That Spider Had More Hair On Its Legs Than I Do
Happy Monday to all!
I’m so lucky to even be here to blog. On Friday I almost died. This giant mutant spider snuck into my house, and just before he was ready to pounce on me and fill me with venomous poison, I got him! Check him out. He’s HUGE!
Just to get a size comparison, I have this big rug in my utility room.
So I had no idea how to kill this big thing. I have spiders all the time, but not this hairy and big. My first Wolf Spider. So my mentally challenged cat starts sniffing around it while I’m walking away looking for a big shoe, and I’m like, “No, Miller! Save yourself! Get back! You’re too young (and stupid) to go out like this!” He swats it a few times, then walks away bored. But it was enough to get the spider under the rug. So I RUN back to the rug and just start jumping like a mad woman all over it. “Die, spider, die!” Jump, jump, jump. “Die, hairy beast sent to suck out my blood and leave my zombie corpse!” Jump, jump, jump. I probably pounced on that thing for a good three or four minutes. I wanted to leave zero chance of that thing being alive. Or in whole pieces. So on Friday night I learned I could do anything…and I REALLY needed to paint my baseboards. (In my defense, that door goes to the garage, and no one sees that door but me…and gigantic mutant spiders…and the occasional lizard… and tiny rock snake.)
I hope everyone is getting all their Christmas shopping done. I know I am!
Okay, no. I’m not. I will probably be in a Quik Trip on Christmas Eve desperately buying everyone Laffy Taffy,silk roses, and turquoise encrusted cigarette lighters. The writing life and shopping do not go together I’ve found. Much like the writing life and bathing.
I saw Four Christmases this weekend. It was okay. More of a renter, IMHO. It didn’t have much of a plot, but I really did laugh out loud quite a few times. And who can resist Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn?
I remember Reese’s first movie (that I saw), Man in the Moon. That must’ve been before my personal “Sad Movie Ban” because it was a tear-jerker.
Ralphie from A Christmas Story makes a cameo in Four Christmases, and I really wish they would’ve snuck in a line that winked at that. It totally would’ve fit with his part.
Two of my students got a hold of On the Loose Thursday and read the first few lines. That’s been 5 books ago for me, so I had totally forgotten what it said. So reading aloud (of course), it sounded like this:
Boy Number One: “Another ad for feminine products. Is it just a universal law that if you sit down to watch TV with a guy, you are guaranteed at least two tampon commercials….ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!” Drops book like it’s on fire.
Boy Number Two: “It’s a girls’ book, isn’t it? Ewwww!”
I just laughed and shrugged. “It’s the truth though.”
And then it just disintegrates into a conversation about how many times they’ve had to watch tampon commercials. And obviously they HAD been watching…because they knew the ads verbatim. Wish they knew my quiz materials verbatim.
You know, I was in band in junior high and not very good. So if anybody knows how hard it is to artfully fake it, it’s me. This Walrus in Turkey does a much better job than I did.
Finally, who can’t relate to this clip of a puppy not liking what he sees in the mirror?
Have a lovely week. There is a tiny chance of snow for me Tuesday, so as you pray for the big things like Darfur, the economy, our nation, AIDS, and cancer, please remember to slip in a plea or two for me some snow. Equally important.
JEN
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15 Comments so far
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I know an old lady who swallowed a bird
How absurd to swallow a bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
But I don’t know why she swallowed the fly
Perhaps she’ll die
What you really need is a bird.
That spider is huge and scary! I’m glad you were able to stomp all his guts out. I don’t know if I would have been brave enough.
I had completely forgotten that Reese Witherspoon was in that movie. It is an awesome film, but too sad to watch more than once.
i didn’t know Ralphy was in there…what part did he play….and i told you you probably wouldn’t like it. haha
He’s the ticket taker at the airport.
And yes, I totally stomped all that spider’s guts out.
Nice poem, Timothy. No birds for me though.
That spider is horrifying. I’m glad you got out alive! Good call on Ralphy– I knew that guy looked familiar. Thanks for clearing it up for me. Now I won’t have to IMDB it.
spider=uber creepy. glad you got out alive, did you clean up the spider goo yet?
and if it snows you owe me a pack of hot chocolate cause im blaming you for praying for that horrible icky fluffy wet coldness.
you wrote a 4th book? why do i not have it? explain yourself Missy…
Ralphie was also in something else in the last few years, but I can’t remember what. And thank God for IMDB!
Book four and five aren’t out yet. And six is stuck somewhere in the trenches of my head. But a pack of hot chocolate is a small price to pay for a snow day!!!! Or how about just my town gets it…
ROFL!! I actually laughed when I read about the boys reading your book!! HAHAHA!!! That’s awesome. Kinda makes up for the picture you put of a spider that will most likely make its way into my nightmares tonight. Thanks much.
ill pray for snow just for you that seems fair.
good thing they arent out…you woulda been…oooo…youre lucky…^_-
tee hee…i think mr. fish is right
Wow. If the spider was in my house, I would have kept in a jar and stared back at it menacingly. Of course, I would only be able to handle having a giant spider for about 5 minutes before stuffing it down my brothers shirt.
Well, that would be if I could conjure enough braveness to actually get within 5 feet of it. Just today a little centipede crawled out from somewhere and it scared the crap out of me. It was a baby too…
Whatever, I am still alive, so.
Julia, where have you been? I’ve missed your artfully crazy comments.
No birds.
This is absolutely for you. http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102660368&c=10320
I’m putting a spoon under my pillow and wearing my pj’s inside out. I absolutely positively need a snow day!!!!