Okay…so I saw Fireproof. Ahem. Nobody dies. I’m sorry to put that awful rumor out there in cyberland. NOBODY DIES. And there’s not even a Dalmatian in the entire movie, so I apologize to the dog community, as well. But I had the goner fireman picked out right from the beginning. I really do recommend this movie. The more people who get out there and support faith-based films, the better these movies are going to be. I didn’t see Facing the Giants because of a rumored tissue requirement, but I hear the production and acting is 100x better in Fireproof movie. (So those elements in FTG must’ve been ASTRONOMICALLY bad…)  Anyway, if you can get past some unnecessary bad acting (don’t get me started) and a few corny lines, you will enjoy it. And the idea behind it is great. No wonder there was such a demand for the Love Challenge book, which prior to the movie did not exist.

So to wrap up Minneapolis (don’t worry, I’m done with my stream of consciousness lists), I did get an early flight out. I got to bed the night before I left about one-ish after a marathon packing event, which starts out in the first hour with me being all organized and when you fast forward about six hours, I’m madly throwing stuff in a suitcase so I can get an hour of sleep. Anyway, woke up at 3:00 a.m. to catch a 5-ish flight. I had the best flight experience on the way to MN. On both flights, I had the row of seats to myself. So I got to stretch out. I found that the most unladylike seating positions really helped with my plane death anxiety. Though I think it might’ve brought traveling stress to some of my fellow passengers. Especially ones who are into crossing their legs and polite stuff like that.

I got to my hotel in Minneapolis, and after lunch with some writers, went to the famous Mall of America with my friend  Christa Allen. Christa is a fellow writer, short girl, and teacher. When I was checking her blog recently, I found this quote from one of her students that made me laugh out loud : Why would anyone title a book Obama Nation? When you say it kinda fast, it sounds like “abomination.” Don’t say you didn’t just now say that out loud because I sure did. . . and the kid is right. (And Christa, please give me this student’s name because I would like to run all future titles by him/her.)

When we got to the MOA, it was barren because it was a school day. I was a little bummed because although I am not a big fan of crowds, you have to have SOME people in a mall to give it some energy. It was pretty much me, Christa, the janitorial staff, and some random kids skipping school to make a Sbarro’s run.

I didn’t take a lot of pictures in Minneapolis. I don’t know why. I think I kept forgetting. But I’ll share the ones I do have.

This is me and Ashley, who is all hot stuff at Brio magazine. But she also sleeps on floors, so I dunno. I hope she didn’t get floor cooties. This was the evening that followed the Day of Bad Hair. And that is the top portion of the dress that was waaayyy too low. And you can see my slip that I did emergency surgery on, and it turned out okay…from the outside. But let me just say things are very awkward under that dress. I might as well have used duct tape. I think it would have been less lumpy.

Here’s me and Danica Favorite, writer, organizational wonder, another fellow short girl, and roommate number 2. I have no idea why my neck is red, but this is an example of the Nervous Skin Plague thing I do when I get stressed or have revealing clothing issues. This was also taken on Day of Crappy Hair. Those are my favorite pair of earrings, and I freaking broke them while taking a ten minute nap. GRRR! If I was going to lose my earrings to a nap, it could have at least been a worthy hour-long one.

LEGO Land impressed me at the Mall of America. I used to play with Legos, but I could never build anything. My brother could. I’d build like a four sided…um, thing. So seeing this big working clock-o-Legos brought back the old jealousies.

But my brother never made anything like that. None of his Lego creations moved or told time or anything. And neither one of us became fry cooks who bitterly dream of being architects or engineers, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

In Arkansas we do not have a DSW shoe store. This was like shoe mecca.

It was like walking into a Zappos or something. Shoes as far as the eye could see. Expensive shoes, cheap shoes, in between shoes. I felt a real sense of peace just being in the DSW presence.

Here’s Dora the Explorer’s balloon ride at Nickelodeon. This is about my speed of ride. The roller coaster wraps around it and all through the building. Sadly, it was not going at the time. I would have loved to have gone on it. . .ha!

I always read author Meg Cabot’s blog, and she is frequently whisked away for signings in a limo. All 120+ of us Christian fiction writers loaded onto school buses. This will be no surprise to anyone, but I was with the group who didn’t know where to go and almost missed the bus. Walking to the mall would’ve really sent my Crappy Hair Day into a totally new realm of disgustingness.

Most of the authors thought the bus was such a novelty and a blast from the past. The few teachers on there just shared a sigh.

Speaking of sighing, my signing table was right in front of this soap store. Yes, I said soap store. I go to a soap store, too. It’s called Wal-Mart.

Now I’m not overly sensitive to perfume, but I thought I was gonna swoon with all the cakey cleanness coming out of this place. I could hear my brain cells shriveling up. And if you refer back to my “almost missed the bus” paragraph…we know I need all the brain particles I can get.

Here’s a pic of authors Virginia Smith (L) and Sarah Anne Sumpolec (R) on the bus.

They did not sit in front of the soap place, so they are all smiles. They probably sat in front of Au Bon Pain or something.

Okay, so you know how I’m always seeing “famous” people? The only one I saw on this trip was Jack Nicholson. Circa 1975. And you have to hold your left eye closed. And squint with your right.

The BEST part of the book signing event was meeting these two girls, Grace (L) and Kayla (R). They are new to reading Christian fiction, but they are SUPER excited about it.

LOVED, LOVED, LOVED meeting them. Are they snazzy dressers or what? I tried to bribe them with candy to stay and block the soap fumes, but they wanted to see Terri Blackstock and other big names who were not signing in a vapor of Rose Petal Delight and Eucalyptus Euphoria.

Two things I did not get to see in Minneapolis are the SPAM Museum and IKEA. I thought about bailing on the signing and crossing the 8 lane highway to get to IKEA, but I knew my odds of survival were not that great, and I had a cat to think of.

One last pic. Of all the cutbacks airlines have and all the STUPID fees you have to now pay (I’m waiting for the seatbelt charge), American Airlines has come up with the AA rockers. I’m not even kidding.

These things were at every American Airlines gate. I guess you’re supposed to feel like you’re on your front porch back at the farm. Where you don’t get charged for one suitcase. And you don’t get frisked and patted down just because you forgot you had a water bottle in your backpack. And you can have unlimited pretzels. And your life isn’t just one big series of delays. So I hope that rocking chair thing goes well for you, AA. Personally, I’d rather have a massage chair, but whatever.

Hope you have a super fabulous week. This is our Homecoming week at school, so I’m probably supposed to dress like a theme or something and don’t even know it. If it’s Sweats Day, I’m going to be so mad.

JEN

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Wow, quite a bit has happened this week. That jet crashed and two semi-celebs had to slide down the wing and do stop, drop, and roll. Ed McMahon took work in a rap video. Then the whole economic craziness–to bailout or not to bailout. I mean SEVEN HUNDRED BILLION? Could you not have said something sooner? Like when you only needed four hundred billion? Rumors of marriage counseling for Brit and Kevs. Clay is out. LiLo is out. And McCain cancelled last minute on Dave Letterman, only to show up on the evening news with Katie Couric, who admittedly is cuter than Dave; but when the poll numbers are sagging, you do NOT want to make Letterman mad. AND maybe the worst of it all, you can only use the new Facebook. I HATE the new Facebook. Please McCain and Obama, if you want my vote, address THAT issue. (And my whole “sweats for teacher uniforms” idea, which I think still has a lot of life in it.)

Anyone going to see Fireproof this weekend? I am. But I’m not happy about it. I do NOT like sad movies, and word on the street is, this one is sad. Can we JUST ONCE have a funny, lively, spoofy comedy from a Christian filmmaker? Where are the Christian Will Ferrells? The Christian Jack Blacks? I do NOT watch sad movies. Why do I want to pay to be upset? And like my sister-in-law said, there are firemen involved, so you KNOW someone is gonna get knocked off. Um, Backdraft anyone? What guarantees instant tears? Killing a hero. And puppies. So though I have no proof, I’m guessing a fireman and a Dalmatian probably bite it at some point. I will let you know. And yes, I know there’s a good message about marriage in there, but at the risk of a dog or man in uniform, I don’t care!

Okay, so to conclude my plane ride mental breakdown, here are the final entries to my list of rambling comments from my trip home from Minneapolis.

1. OMG. I just looked out the window. There are freaking clouds out there.

2. Song on my iPod: “Dreaming With a Broken Heart” by John Mayer

3. “Flying With A Full Bladder” by Jennifer Jones

4. Flying is like when they give someone one contact for bifocals. Some things just shouldn’t work.

5. More freakin’ turbulence. OMG. OMG. OMG. Let me off at the next town!

6. I smell Cinnabon…if we go down, I WILL maul this person for a lick of icing.

7. Had to break down and use the bathroom. I need an in-flight catheter.

8. No soap in the bathroom. Wet wipes. Wow. That would be really great if I was wearing a diaper. And I’m not.  On this particular flight.

9. (Upon exiting the first plane) Thanked the pilots profusely. Thank you for a safe flight. Thank you for not being suicidal today. Thank you for not crashing into a major mountain range.

10. “I Will Rise” by Chris Tomlin.

11. “I will Foam At The Mouth Upon Landing” by Jennifer Jones

12. (On plane number two) Somebody seriously needs to vacuum on here. This is worse than my house.

13. Somebody needs to take me out with a tranq gun. You know, like the kind they use on rabid baboons who escape from the zoo.

14. I need to workout. If I live, I’m totally gonna do that. And be kinder to strangers. And floss every day. And smile more. And read some classics. Okay, just floss on the even days.

15. Who farts on planes? I mean seriously, WHO farts on planes?

16. “Wanted: Dead or Alive” by J B Jovi

17. “Wanted: Feet on the Ground” by J B Jones

18. Plane descending. . . and shaking. . . and wobbling.

19. I seriously need a massage. I’m about to chew my pen in two.

20. Says Billy Idol the Flight Attendant, “The blue light is on above me. No we’re not having a sale. It means turn your iPods off.”

21. “I’ll be coming by and trick or treating for all your trash.” Billy Idol.

22. The doctor from house is on the AmericanWay magazine. I bet he doesn’t like flying either.

23. Why is no one else bothered by all this jostling? I mean seriously, do we have to accept these conditions?

24. Carried on my 3 Musketeers, but forgot my meds. Why am I not surprised…?

25. Are we there yet?

26. Yeah, though I descend on American Airlines. I will fear no evil. . . but this turbulence is scaring the crap out of me!

27. On the ground. Praise the Lord. I wonder if I gave the pilot fifty bucks if he’d do some donuts on the runway.

28. Billy Idol called the smoking section of the airport “smoking aquariums.” Seriously, this guy needs a stand up gig.

29. “Contents may have shifted…” I know my contents have shifted.

30. Captain Bumpkis….seriously? I mean, seriously. Thank you for not revealing that moniker until we safely landed.

And I guess I did forget to mention, but In Between won YA Book of the Year  from American Christian Fiction Writers. Okay, I didn’t forget to mention it, but it seemed a little weird to toot my own horn. Usually if I brag, it typically runs along the lines of “Miller didn’t puke up anything today!”  Or “I only ate THREE bags of Fritos this week!” But whatever. The award is nice, too.

Have a great weekend. Even if you see a sad movie.

JEN

10 comments

That’s me at the Mall of America book signing. Look how excited I am to be there. That picture was taken by the lovely and hilarious Gina Holmes, founder of Novel Journey. I check that site daily! And my hair…ugh. That’s what I call my “I swear I washed my hair this morning” do. Of course you have bad hair when you have a day in which you need high performance from your tresses. Stupid hair.

I think we’ve established that I don’t like to fly. In fact, I hate it. It doesn’t stop me–I fly a few times a year. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get on the plane assuming my life is moments away from a fiery ending. It’s not that I’m afraid to go. It’s that I’m afraid to go in flames. No getting around it–that’s gonna hurt. I’m usually okay when we’re at cruising altitude and no longer shaking and shimmying and fighting with gravity. Here are a few irrelevant thoughts that went through my spastic brain mid-air.

1. (Prayer on plane)  Dear God, even though I’ve eaten enough this week to feed a small country, and now would be a good time to die calorie-wise so I don’t have to run all this off…it would be super cool if that didn’t happen.

2. White flakes falling from the ceiling. I’m TOTALLY gonna look like I have massive dandruff. Will they let me off for hair issues?

3. No seriously. It’s SNOWING in this plane. I look like Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club.

4. I hate takeoff. I hate takeoffs with fake airplane dandruff.

5. Sudoku= Sudookie. I just don’t get it.

6. All male flight attendants. None of them hot…what is the point?

7. Gonna try and catch a flake with my tongue…

8. Would I assist in an evacuation since I’m sitting on the exit row? SURE! (Was that believable? Because, um, like no way. It is every short girl for herself. Dude, if we go down, all rules are off and I will go Jackie Chan on you.)

9. The girl next to me has her iPod on, and it’s not time for electronic devices. She could bring the whole plane down!

10. The flight attendance on the intercom is a total comedian. And he looks like Billy Idol. A very feminine Billy Idol.

11. I love airports!

12. I hate flying!

13. Before a flight, I always eat whatever I want in case it’s my last meal. And it ain’t no salad, you know what I’m saying?

14. What was that noise?

15. I have to pee.

16. The woman behind me has tuberculosis. I know it.

17. Seriously. WHAT was that noise?

18. Oh, geez. Here we go. To me, takeoff is like reverse bungee jumping.

19. Wow. The plane is really shaking. . . No wait. That’s me.

20. I’m never flying again. Never.

21. No. This plane IS shaking. . . . . praying, praying, praying. I have a cat who needs me. I have students who–  Like i said, I have a cat who needs me.

22. Reese’s Pieces make everything better. Wait! Don’t want to eat too many though. What if it shifts the weight balance, we crashed, and everyone would be all like, “You just HAD to eat that last one, didn’t you?”

23. Another woman with TB! Cough with your mouth closed!

24. I’ve accidentally kicked this woman’s seat five times. You know she’s about to turn around and knock the snot out of me.

25. Watermark’s “Captivate Us.” Good stuff. Hope my mad harmony skills aren’t bothering anyone. Personally, I find them soothing. Probably a ministry to all those around me.

26. I want to tell Billy Idol The Flight Attendant he’s doing a good job. I am such a teacher.

27. My wrinkles aren’t from age. They’re from scrunching my face during takeoff. If AA can bill me for a bag, can I bill them for Botox?

28. I should put my books in the SkyMall catalog. Right next to the FitFlops and the Nighttime Bunion Regulator.

29. Why did I drink three glasses of tea before this flight? First air pocket we hit–it’s over.

30. The girl beside me just gave me the “no humming” look. It just comes out when I breathe!

31. The pressure in my air conditioner vent could part the Red Sea.

Oh, yes, there’s plenty more useless thoughts were those came from. I know–riveting stuff, right? But I am doing a yoga speech tomorrow for my students (and yes, I purposely picked that topic so I could wear sweats. I’m not a total idiot.), so I better go review my downward salutations and sun dogs. Or something like that.

Happy Wednesday.

JEN

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Am I the only one who sees a cuss word if you do a quick squint at that title?

So just got back from grand old Minneapolis from the American Christian Fiction Writers conference. It was a great week. My brain is just…mush. I’m pooped. Simply pooped.

I was supposed to continue my WWE trip pics, but I’m too tired to load the pictures. So I will just share a bit about the conference. (Also sans pics. Refer to lazy excuse in previous sentence.)

These things are a lot of fun. You mix and mingle. (Okay, I don’t. I zero in on one person and ask them 20 questions until their eyes start to glaze over. Then move on to my next victim…) You eat. A lot. You go to classes on writing, marketing, etc. There’s some great worship. And a keynote speaker. This year Angie Hunt blessed us with her presence. You see a TON of Christian fiction writers which is always cool.

Like last year, I keep a running list of comments that pop into my head. I’m a commenter. I’m somebody who has an opinion about EVERYTHING I see, hear, or smell, whether I share it or not. And as a huge people watcher/commentator, it’s hard to be in the presence of nearly 500 folks and NOT have my homegirls (Thelma, Louise, my mom, etc) to share it with. So I list so my brain won’t explode. This time I got 101 items. Ahem…here we go. This could be the most boring thing ever.

Random Conference Thoughts Popping in My Head

1. Would it be bragging to show perfect strangers my new retainer?

2. Why does makeup done in a hotel room make me look like a funeral parlor project gone horribly wrong?

3. Feather pillows. What the heck? Does this hotel hate me?

4. So tired. Is it rude to sleep through someone’s class on “Being a Lively Writer?”

5. Am I evil to skip worship and read the new People? Until they ask me to solo and do my tambourine dance to Amazing Grace, I refuse to feel the guilt. Every year I offer to shake it for Jesus…

6. I’m in a non-mingler’s nightmare.

7. (Thought at 2 am)  There’s something about a pillow case stuffed with lumpy feather wads that makes me miss my mentally challenged cat.

8. Books, books, books! Writing, writing, writing! Can’t we talk about something else? …Like Grey’s Anatomy?

9. I need a shot of Botox between the brows.

10. Schlumpy posture–it’s the new black.

11. You really can sleep with your eyes open.

12. Next time I’m packing a week ahead. No more two hours of sleep the night before a 3 a.m. wake-up.  I am death. Warmed over. Then microwaved. And grilled. Over hot coals. Then torched with a flame thrower.

13. I just said “freakin’” to a wholesome Christian author. She looked a little shocked.  I think I might’ve just dropped the Christian version of the F bomb.

14. Worn black the whole week. I’m in mourning. For sleep.

15. I think I would listen and absorb more if the classes were presented in a musical format. Landing an agent, Phantom of the Opera style……..Writing a Best Seller, as sung by Annie and Daddy Warbucks.

16. I miss email.
I miss Facebook.
I miss 24/7 access to a refrigerator.

17. I forgot my Fritos.

18. How is freakin’ inappropriate to some, but “abreast” is still generally acceptable? Frankly, people, your boob lingo offends me!

19. Real conversation:
Writer 1: What award are you up for?
Me: Shortest Author of the Year

20. If I taught a class, I’d set it to the tune of “Crank Dat Solja Boy.” And everyone must dance.

21. I’m in class. Learning how not to be a demanding diva of an author. So asking for Candy Bar of the Month Club in my contract…too much?

22. Someone just told a Calvinist missionary joke. Is now the time to work in the new one about Pamela Anderson’s bikini top? It’s a zinger.

23. True story:   Small classroom. Lady in second row asleep. Total body fold-over. I literally watched her for a few minutes to make sure there was breathing, and she wasn’t dead.

24. Not a lot of ADD Christians here. Is there a class on paying attention? Because I need to take it. I wonder how many flowers are in this carpet…

25. If I drop my glasses one more time, I’ll be wearing a monocle.

26. In class. The People magazine is calling my name. Must. Resist.

27. If there was an award for Worst Posture 2008 at this banquet, I’d be bringing home the gold. And the silver…and the bronze…

28. I love Midol.

29. Red peppers with breakfast? Surely you jest. You’re offensive to my potatoes.

30. Call 9-1-1. My hairspray can is broken.

31. T-shirt seen on another hotel guest: Go ahead. Make my pork chop.

32. Twix for breakfast. If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

33. “Marvelous.” I don’t ever use that word. I might work on that next week. Instead of writing. Or teaching. Or shaving my legs.

34. The sum total of my thoughts at the awards banquet:
Oh crap. Oh shoot. Oh crap…Hey, I have to pee.

35. Me at the airport Sunday still trying to find my gate with five minutes to spare: 
Oh crap. Oh shoot. Oh crap…Hey, I have to pee.

36. I love lunch.

Well, that’s it for the conference thoughts until Wednesday. The other million of them are strictly from the flight. We all KNOW how much I love to fly. It’s what makes my world go round. Stayed tuned for details on Billy Idol’s twin and in-flight Trick-or-Treating.

I really, really enjoyed meeting people this week and surviving the flights. But I’m THRILLED to be back to my pillow, my house, and my blog. Thanks all for commenting in my absence. How awesome is that? Just another reason to want to live through a plane ride.

Have a fab-o Monday.

JEN, who is about to pull a number 23 herself.

10 comments

It’s almost nine pm as I write this. I am leaving tomorrow at possibly four am, and I haven’t packed a single thing for the ACFW conference. This is so ME!!! AUGH. The rest of this story goes: I will finish packing at 1:30 am-ish. I will then be so wound up, I can’t sleep. Then when my alarm goes off at 3:00, I will seriously consider canceling my trip, think about crying but skip it as I don’t have the energy, then yell at the alarm clock instead.

I will finally get up. The bags under my eyes will be bigger than my suitcase, which is guaranteed to be over the weight limit. I will be crabby and grouchy the rest of the day, but also unable to sleep on the plane because that time is reserved for begging for my life from the Lord because I have plane phobia. Or plane death phobia. When the flight attendant comes by with ten dollar Lorna Doones and beef sticks, I will seriously consider forking over the money because my common sense left me about six am, and with only five minutes of sleep, somehow dried beef carcass sounds amazingly good.

Repeat process for every trip.

WHEN will I stop doing this? I need help. I need a packing intervention. Or some of my students’ ADD meds. I seriously HATE packing with a burning, fiery passion. But it will get done. Eventually. But probably not for many hours yet. I still have Facebook to check and the silver to polish.

So anyway, say a little prayer for me as I travel. I decided to try flying standby so I can get to Minneapolis early and have some time at Mall of America. Is it wrong I’m going to a writer’s conference, and my priority is shopping? I mean this isn’t any shopping. This is MAJOR shopping.

Oh! I got my braces off. Isn’t that cool? Just in time to go to the conference. Maybe people will be so mesmerized by my super straight teeth, they won’t even notice my crankiness.

And I’ve been stressing for WEEKS about a dress for this shindig. We have a banquet Saturday night. In Between and On the Loose are actually up for some awards. So I wanted to get a new dress. But of course, when you NEED to buy something, you can’t find anything.  So after much searching (which for me involves lots of purchasing and then lots of returning), I found a cute dress at Banana Republic. But it’s all low and cleavagey. And I’m totally not about low necklines. They make me all self-conscious, and I break out in red splotches and it looks like I have some sort of Biblical skin plague. And so I couldn’t have the skin plague for the banquet or else no one would want to sit with me. Even though I would totally tell them I’m not contagious. (At least by the time dessert comes.)

And I have been trying all these ways to “fix” the plunging neckline because I really like the dress. So my final purchase (I’ve bought like six slips, spanx, and camis) is just a plain old camisoled slip. But it’s TOO freakin’ big. So tonight (after I made sweet potato fries and accidentally melted the salt shaker with the stove) I did some surgery on it and “fixed” the slip that I’ll wear to “fix” the dress. I took up the straps, but it’s not pretty as I am not a seamstress. Now there are these wads of material where I took it up and sewed it ( I might’ve been a bit rushed as my potatoes and various nearby plastic-ware were burning). So there won’t be any unnecessary skin showing…but there will be these mysterious lumps near each shoulder. Maybe I’ll cover those up with my Save the Planet backpack pins.

And speaking of Spanx (Can you tell I’m procrastinating? Because when I finish this, it’s packing time.), how in the WORLD do people wear those things? I am not a big girl. I’m no twig, but my tags usually say small or medium.  So last night one of my “fix it” purchases was this “spanx” like camisole-slip. I had to get EXTRA LARGE just to fit into the thing. And then I had to roll around on the floor just to get it off. It’s just this big tube of industrial strength lycra. You could patch up levies with it! And I thought it was going to cut my circulation off. I saw red dots before my eyes. I lost feeling in my legs. And I think I beat David Blaine’s time for not breathing. Seriously, those things are EVIL.

Okay, so this is all my blogging for this week unless I can get to a computer for Friday. I had planned to pre-blog, but I need to go organize my sock drawer and sweep and mop the garage pack.  Stay tuned for Mall of America coverage and more details on my night at WWE Raw (I love Batista!).

Have a fabulous Wednesday.

JEN

8 comments