First of all, let me say that I must type quick. We are under a winter weather advisory (a warning I waited allll Tuesday for), and I have a front porch to watch. (Is that sleet? Is that snow? Why isn’t it doing anything? Where’s the freakin’ precip?)  I have been tracking this tiny storm for days, and last night we got a big breakthrough and the front got bigger. But of course, it all depends on the perfect alignment of exactly 5,209,198 factors, so it could either be a dusting of nothing (a dusting of violent anger) or something kinda cool (I get out of school and wear a uniform I like to call “pjs”). So I have a lot to do in terms of continuing to chart this system’s development. A meteorologist stalker’s work is never done.

So every year I have to buy some office gifts, and it always stresses me out. Sometimes I’ve gone with mail order cookies. But then you think…what if they’re crap? Nobody’s going to tell me. What if they bite into the chocolate chip cookie and say, “This tastes just like dookie. Merry Christmas to you, too, Jennifer.” And I’m picky about my cookies, so maybe others are too. And then there are brownies. Mail order brownies are sooo expensive. Like I saw some that were $109 for 18 brownies! I can eat 18 brownies in one sitting. If I’m eating a six dollar brownie, there better be a savings bond stuffed in it or something. And then you think what if I buy those and it doesn’t taste any better than those 25 cent Little Debbie brownies you can get at the Conoco?

In my quest for some good gifts, I have seen almost everything. For instance tonight in searching for cookies, I accidentally stumbled upon ANATOMICALLY correct gingerbread men and women. And if you clicked on a link you could see the picture. . .well, of course I clicked on the link! Who wouldn’t?  And you know SOMEWHERE, someone has Googled “anatomically correct” cookies. Someone has literally requested this. But it wasn’t me. I don’t even like gingerbread. Especially gingerbread with boobs.

Then there are all sorts of weird “of the month” clubs. Like did you know there’s a Bacon of the Month club? That is just disgusting. Do I really want pork products in my mailbox? Um, no.

I even got desperate and looked on QVC and HSN because they’ve started doing mailorder food in the last few years. So how about crab cakes? Have you ever gone to the mailbox and said, “I sure wish there was some seafood in my box right about now.”

I personally don’t like to mix my crab with my cakes, but if I did, I wouldn’t order it ONLINE. Even if Emeril DID make it. Those are 90 dollars for twelve. And if you order in the next ten minutes, the salmonella comes free.

Then on HSN.com Tony Little (The Benny Hinn of fitness) will sell you Bison breakfast strips.

I don’t even know what Bison breakfast strips are or why I’d want to eat them, but I know I’m not sending anyone something for Christmas that resembles beef jerky that’s met the business end of a blowtorch.

You can also order up extra large vats of Tabasco.

What does someone do with a few gallons of Tabasco? And am I duty bound to present this gift with a Jeff Foxworthy video or something? Does it automatically come with a Larry the Cable Guy DVD?

Then there’s bratwurst. I happen to hate brats as they’re just . . .gross. But people who eat them are like connoisseurs. And I don’t think any brat lover worth his salt is gonna be too receptive to getting his sausages from the same place where Susanne Somers’ sells her earring collection and Dr. 90210 hawks those weird, scary bra contraptions that totally creep me out.  On a happier note, the brats do come with mustard. And fake grill marks.

So, yeah, that’s it. If you have any gift giving ideas, please let me know. Hopefully I’ll get out of school with this developing snow system, and I’ll have all day to shop for cheese-of-the-month and chicken liver gift baskets.

Jealous of those of you in Colorado Springs with the white out!!!

JEN

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