Partly Cloudy With A Chance of Wedgie
Congrats to Tabitha and Heather M , the winners of So Not Happening!!! Email me your home addy, ladies!! I will try not to be lazy about getting to the post office (the one that’s open five minutes a day) and get those to you. Hopefully this year.
So Thursday was weird. When the drugs wear off (it’s Thurs as I write this), I will probably regret sharing this story. But I went for something called a tilt-table-test. It’s no big deal at all. My dr. thought I had really low blood pressure and wanted to check it out. (Turns out I do, and the prognosis is drink juice and eat salt. Literally. Big whoop.) But I was a little worried about this test. It makes a lot of people faint and you couldn’t drive yourself. And that was all I knew. I’m someone who is comforted by a complete picture. The possibility of hitting the floor and being driven away in the back of my mom’s Buick? Not a comfort.
But anyway, before we got to my “you’re totally fine” diagnosis, I had to endure this crazy test where the objective is to see how much you can take before you pass out (Apparently a lot. I held strong like Rose on the Titanic). You know you’re blog obsessed when you’re strapped down to a table and your main thought is, “I have to pee.” And your second one is, “I have a wedgie. ” But your third one? It was definitely, “I would give anything to have my camera.”
So first of all, I’m put on this table and get all these electrodes put on me. They just yanked my shirt to my chin and started sticking those suckers on. I had no idea that was coming. I was like, “I’m so glad I wore a good bra.” And then one nurse was like, “Oh, you forgot an electrode.” And the other says, “I’m not sure how I did that.” And I said, “I think my big chest blocked your view.” When I get nervous I tend to make boob jokes. Apparently I was really stressed, because I thought of exactly one thousand, eight hundred and sixty-two of them. Next I got an IV for what I call “the bonus round.” The IV didn’t go well. I made myself look away to the TV because I have a theory called The More I See Pain, The More I Feel Pain. Here’s what I heard as the needle was digging into my hand:
“Uh-oh.”
“Oops.”
“Hmmm.”
“That’s gonna blow.”
“Uh-oh.”
“That’s not good. She has such tiny veins. ”
“Yes, they are very tiny.”
“That vein keeps flipping over.”
“Tiny veins. Sorry!”
“Yep, there it goes again. Jennifer, are you okay?”
“Uh-huh.” (As I do all I can to focus on the TV. Oh, fire in South Carolina! Record temps in Cali! Sarah Jessica PARKER, get that needle OUT OF MY hand!!!!!)
Anyway, it was eventually a success. So then I’m strapped down like the Hulk to this table. Four giant velcro belts come around me and bolt me down. THAT was a great feeling. And when I get nervous…I need to pee. Like a chihuahua. And I’m like, “Crap. It’s too late to say anything. This belt is a little tight…) But no accidents, I’m happy to report. But I did have a serious wedgie. And even worse, being strapped down it was like cemented in place. Torture by wedgie. We should’ve used that at Guantanamo.
So you get all secured and then they tilt you to seventy degrees and you have to stand there, unable to move anything but your arms. And every three minutes they take your pulse (I do have one) and blood pressure. (ill-fitting undies raise blood pressure, by the way. Be advised.) And I just stood there for 45 minutes. If there was any real complaint about today it was that I had to watch Weather on the 8s and Storm Stories. I mean Weather Channel? I happen to love the WC (once I had a very serious crush on Jim Cantore), but ONLY in the winter. Who cares about the Weather Channel if snow days aren’t involved? Not me. Especially when I’m trussed up like something from Frankenstein’s laboratory. It certainly doesn’t distract a girl much. I wanted to see some Ellen or Oprah or Gilmore Girls reruns. I’d have settled for Home Shopping Network. Diamonique week. Quacker Factory?
So then the last 15 minutes of the two hour event is Bonus Round. This is where they start pumping some magical drug through your hard-earned IV. And that’s when things get really interesting. Instantly your heart rate goes up. It’s the WEIRDEST feeling ever. You can actually feel it moving in there. And things get kinda loud in your head. And I don’t mean all your deep thoughts spinning around. And then the nurses are talking to you, and you’re like, “No talky! No talky!” And it gets really hot. And your heart keeps racing. And you can SEE it moving. And it makes you think of body builders who can move their boobs and now you can too! And then. . .it’s over. And just like it took two nurses to get the IV in, it then takes two to get the tape off because your IV was taped down like Duct Tape on a saggy bumper. And the nurse tells you that you must include Gatorade and salt into your life. And you say okay. And you return your attention back to Storm Stories and wonder what happened to Jim Cantore’s hair, but know if he were standing right there you’d tell him you still think he’s weatherly delicious.
And a few hours later, you’re still a little kooky on drugs. Like now.
On a happier note, on the way home my mom and I saw a man on a motorcycle with a lampshade on his head. And taped to his jacket was a sign that said, “Drugs Kill. Alcohol Kills. Religion Kills. So Why Is Marijuana Illegal?” Um, because it makes you ride with a lampshade on your head? Because dude, I’m on drugs right now, and you don’t see me wearing home decor. Again, I thought, “WHY don’t I have my camera?!”
The lovely author Trish Perry was kind enough to interview me on her blog. If you stop by, you can enter her drawing for a chance at a signed copy of So Not Happening. I may enter myself. If I win, then I won’t have to endure the Post Office That Is Never Open Because I Live In A Retirement Village of People Who Don’t Work. You can see the interview/contest HERE. And scroll down to Thursday, April 23rd for the goods.
So I hope you have a lovely weekend. Stay tuned next week for more giveaways of So Not Happening.
Tilt-Table Tested,
Jenny
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13 Comments so far
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well at least the cure is salt and juice. two awesome things. thats a plus right? now if anyone gives you that “salk it bad” lecture you can be all “no way i got tested”
happy weekend
Hi Jenny!
I am the Children’s Department manager at House of James Bookstore in Abbotsford, BC, Canada. We just received your new book “So Not Happening” and I found your website on the back and thought I’d check you out to find out more about you. I’ve got to say…you have a phenomenal sense of humor!!! I laughed so hard when I read this post, that I shared it with 4-5 of my staff members, who also laughed so hard they almost had tears. If you ever come to Canada on a book tour, we’d LOVE to have you in at our store for a book signing. Needless to say, a few of us will promptly be starting to read your new book! Blessings to you!
Sincerely,
Kim Klassen
OHMIGOSH! I’ve had a tilt table test! About eight of them to be exact and I have yet to turn 20!!
Actually, I have a medical condition that causes me to have low blood pressure then I faint. You know low blood pressure can cause fainting right?
Last tilt table test, I fainted in 10 minutes! Then I got the bonus round anyway.
My doctor calls me “unique”.
Isuprel (it can make your heart rate increase 30 beats a minute. But my sister’s heart rate doubled from 60s to 120ish – talk about feeling like crap!) is the drug they shot you up with in the bonus round. What was the official diagnosis? I’m very curious to know more…
Debbie
I was out of town this week, and read your blog on my (tiny [razr]) phone since I couldn’t get online earlier today. I must tell you, I laughed so much! I couldn’t keep it in! You are hilarious. I can so identify with the traumatic iv experience. I had to have an iv for an MRI a few years ago – I almost passed out, not to mentioned vomited, though nothing really came out since I hadn’t eaten. That’s without looking at it, without feeling it… that was just the thought of it!
You have my sympathies. 
Oh man, I can totally relate. I found out that I had a kidney stone a couple of weeks ago. I woke up at like 4 in the morning with some terrible pain in my side. So, my mom thought my appendix was gonna blow up or whatever. She drives me to the hospital, they pump tons of morphine in me, and take a ton of urine samples. I was peeing in cups all day. I think I have had just about enough of hospitals. My boyfriend sat there and held my hand the whole time I was loopy. He said I did some really crazy stuff. Like, this male nurse named william came in(he seemed waaaay tired) to inject me with more loopy meds and he wrote his name on a little white board so I could ask for him if I needed anything. He asked if I could read it and I was just like “Thank you William.” In this really slurred and loopy voice. My whole family made fun of me for that one.
Colene, too bad they didn’t say “eat more fat and sugar.” I would’ve been allll over that. Not that I don’t do fine w/that already.
Kim, how nice of you to “stop” by. I’ve never been to Canada, but if I am ever there, I will stop in!!! ; ) I have a student who is Canadian, and she did this speech about how to be Canadian. It was so amazingly funny.
Debbie, sorry for your ordeal. EIGHT times? UGH. I would just start bawling probably. Or go postal and demand they change the TV to something decent. I just have low bp. Nothing big. And I didn’t pass out. I told the nurses I felt like a failure. ; )
Bethany, I haven’t had an MRI, but I think my test wouldn’t even compare. I mean an MRI? It’s like a coffin! Ugh. You are brave!
Tabitha, it’s funny what you’ll say on meds. When I saw the guy on the motorcycle with the lamp shade I thought, am I hallucinating?
Goodness. What’s the torture for someone with high blood pressure???
Man, i just burst out laughing when I read all that. You really should’ve had a camera with you! In all the fourteen years of my life, I haven’t had to go through that, and i hope i never will! *shudders* It sounds like it’s torture, plain and simple. Being strapped to a table….next thing you know, they’re gonna be hooking up all kinds of special wires to you, and then shooting electricity through you then you’ll burst through the straps with super energy and run amuck all over the town and–oh wait….that’s a different story….
LOL! I think quite the opposite. I’ve actually had two MRIs, though the first didn’t require an IV. I think you deff. went thru the worst.. just thinking about it makes me feel woozy. lol. My dad, though, had to had an MRI a few months ago, and he got super claustrophobic and couldn’t handle it. (They had asked him over and over, are you claustrophobic? and he kept saying yes. and they were like, ok. and they sent him in.) He ended up being able to go to a diff. place where it was more open.
You know… there’s salt in potato chips.
Eat up!!
I finished “So Not Happening.” In about 5 hours. NOW I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER FOR THE NEXT ONE?!?!?! Wait…. it is November, isn’t it? I have too many things floating around in my head to remember and my attention span is about the same as a pothead chipmunk. I forget how old I am… that’s sad. But I can give you a detailed summary of every book I’ve ever read. I think I might need to re-prioritize…. Naw, never mind. I mean, who cares if I don’t know how old I am. Or if I don’t know the difference between a nickel and a dime. That’s what credit cards are for.
Danica, if I must eat more salt, whatever it takes. I’d be willing to consume mass quantities of chips…for the sake of my health.
Rachael, it was a very Hulk-ish experience. I totally related to that psycho brute. I wanted to swat at some helicopters myself.
Julia, November it is! ; ) Glad it was a quick read. Verses something like the dictionary…or War and Peace…not quick reads.
OMG! I saw the dude with the lampshade, wow was all i could say!!