Finally…the day in which we celebrate gluttony and disgusting amounts of eating is upon us! I LOVE Thanksgiving! Almost as much as I love this YouTube clip.

Why are some cats so talented and mine just stares and crunches kibble?

So on Thursday not only will we eat, but the ladies will gather (after they’ve cooked, served, AND cleaned…) and strategize the Black Friday shopping. Apparently some stores are opening (again) at four, and I have a feeling I will be expected to be all perky and present at said stores no later than 3:57. Cannot. Wait.

Actually 1/2 of the people I shop for are always with me on Black Friday, so I end up pretty much just tagging along and buying nothing. Instead I count the minutes between meals. “Just thirty more minutes until I can eat a breakfast burrito at McDonalds…”  “Just two more stops and it’s fajita time at Chalupaville..”  But it is a tradition. Apparently I’ve only missed one shopping expedition in all my years. And that was because I was in college and had to work. Stupid job.

Anyway, here are some ways I like to prepare for Black Friday.

1. Drink nothing for three days before the big event. Peeing just slows you down, and when you’re shopping with die-hards like my mom and aunt, they will not wait on you for stupid things like bathroom stops, tying your shoes, or helping a little old lady with her bags.

2. Pack snacks. Sometimes we make all the early sales in time to eat lunch at a normal hour. Other years we’re eating lunch about the time I usually brush my teeth and get ready for bed.

3. Wear comfortable shoes. Nobody cares if you get blisters or your feet hurt. If you cannot hack it, then you are blindfolded, bound, and left on someone else’s doorstep in hopes a new family will adopt you.

4. Shopping with the family on Thanksgiving is forever. Once you’re in, you’re in, and you cannot be elsewhere on Black Friday. It’s like a gang–blood in, blood out.

5. Waiting in long checkout lines is part of the game and no whining is allowed. But you still have to know when to apply the pitiful face we call “Please store employee just standing around, please open another register.” Learn it. Know it. Mean it.

6. There is no time for anything but shopping. You must shop through the hunger, the pain…the odd rearend sensations. I’ve told this story before, but one year I was walking around in the wee hours of the morning in a store and kept feeling this burning, pinching feeling in my gluteus maximus. I was like, “Well. That ain’t right.” I shook it off and kept going, kept shopping. We leave the store, and I get in the car with my mom. Then all of the sudden my butt just LIGHTS on fire. So as my mom drives, I yank down my pants, and there. . . is a wasp. A butt-smooshed wasp.

That’s all my tips. If they save even one of you, my job is done. Godspeed to all you fellow shoppers. And remember, a wise sage once said, “Anything you want on sale at Old Navy, you can get online.”

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

JEN

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