It’s Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, and where am I spending it? Oppressed at work. Our school is closed for the holiday, but it’s really just a fake out because the teachers and staff still have to go. SNEAKY.So we believe in celebrating MLK…but just not 100 percent. Maybe 75 percent. I believe this is really sad. Dr. King would’ve wanted us all to celebrate this day. I think we make a mockery of it with our teacher inservice. Unless this inservice had chocolate donuts and ice tea. Then it would be less hurtful to Dr. King’s memory perhaps. And maybe fajitas for lunch.

So I really try to stay out of my students’ business on Facebook. I don’t want to be the creepy teacher who posts on their walls. But sometimes…you just can’t help it. Sometimes they say something so creatively funny, I have to respond. Like I did this weekend. Priscilla is a crazy smart girl who always has these clever statuses. Here’s how it went Saturday.

Secret Agent Priscilla…reads the New English Dictionary.

My comment: I read the French version last night.

Priscilla: Hahaha
Does your French Dictionary have a secret compartment in it??
Wait…I didn’t say anything. It’s just a book. Nothing special about it at all!

Me:No, but it did have a hieroglyphic sequence in it that I had to decode, then pass onto a  Middle Eastern country in order to save the world. Other than that, yawn…kind of a slow weekend.

I say:
Oh. Sounds more exciting than my Sunday.
I’m just painting my nails. . . which we both know is code for detonating a bomb, stopping some acid rain in Ecuador, and drop kicking a certain Israeli drug lord.

Me: I can’t make it because of the Red Crow Barks case, but if you need to borrow my cape and thimble, please let me know. I can get them back from Justin Timberlake, who borrowed them for the last convention.

Whisk? Omg, she had me at whisk. I couldn’t even top that. So yeah, Secret Agent Priscilla is either one day going to be a writer…or take over the world. Props to her for humoring me and letting me play along.

So are y’all going to watch the inauguration? I’m so excited. We have permission to watch it in class Tuesday. I can’t wait to hear Aretha Franklin sing see Obama get sworn in.  All my life I’ve wanted to see Aretha in concert a new day in this country.  But that’s pretty much impossible unless you’re Oprah I’m excited for this historical event.  I’m really excited for Tuesday. I mean, I get to watch TV all day long at work our first African American president! The music memories should be amazing. We might have to have a dance-off in class time to write poetry to express our patriotic feelings. I should really plan what snacks I’m going to bring what profound things I’m going to say to the children.

Some time ago on this blog, I reported that scientists are getting closer to creating a functional cloak of invisibility (a la Harry Potter). Well, now they’re even CLOSER! Somehow this new material deflects microwaves. I deflect microwaves, too. And stoves. . . I just eat cereal.

They said the cloak material is made up of 10,000 small pieces of fiberglass. How comfortable would that be? I think this is a bad, bad thing. You’d have this complex everywhere you went that someone was following you all invisible-like. I mean, when I do my car solos, I like to be alone. Thinking someone might be invisible and in my passenger seat would stymie my ability to bust out my mad harmonizing skills with Keith Urban. And you’d never pee with confidence again. Our church is pretty fancy schmancy. But for some reasons in the ladies’ room there’s this one stall that if the toilet paper is running low…you can see to the OTHER STALL!! How unnerving is that! And I ALWAYS get this stall! Out of the like 15 stalls total we have, I always get that one! And today I picked it, and I had to not only tinkle, BUT change clothes!  I don’t know whether to ignore the gaping hole in the wall or just stick my head in it and say hello. So, no. Just say no to fiberglass cloaks of invisibility.

Have a great MLK Day and Inauguration Day!

JEN

The most amazing, amazing thing happened Thursday. Okay, so like everyone else in the country, it’s Arctic cold here in Arkansas. And when I flipped on the weather Wednesday night, Favorite Weather Guy No. 3 said “You could see some flurries, but not enough to count. Zero percent chance of precip this whole week.” So my first thought was, “No precip? What a waste of cold temps.” My second thought as I threw my shoes at the TV, “Wouldn’t it be cool if we got this snow overnight that just came out of the blue? I LOVE those!” And then I put it out of my head. We had about as much chance of a tropical hurricane.

So Thursday morning I get this call, “Hey, we’re out of school!“  And I just start laughing. “Um…yeah. I’m so sure!”    “No, seriously, check outside. It’s snowing!”  And it was! Turns out our school was the ONLY school in the area that closed! It was so crazy. Arkansas is made up of just small towns, you know? So typically if a few towns in the county are out, we’re all out. And since I’m at a big school, we’re the last to call it. But Thursday…miracle! Somehow, some way, in God’s infinite wisdom and coolness, he sprinkled snow JUST over where I live. And we got out of school!!!  My first snow day of the year! And if the almanacs are correct, my only one.

And then I just stayed there in bed for TWO HOURS because I couldn’t turn off GMA and the Today show because I love to watch the closings scroll by as they interview couch jumping actors and such. Finally when I saw that we were pretty much the only ones out (which made me a bit sad because I wanted the whole state to stay home like me!), I got up and around. But this, friends, is what comes from much prayer and petition. And wearing your pjs inside out. And sleeping with a spoon under your pillow. And flushing ice cubes down the toilet. And doing a twelve minute snow dance titled “Spandex, Snow, and Tippy-Toes” with your friend Holly under a full moon.

As you can tell from the picture, we didn’t get much snow. And people not from Arkansas who live here ALWAYS complain about how freakishly sensitive me are to snow. Yes, I know Denver can get 200 inches of the stuff and still not close school. And us? An inch, and we’re calling in the National Guard. But it’s not something to scorn. One of our school secretaries said, “I’m from Utah, and we know how to drive in snow, so we don’t close things down.” Well, that’s the beauty of living in Arkansas. We CHOOSE not to know how to drive in snow. What the heck is the point of living in a state that carries on as normal when you get big snow? There is no point! School and work closing is a source of pride, not ridicule. I’m proud of my state and its snow phobias. Proud. Because the teachers in Utah? Um, at school. Me? On my couch in my sweats.

As mentioned before, my mentally challenged cat has been deprived of outdoors for almost all of his seven years. Here he is checking out the snow for the first time.

“What is this crap? Ew, cold paws! Cold paws!”

And on point doing his bird dog impression.

He may come in from outside to use his litter box, but apparently he’s smart enough to do dog imitations. You should see his pit bull. Or maybe he’s imitating his cat cousin, Bunny, who only has three legs.

But I don’t shun the white stuff. This is how I feel about snow.

And this.

I hope you have a great weekend. I’m going to be writing and writing and writing and writing.

JEN

I am so pooped. When I’m getting toward the end of a deadline, everything else tends to slide downhill and suffer. Like eating. Of course I don’t miss a meal (hellewwww, this is me, after all ), but the quality of said meal? Hideous. Like college-freshman-Ramen-noodle-surprise hideous. I’m too busy to buy groceries. Definitely too busy to cook. Too busy (get this) to even get takeout. So I’m eating the clearance M&Ms that I MEANT to give away at school (they never made it past my desk somehow…), corn flakes, and whatever stale chips I can find at the bottom of my cabinet.

And my house? Forget about it. It is in serious need of a vacuum, dust, mop overhaul. The weird thing is it looks just like it does when I’m not on the end of a deadline. . . I should probably get a maid. And last year I had someone clean once a month. But I would get too stressed over the pre-clean clean, you know? I don’t have time for that!

I have made a little time for this though.

It’s The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith.  It’s about a woman in Africa who is single (not a good plight for a woman in this book), and she takes her inheritance from her father and opens up a detective agency and just solves crime with no experience. But she does use her wits. Kind of like I write books without much experience. But I do use ice cream, chips, and lots of orange juice. Interspersed with Internet shopping.

I have had The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency in my TBR (to be read) pile for months and months. When my fabulous editor Jamie said she liked it, I thought I better read it. And it is good! I’m almost done, and so far nobody’s made out, so…it’s not great. But it’s very quaint, and I keep finding lines that I want to just etch in my brain. Except my brain isn’t functioning right now. Because I’m trying to finish a book and avoid cooking, cleaning, and matching socks. But this is just the first book in the series, and Jamie says it only gets better from book one, so check it out. And HBO has the rights and is considering a series. But it’s not even PG-13, so it probably won’t make it on HBO.

I’m writing this blog from study hall at school. . . and I have to have the fuzziest keyboard ever. Whose job is it to clean this thing? It’s not in my job description. But did you know teachers have a little cute thing in their contracts called “other duties as assigned?” So that pretty much covers everything. Like homecoming dances, field trips, extra meetings, etc. So when you say, “Nope. Sorry. I cannot chaperone the Eighties Flashback dance. I developed an AquaNet allergy somewhere between 1990 and 1993,” the principal just has to say, “Other duties as assigned…” And then you’re like, “Fine. I’ll be there at seven. With my Epipen.” Or…”We want you to clean the hall with your toothbrush then squeegee out the bus with your tongue. . .This would fall into other duties as assigned.” All you can do is say, “Um…Yack.”  It’s a sneaky, sneaky clause. I tried to slip a clause of my own into my contract, but the administration didn’t feel like “School must provide daily doses of Dasani and mini chocolate donuts” was legit. In fact, it seemed to be a deal breaker…

Finally, when I’m running low on steam, I like to turn to YouTube, of course. I was so glad to find this old friend on there–a little ditty about two male, non-gay BFFs.

Have a lovely rest of the week. I’m going to clean this keyboard…

JEN

Did you know new research is out that says if you lean towards a big butt (has to be your own…not someone else’s), the fat in your tush is actually healthy! Seems women with a Jenny From the Block Bootie have fat in the trunk that releases hormones that can protect against diabetes, heart disease, and butt fatigue from riding a bike. Just another reason to eat ice cream and M&Ms.

You know, these days everyone is asking for a bailout. And I mean EVERYONE. Apparently the world of smut has been hard hit in this recession (awwww…), so move over CitiBank and Chevrolet because Hustler and Girls Gone Wild want their share. Seems it’s been tough for the boob industry, so it’s only right that the government share the love. And the money. Nevermind that there are people starving out there. Or jobless. And teachers are selling ADVERTISING on test pages to pay for supplies. I would hate for this American institution to take a hit.

Speaking of throwing money to the wind, did you read last week that the Bush family purchased new china for the White House that cost $500,000? What in the HECK? Do you know how many paper plates that could buy? That is a lot of Dixie cups. And the good thing with disposable ware…nobody has to wash them. Because let’s face it, nobody wants to have the job of scraping the president’s stuck-on au jus.

Remember Lisa Bonet of the Cosby Show? Apparently in the nineties she changed her name to Lilakoi Moon (who wouldn’t?). She recently had a baby (not by ex Lenny Kravitz, but maybe the child will be cool anyway), and his name is Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. That is a teacher’s nightmare. On the first day of school I always say, “Okay, I’m going to call your name. You’re going to do two things. One, you’re going to raise your hand so I can put a name to a face. And two, you’re going to tell me how badly I botched up your name.” Sometimes I look at a name, and I just want to say, “Please tell your mom that the pronunciation of your name is phonetically impossible.” You can’t just throw some letters together and sound it out any way you want! Some people have no respect for their vowels and consonants.

I’m loving this song right now.

I don’t know why I like it. It’s not like I relate to it. I’m not a Kansas princess, and I’ve never jacked a truck up in my life. I have a hard enough time getting in a regular truck. Or my Accord…  I think I’m just feeling concert deprived though. I haven’t been to a concert since this summer. I usually go every 4 months or so. But my friends and I decided we’d cut back since we’re taking a big vacation this summer. Actually when we talked about cutting back, the concert thing wasn’t my idea. But they didn’t think my suggestions to cut out comic books, skate boarding, and pickles were very helpful or cost effective. Whatever. I haven’t seen a Tomlin concert in like a year, and I’m not a better person for it no matter how much more is in my wallet.

I totally stole this YouTube clip off my technie genius friend Joel’s Facebook page. I’m not even married, and this is funny. I love the part at 1:07.

Well, have a great week. I’ll be suffering through a snowless Arctic front one myself. And probably crying. And writing some heartfelt, snowless haikus of the dark soul.

JEN

Thanks to GreenBeanTeen Queen, a teen librarian, book reviewer, and blogger, for giving me this award!

I’m so honored! I wrote a little speech, Librarian GBTQ, so when you’re ready for me to present that, just let me know. But give me some advanced notice because there are some props and pyrotechnics involved, and I’ll need a little heads up to prepare.

Speaking of blogging, if you’re in to YA, you should totally check out GreenBeanTeenQueen’s blog because she reads and reviews the latest greatest young adult novels. I check it because as a teen/tween librarian, this girl knows her books! And honestly I’m  jealous of her job. To get to read YA, do book talks, and do all sorts of fun book activities? Jealous! So Sarah (that’s her alias when she’s not parading about as GreenBeanTeenQueen), if there’s ever Take Your Daughter To Work Day, please give me a ring.

So it’s Saturday as I write this. And it’s freakin’ cold. My friend Kim is forever pulling out all these old country sayings. As she would say, “It’s cold enough to freeze your whipperbill off.” I have no idea where my whipperbill is, but I’m pretty sure it did indeed freeze off. A group of us go walk/run every Saturday, and this morning it was like 25 degrees. In Arkansas that is not that common, and it’s COLD. Yesterday I was in my favorite Nike capris and it was like 65. Then overnight an Arctic front moved in–a SNOWLESS Arctic front. I mean WHAT is the point? Anyway it’s pathetically chilly ,and walking outside felt like I had stepped into the North Pole with nothing more than my bathing suit on.

So when I got home from walking in frozen tundra weather what did I do? Eat ice cream. I tried a new Ben and Jerry’s flavor called Imagine Whirled Peace. It’s pretty good. Kinda subtle so I had to eat a lot more than usual to really get the flavor. My next dream job besides teen/tween librarian would be Ben and Jerry’s taste tester. I really think if I worked at Ben and Jerry’s I would never call in sick. How bad could your worse day be…with ice cream?

I’m supposed to be writing right now. My final book in the A Charmed Life series is due next month, and I’m so behind. If  anyone from my publishing house is reading this, I don’t mean I’m behind as in the book. I mean I’m behind as in…um, I wrote a few versions, and this one I’m writing in French is really slowing me down. I’ve also constructed one in braille which was trickier than I thought.  No, actually I always run behind. And then I end up finishing early. It’s a weird, toxic cycle, but somehow it works. And it’s eventually going to lead me to a life of Marlboros and whiskey.

Speaking of books, the first book in the next series So No Happening is up on Amazon. It’s not available yet, but if you’re someone who is my polar opposite and you do things ahead of time, you can preorder it. Check out the book and the piggie cover HERE!

This crazy cat cracks me up.

He loves his Diet 77 boxes. Obviously his owners were so proud of him, they got him a bigger box.

Notice how when he slides through he always turns back to see who caught it. “Did you catch my spread eagle slide just now? I totally bit it that time. But it was worth it. It’s just the kind of athlete I am.”  Love how he’s all sprawled out. My cat can’t even make it to the backyard on his own. I really do try and find dog clips, but for every dog Youtube there are 100 cat ones. Easier to find. And let’s face it, spread eagle sliding cats are more funny.

This week I was at the grocery store, and I walked by half price Christmas M&Ms. And they were just in this trashy basket all alone and marked down. And I thought, “How cruel. How inhumane to just discount them and put them on display like nobody cares. Well, I care, M&Ms. I CARE!” So I took some home where they would be loved and respected…and ate them. And I might’ve grabbed some of that boxed “movie style” candy that was in this huge display that I couldnt’ resist. (A while giant box of Junior Mints for a dollar? Are you kidding me? Ghandi didn’t have that kind of self-control.) So the whole week I’m eating candy for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and inbetween snacks. Finally by Friday, after most of it was gone, I was like, “I have GOT to get rid of this stuff.” So I took it to work and gave away the M&Ms. By Friday night I about went postal. WHAT was I thinking just giving away candy?  M&Ms, I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have just discarded you like that. After all we had shared this week. After all the times you had been there for me. And then…I ate my final handful(s) and just passed you on to someone else? Lesson learned. That’s all I gotta say. I will never be so irresponsible with my high-caloric candy again.

Okay, I really should go write. I’m (almost, sorta) on the home stretch. Maybe if I reward myself with some Whirled Peace after every completed page, I’ll zip through it.

Have a great weekend!

JEN