Dragons) I am not so hot at DDR, but maybe one day, if I practice really hard and don’t let up on the dream. But you have to admit, there comes a time when you have to say, “I am too old for this. My walker keeps getting in the way.” And when that day comes, I will retire my DDR ambitions.

3. What does your dining room table look like? It’s a Dell keyboard. i eat over it every night when I email for hours on end write books.

4. What book are you reading right now? I’m reading the Enquirer and trying to see if Jessica and Tony Romo really did break up. Oh, I’m a big believer in only reading deep intellectual tomes that enrich the mind. So I’m currently reading War and Peace, the entire works of Emily Dickinson, and Shakespeare’s historicals.

5. How do you spend your free time these days? Voting for David Cook on American Idol.

6. How are you going to spend your summer? I will be writing a book in quick-like fashion and probably morphing into a stressed-out shrew. I will combine that zany fun with kitchen painting (which I will somehow find a way to screw up and turn into a three month project which will take me from shrew to full on Medusa), wtaching Gossip Girl reruns, and practicing my bi-yearly yoga.

7. What do you want to accomplish next? I believe in setting high goals for my personal improvement. So my next project will be to learn a new language. I’m thinking Canadian.

Have a good week. Just think–next week there’s NO Monday! Woo-hoo!

Jen

7 comments