Welcome to Friday!!! I’m so glad for the weekend. It was really rough this week going back to school after a week off. I mean, I was expected to get up at five (Okay, five-thirty. Fine, six. Okay, twenty ’til seven, but still!). I had to put on makeup (ugh, which means then you have to later take the time to wash it off, my least favorite part of the nightly routine). And I had to, I dunno, think and stuff. Use my brain. Which I believe is a lot to ask for the fourth quarter. And congrats to you who have break next week! I’m so jealous.

So President Obama and the First Lady went to visit Buckingham Palace and the Royal Family. I was there a few summers ago, and I wasn’t greeted as warmly.

Anyway, the Obamas brought Queen E an engraved iPod (Note to my mom: Just another thing you and the Queen have in common! You both have engraved iPods!!). And what did Her Royal Highness give the Obamas? An autographed photo of her and her husband. Um…thanks. A lot. I could’ve bought this on ebay for 2.99 plus shipping, but thank you all the same. It’s a good thing our countries are long-time allies. Wars have been started over less.

So Monday was my birthday. Number twenty-six! Again! I had a great dinner with my family. When it’s your b-day, you get to set the menu and someone else cooks it. It’s the best! My parents fixed me steak, homemade mac-n-cheese, fried okra, and a bunch of other crazy-good stuff. I have been anti-steak most of my life, but I requested it for the last two family gatherings. Monday night, my family was like, “We really like this new you.”  See, a lonnnnng time ago in high school, I worked at this steak house for like five minutes with my BFFs. And I saw steaks violated in horrible ways. Dropped on the floor…brushed off…put on plates. And then the smell. UGH. So I quit eating beef completely. Then gradually, thanks to a taco intervention, I was eventually able to be reunited with ground beef. But steaks? Gag. And then lately…I just changed. I guess eighteen years was long enough. I remember reading once that Bill Cosby and his wife went vegetarian, by edict of the Mrs. They did this for a long time. Then one day she served steak. He was like, “What’s this?” And she said, “I thought it was time for the cows to come home.”

Here’s a pic of my nephew and me.

After the big dinner, lounging around was about all I was capable of. And if you can’t see him, it’s because he’s in camo. Camo he’s very proud of. He told me that was day four of wearing them.

My mom took a lot of family photos after dinner. So many that my sister-in-law asked me if one of us was terminal and we just didn’t know it.

This is my foxy mom, my grandmother, and a girl whose pants were too tight. (not that you can see that…well mostly not.) (And stop looking)

My grandma, Edith, my only living grandparent, has Alzheimer’s. In a word, it sucks. A lot. Of course, so does my posture in that picture.

Enough about birthdays. So we recently had standardized testing training here at school. It’s pretty crazy. The state is maniacal about those tests. Back in the good old days, a girl could check her email and read a romance novel while administering a test. But no more. Who’s the party poop who put an end to that, I want to know. You are expected to walk around the entire time (usually 3 hours minimum) and just stare at the kids. But you cannot stare at the test because that is a violation. And if the kid asks you a question, you must divert your eyes from the test booklet. If you happen to catch a peek, you are immediately taken to the center courtyard and caned by members of our fine state who have never taught a single child. And the kids can’t have anything with them to do, like a book or a piece of paper to draw on. It’s nuts. So if they finish early, they just have to sit there and try to think deep thoughts to entertain themselves. Except they can’t because their brains are so fried from staring at a bubble sheet.

In the training, we always have lots of questions from the teachers. Because if you violate a rule, things do get ugly. I was in a school once where a teacher’s job was on the line because she made a pretty good testing mistake. So teachers and counselors get stressed. Some do anyway. I’m usually just excited about the possibility of some free donuts before we begin. In the meeting, teachers get so stressed at all the rules, they ask LOTS of questions. And throw out lots of scenarios. Because the state actually tells us if there’s a tornado or fire, we must take the tests up and keep them secure. (Because what child wouldn’t take that opportunity to cheat off someone else’s Scantron when a twister is about to rip the building in two?)  I always laugh at these crazy scenarios because if there’s a fire, for example, I will trample down man, woman, child, and test administrator to get to safety. When we have crisis drills (drill to show what kids are to do in case someone brings in a semi-automatic for target practice), I put the kids in their correct “safe” places. But then I tell them in all reality, if someone opened fire, they are to all pile on top of me and keep me protected at all costs. After all, I have a cat to take care of. And TV shows recorded.

Anyway, teachers can get a little crazy with their “what if” questions. Especially because the answer is always “keep the test documents secure by any means necessary.” So what if we have acid rain and it melts through the roof and comes pelting down on the desks? Answer: You throw your body over it and let it eat your skin first. Question: What if wild hyenas escape from the zoo, contract rabies, break through the front doors, hop on the elevator, barge through every room, even though the doors are locked and they have no opposable thumbs, and try to eat children and bubble sheets? Answer: Offer yourself as a sacrifice and as the hyenas are ripping apart your limbs, you tell the children to run with the tests and stuff themselves in their lockers. So it’s kind of like quizzes where the answer is always C. In these situations, the answer is always protect the stinkin’ test. . .but still make sure you don’t actually LOOK at the test. Because then they’d still have to cane you. And fire you. And take away your birthday.

Have a great weekend! I’m gonna be writing and trying to stay out of the never-ending rain.

JEN

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