It Could Not Be Any More Monday If It Tried
Please send a few prayers, hail Mary’s, and positive thoughts my way. I have two (yes, TWO) nights in a row of parent/teacher conferences. Can I just be honest and tell you that teachers rate p/t conferences right up there with gouging out our own eyeballs. It’s not a good time. And they’re only feeding us one of the two nights. I guess we are only 50 percent worthy of food. Is there a union I can join for my meal complaints?
In light of p/t conferences, I would like to offer a few tips.
1. Bring me candy. I don’t change grades, and yes, I’ve been asked plenty of times by coaches, students, AND parents. But then again, not one time was there an accompanying twenty spot or so much as a glimpse of a Twix.
2. Don’t gripe your kid or mother out in front of me. Confrontation makes me VERY uncomfortable, and I break out in that weird neck-rash skin plague. If I wanted a ring-side seat to crazy drama, I’d be home watching DVR’d episodes of General Hospital and Desperate Housewives. Yelling at your kid in front of the teacher will not save face. It makes me write down notes about you in my gradebook when you finally walk away. And it makes me chug down unacceptable amounts of Diet Coke afterwards.And then I won’t be able to sleep due to the excessive caffeine in my blood, then I will wake up the next day mad at you anew. And puffy faced to boot.
3. Students should not do the split personality gig. I love it when a total Rottweiler of a child comes to the conference with Mom or Dad and is a complete angel. I will call you out and say things like, “Who are you and what have you done with your demonic alter ego?”
4. Do not approach my table or room if I’m eating. It’s just rude. And maybe that sandwich DOES last me the entire four hours of conference time, but do I stop and chat at YOUR dinner time? Excuse me for wanting to savor my sub.
5. Do us both a favor. Stay home and email me. I promise everything I say in the email…I’m gonna say in the live conference. I only tell you this because I care about you in these hard economic times. That trip to the conference (especially if you decide to get crazy and go both nights) costs you gas. An email? Free!
6. Don’t be offended if I don’t know your kid’s name. Even though we’ve been in school for 10 weeks. This is a freakish year of students all looking alike and having rhyming names like Tyler, Kyler, Haley, and Kaley. Not to mention 70 percent of my girls are named Kennedy. So this year I just decided to call all my students “Hey, ninth grader.” I asked the school board to let me tattoo students’ names on their head, but they wouldn’t go for it.
7. I like Starbucks. Just something I thought I’d throw out there. . .
8. If you have a teacher complaint that is best delivered in loud decibels, I need you to make an appointment. With someone who is not me.
9. If your kid is failing, there is nothing you can say that is going to impress me or convince me that it’s my fault, George Bush’s fault, the rotation of the planets, or junior’s ADHD. My generation INVENTED ADD.
10. I just found the TV show Chuck. I’m missing the second episode to be in four (of EIGHT total) hours of conferencing, and I’m a little emotional about it. And I might choose to talk about this show instead of other “important things.” Like your kid. And grades. And passing my class. And graduating high school.
11. Whatever I’m wearing, know that I hate it after being in it for 12-13 hours, and I’m really uncomfortable and dying to be in sweats. Not to mention I’m sure my feet will be killing me, as they don’t make shoes that can go that distance. Except for those SAS shoes my grandma used to wear. And wearing those would just take me straight from crabby to shrieking psychotic shrew.
12. Other than that, see you there! I can’t wait!
Actually after every conference I always go, “That wasn’t that bad.”
But I’d rather be home carving pumpkins. Like this lady! Check it OUT and scroll down the page.
Have a great Monday.
JEN
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14 Comments so far
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At least I’m done with conferences! That was last week for me and they all went pretty well. And yes, today is DEFINITELY a MONDAY! Was up late talking on line to friends at UCA and then had the low tire pressure light come on going to work today. So I had to stop in the 29 degree weather and ask the scary man to help me. He didn’t act like he knew any more about putting air in tires than I did! What a way to start a day: tired, yet thankful my friends are okay, then almost having a flat. Whatever the Lord is trying to teach me, I hope I learn it quickly!!
Heather, I will teach you how to air up a tire. : ) The scary men are for CHANGING a tire. Don’t waste that creepy experience on a little low pressure.
And definitely praying for my old stompin’ grounds UCA. Central AR has had a bad week.
What torture is this your school board invented? WOW. TWO nights??????????? Do they make appointments?
We have one Open House. Parents are in my room for 4.7 minutes. I yammer from bell to bell without a breath, then stand by the door to shake hands of the outgoing and hand a paper to the incoming. And by the end of the night I want to collapse in a puddle…
God bless you. Starting the prayer machine…
And to make it even BETTER, I was just contacted by the school nurse. Someone in my room has lice, so I get to do head checks today! Sounds fun, huh?
H, you elem/MS teachers do not get paid enough for cootie checks. Geez. I guess the trade off is we HS teachers get more bomb threats?
Christa, yes, TWO nights in a row! The first night is drop in, arena style and usually pretty busy. The second night is appointments you made on night one. So obviously the secret we all have is not to suggest appointments to anyone! It’s usually a night of thumb twiddling. And you have bells every 4.7 minutes at open house???
Thanks for the laugh. My Monday was actually yesterday. *sigh Today is much better. My kids are now teens but I still interact somewhat with teachers. I help the one lady with recycling and fundraising stuff she gets the kids involved in, since I am the queen of coupons, rebates, and reusing stuff. LOL It’s actually fun and I get to meet her in person on Thursday. She said she can’t wait to meet me since we think so much alike. lol Prayers going out for strength and fortitude to go the distance! Oh, and for you to maintain a semi-normal level of sanity too. God bless, and enjoy the conferences!
Hey Jen,
I enjoyed your post today. I’ll pray that your day will be good in spite of it all. I can’t imagine teaching ninth graders though I did coach volleyball for ten years but I didn’t have to do parent teacher conferences!
AMEN! What’s the deal with 2 conference nights? Do they think you have nothing better to do with your time?
Love this post! I especially like tip #2. Hope you survive both nights. “That wasn’t that bad.”
Ha! I get the day off! I don’ have to worry about conferences because I am a charming straight A child. Unless you talk to my history teacher, my math teacher, or my art teacher…
If I drive to Arkansas (who cares if I’m only a couple years under the legal driving age?) and give you candy and a coffee, will you be happier? I’d even get you a King sized Twix, because fun sized are a joke (That was not an intended pun. I’m not even sure if it was a pun)
I still haven’t figured out what subject you teach. I’m sure you’ve said it before, but… well, I’m me. What subject do you teach?
Oy. I’ll deconstruct some M&Ms, slip in some Tylenol for that massive headache (and foot ache) you’re going to have, glue them back together using mostly fudge, and ship them to you. Along with a couple Subway sandwiches and a few gallons of Starbucks.
Julia, fun sized are the best! And you can eat like 20, and it’s okay because it’s all for “fun.” And no driving…
Edge, gluing back with fudge is a great idea. Very Martha Stewarty.
Thanks, Rhonda. I know you remember the days…maybe not so fondly. Except at PR we got MUCH better food, believe it or not.
Hey, Julie! So glad you stopped by. Ninth graders are actually fun. It’s their old teacher who’s a drag…
Aw, thanks. I try to be creative. As long as it involves interesting stories and/or chocolate.