School. . .is. . .almost. . . over.

Today we had our last bi-weekly study hall. Known as seminar. I guess it’s called seminar so it can sound all educational and Oxfordian and stuff, but I’ll give you one single word to let you know how educational it is: catapult. Yes, today there was a mini-catapult in my “seminar.” Last week I let a kid do a back flip off a desk. (Dear administrators of my fine school, if you are reading this, please know that I am just kidding. I would never let a kid flip backwards off a desk. He might fall and hit his head. That would be insane! A liability! So don’t you worry. I’m waaayyy too responsible for that.)  Actually in my defense, this was an at-risk kid who LOVES hip hop dance, and while I didn’t say, “Yes, please jump off the desk,” I also didn’t say no. And for the record, the entire time this was going on, I was praying, “Please, God, no blood. Please God, no blood.” And everything came out just fine! No cracked skulls. No concussions. No teacher fired. . .yet.

I’m JUST now getting to use pictures on my blog. Between the new computer (who is nameless STILL because we are not exactly friends yet) and a website update, I have been pictureless for like three weeks! It was killing me! Even now, I have pics I want to post, but I have no idea how to get them on here. These are the ones I could wrangle.

Here’s my mom was Mother’s Day wearing one of her gifts. My sister-in-law had monogrammed aprons made for all the moms in the family.

My mom said, “Thanks for advertising my bra size.”

So a few weekends ago I went with some friends to a catfish place in the middle of NOWHERE.

Good food, but very rustic. The dinnerware was a hodge podge, and this coffee mug kept me entertained for HOURS.

Dial-A-Mule Realty? And yes, apparently, it’s a real place nearby. My friend Kim was very familiar with it. I was like, “Why’s it called that?”
Kim: “Because they sell real estate. And they have mules.”
Me: “I don’t get it. What does it mean?”
Kim: “It means the guy sells real estate and he has mules.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off the mug. “But why’s the mule on the phone? What’s he saying?”
Kim: “I don’t know. It’s Dial-A-Mule. That’s what it’s always been. That’s all I know.”
Me: “But the mule can’t–”
KIm: “I don’t know! Do you want the mug?”
Me: “Ohhhh, yes. I really really do.”
Kim: “I’ll try to get you one.”
And then my friend Leslie and I pantomimed various scenarios of mules on telephones for the next two hours and laughed at decibels that made people turn around and stare. Cheap entertainment.

Check this out. I grew these peonies!

They’re so lovely! I can’t grow anything. Especially when I hack them down with my lawnmower.

About a month ago I went to the monthly Wal-Mart meeting because Kevin James (Mall Cop, Hitch) was going to be there. And as an added bonus, Kate Gosselin was there as well.

This father and his son sat in front of me. They were like mirror images, especially when they’d drink their coffee at the same time.

This is the new leader of Sam’s Club.

His name is Nacho. That name makes me VERY VERY happy.

I could watch Nacho Libre allll day long.

Kevin James looks JUST like he does on TV.

He’s hilarious though. He took over the interview and is just naturally a great communicator. (He would totally pass my speech final.) Whenever Wal-Mart brings in famous people, they always open it up for a few audience questions. Unless you’re this woman.

Mama’s got guns. I don’t know if that’s from lifting eight kids or if she does some serious workouts, but I’m thinking it’s more of the latter. I lift fifteen year olds by the scruff of the neck all day long, and I don’t have biceps like that. There’s been a lot of online tah-do about her hair. Apparently stylists are getting lots of requests for Kate’s hair. Kate said she sees it all the time when people come to her book signings. Well. . .her hair had some issues that day.

This isn’t a good shot of it, but it was all normal and chic in the front, and then in the back, where I guess it’s supposed to be spiky, it was more like one of her kids took a big chunk and ran it through with some Elmers. Defying gravity.

Finally, I humbly ask you to pray for me because I am in the clutches of a yearly event that always leaves me bruised, broken, and holding my nose. Yes, it’s pig dissection time AGAIN. In case you’ve forgotten from the last couple of years, my classroom is sandwiched between TWO biology classes. And every year before finals both teachers break out the pickled pigs and the kids go to work. There is no memory trigger like smell…and I do not have good junior high dissection memories. The smell…omigosh, omigosh, omigosh. I’ve just been walking around the room and up and down the halls spraying Oust everywhere. There’s probably a mushroom cloud of the stuff over my city. For the record, no pigs were harmed in the creation of this book cover:

Have a great weekend. For those of you out of school, I’m jealous! For those of you, like me, on the countdown, we’re getting closer!

JEN

1. So in case you were worried about American Idol’s runner up, Adam, fear not. He’s obviously resurfaced to try again in Britain.

2. I feel badly for Mike Tyson and the death of his four-year-old daughter. Literally death by treadmill.

3. Jon and Kate say they are “mad at the media.” Jon and Kate, you ARE the media. Shut up and pull your blinds.

4. Looking at Demi Moore has never made me feel good about myself. Until NOW.

5. AT&T may have rigged Kris’s win on American Idol? They obviously got a cut of the lifetime free cheese dip.

6. THIS YA author always has the best book titles. I have title envy.

7. Kanye West, who has said he’s a “proud non-reader” is about to become a published children’s book author. If it doesn’t win a Caldecott will he storm off a stage and cuss little kids out?

8. I have one week and one day left of school, and I’m already transitioning into “stay up late because it’s summer” mode. It make me a little out of it in the mornings. But not this out of it:

9. Buffy the Vampire Slayer may return…but no Sarah Michelle Gellar, no Whedon, and no returning supporting cast? That idea needs a stake to the heart.

10. Mel Gibson is not yet divorced and his GF is preggo. Just think, if he left girlfriend for Kate Gosselin, together they’d have 16 kids! This begs for a Lethal Weapon joke…

11. Anyone else have a rant? ; )

So my kids have been giving their final speech of the semester. It’s worth 20 percent of their grade, so it’s a huge big deal. To me.

This is an informative speech, and they could pick between speaking on a famous person or a dream vacation spot. I’ve learned a few things during their speeches. All this time…I didn’t know Al Capone was Scarface. I know there’s no excuse for that. But the only thing with mobsters I’ve ever seen is Guys and Dolls. So I never got the big fear of Capone and the mob. You could do worse than being offed by a guy who will sing and tap over your body.  Did you know Capone died of cardiac arrest, but it was believed to be a complication from…syphilis? Al Capone…taken down by VD. That’s not the mob boss I want to work for.

I also found out that Marilyn Manson’s name is derived from a combo of Charles Manson and Marilyn Monroe. AND Marilyn Manson went to a Christian school until his junior year. . .yikes.

I’ve heard some funny things during speeches so far.

(A student speaking on infomerical king Billy Mays) “Why is he an important person? Because he doesn’t beat up hookers like the creepy Sham-Wow guy.”

“In Moscow they have the Alexander Garden. I don’t know why it’s called that. Probably after someone named Alexander.”

“London had Charles Dickens. He wrote a bunch of books and stuff. It also had Isaac Newton. He defied laws of gravity and whatnot.”

“Some interesting things to do in London include…an IMAX.”

“Gothic style is like huge, huge bigness.”

And then there was the student today who spoke about a place called Hagooie. For three minutes we heard all about the cool things to see and do in Hagooie.I thought, “What is this, the homeland  of Spaghettios?”  Towards the end, it was finally mentioned that this location was in the Netherlands. “How do you spell that?” I asked when he was done. He checks his notecards. “H-A-G-U-E.  Hagooie.”

After a student knocked it out of the park and gave the best speech he’s ever given, I said, “My gosh! Great speech, Michael.”
To which another student replies, “It needed more cowbell.”
That pretty much made my week.

Have a great day!

JEN

Thank God for three day weekends, eh? I love them. I could write poetry about three days weekends. If someone would run for president with that as his/her only platform, they would totally get my vote, my checkbook, and my undying allegiance. You know who DOESN’T have my allegiance? Jon and Kate. STOP THE INSANITY!!!

And if pictures would load on my blog, I would totally show you pics of Kate’s hair that people are copying. I did see her a few weeks ago. But do you think I can load those pics? No. Because my new computer hates them. But on the bright side, I just ate a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, and that makes everything better.

I think Jon and Kate need to get over themselves. Together. I know a lot of people are saying, “End the show and quit whining!” But I have a suspicion that there is something called “big fat contract that nobody but Bill Gates could afford to pay back.” I could be totally wrong. But I can’t IMAGINE putting your life on TV, but especially putting your train wreck life on TV. I think I would have to let them sue me. There’s no way. And I would be like, “Whiny Husband, you’re not talking either. If you think TLC’s lawyers are bad, they are NOTHING compared to me and my spiky hair. I WILL go Hulk on you.” You don’t see the Duggar’s splitting up. But I guess if you can weather 18 kids, you can weather anything. Like a nuclear holocaust. Or a lifetime of 80s hair.

So on Saturday, I’m supposed to be working on a book, right? Rush deadline here. And what do I do? I go to AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com and somehow an hour goes by. I LOVED this one. I’m constantly having to reassure my family I will not grow up to be a crazy cat lady. (For the record, I have ONE cat. ONE!!! Not fifteen.)  And I would never do THIS. The two cats on the left have the same problem I always do–do I look at the photographer? The camera? The floor? Where?  And look! It’s Fabio’s little brother!

What did you guys think of American Idol? I know it’s weird, but after Tuesday’s show, I jumped ship and swam on over to S.S. Adam. I know! I know! Kris is totally my kind of music (Fray, One Republic, Lifehouse, etc.), but I think in all honesty Adam is the more talented singer. And mostly because he WORKED HIS BUTT OFF. I think my turning point was when Kris sang the lame song the producer picked (not lame song, but lame pick). Kris KNEW he had to change it up. He knew this was the Olympics of singing. But he just bunted. (Me, using a sports term! Can someone write that down somewhere?) Why would you sing that mild song straight when you would KNOW that Adam is going to jazz up whatever song he gets assigned? And Kris was just all meh about it. On the radio they had backstage interviews, and someone asked Kris how he’d rate his performance, and he said, “Uhh…maybe a seven or eight. Yeah, probably a seven.” You do NOT go to the finals and give a seven performance! You do that on the very first audition when you’re up against bikini girl and weird short boys with no necks who sing through their noses. Maybe it’s just the teacher in me (we are working on finals after all), and I hate it when my kids are like, “What’s the minimum I can do to pass?” And I say, “Aim for a high grade. Not the minimum to skate by with a stinkin’ D.” And then I make myself count to ten. Twelve times.

Okay, rant over. But anyway, now that it’s all decided, of COURSE I’m proud that a boy from Arkansas, specifically Conway–where I went to school for 1.5 LONG years and home of excellent cheese dip–brought home the gold. If you want to see Kris in action as a worship pastor, you can check him out HERE.

But I will say, I thought the actual finale show was AWESOME. Usually I’m wondering why I didn’t just tune in the last five minutes, but this year was star-packed and so good. I LOVED Danny and Lionel Richie. Lionel looks dang good, doesn’t he? I mean the guy’s been singing FOREVER. And I loved the slightly awkward Cyndi Lauper and red head girl. That was a clever pairing. Cyndi is one of my favorite artists from the 80s. I love her CD 12 Deadly Cyns–a greatest hit compilation. And speaking of looking good, aside from the fact that her knees were of an east-west direction, I thought Cyndi looked UH-MAZING. Cyndi, if you’re reading this, PLEASE send me the name of your plastic surgeon…um, for book research, of course. I think that’s the best work I’ve ever seen. Dr. Kevin Kirkwood, from So Not Happening, would be quite proud of someone’s handiwork.

Did you guys watch Glee? I want to say I loved it…but I didn’t. I liked it, but mostly I see potential. The music portions were AWESOME though. I downloaded “Don’t Stop Believin’” on my iPod. You can get that and their version of “Rehab.”

I am crazy about the actress who plays the cheer coach. What did they call their cheerleaders? I forget. But Jane Lynch, the coach, is awesome.

Jane is so typecast though. She ALWAYS plays the same dried up, sarcastic, bored with life, smart alleck, negative lady.  So what’s not to love? But normally she stars in movies I’m too young to see, so I rarely get to watch her Second City trained self act.

There were a few things that just couldn’t happen in a school though. While teachers pay for a lot with their own money, they never actually PAY the school. Like the principal (also funny) told the Glee teacher to sponsor it, he’d have to fork over like 60 bucks a month. That would never happen. And when the teacher quit…um, also would never happen. You can’t give a school a two weeks notice like a regular employee can. See, teachers are a lot like rock stars (in sooo many ways) in that we sign these little things called contracts. And the contract says you have to stay for a full school year or ugly guys named Vinnie and The Mooch will come after you and your Civic hatchback. So “I have a better job in town” would NOT get you out of your contract. And the Glee teacher’s wife? It’s like she stepped on over from a totally different show. She was kinda funny (I work three days a week!), but she didn’t match the rest of the cast or the show. And was the Glee teacher on crack when he married her? Because this smart guy would not pick her. Maybe she just needed spirit fingers. Because spirit fingers were observed at eleven minutes into the show. Yeah!!! But I WILL be watching this fall. I have high hopes for the show. They marketed the HECK out of it, and I think the preview was a great idea. AND musicals are so hot right now. And I like how it’s not really a musical…but has musical bits in it. Because musicals themselves don’t necessarily translate to TV. Just ask Steven Bochco who tried to bring a musical about cops to TV in the 90s.

Yes, that was real. A show. About cops. Singing. Can you imagine that pitch meeting? “Okay, so I’ve got this musical idea. Let’s take one of the most stereotypically masculine professions…and have the cops sing and dance! But it’s still a very serious, dramatic show…mostly in the key of G.”

Have a great Memorial Day weekend. See you Wednesday!

JEN

Still no pics to report. Sigh. My blog bores me.

So did you guys watch AI? Who’s gonna win? I thought Adam was a definite, but you KNOW Danny’s followers are gonna give all their love and texting to Kris. I say Adam will win…but by a narrow margin. I dunno.

So we’re having graduation this weekend for my high school. It’s been many years since I got my high school diploma or equivalent, but I’m still full of graduation advice. Graduating seniors…take notes.

1. Freshman Fifteen. It’s real. It exists. It is not an urban myth. My BFF Denise and I worked out DAILY and STILL gained 8-10 pounds. We did not eat pizza every night either. Neither one of us knows what happened, but we’ve narrowed it down to carbs, aliens, and Communists.  Also know that you will eat foods repetitiously in college, and some of it (most of it), you’ll never be able to stomach again. I couldn’t eat Lucky Charms now if my cat’s life depended on it. (Chalky marshmallow horseshoes or not having to clean a litter box again? Hmmm…no brainer.)  Also Ramen noodles make me want to barf.

2. Invest in a good alarm clock. If you’re college bound, many of you will have A day classes and then B day classes (or Mon/Wed/Fri classes and Tues/Thurs classes). You will not want to reset your alarm every night, so have an alarm with more than one alarm setting. Like alarm no. 1 and 2. His/her. Whatever. And do not make the mistake I made and have a late class just because it sounds fun. My first semester, I took choir at 2 pm. Which meant I was in class ’til four…while everyone else on campus besides the other dorks like me, had been out since noon. Noon is the magic cut-off hour!! You want to done by then! You WILL develop Early Out Class Envy if you don’t get that schedule fixed accordingly. It will make you mean and bitter. Trust me.

3. Be prepared for decades of the “Crap, I Missed My Final” dream. I STILL have it. Actually one time I DID get confused and miss a final. I had a grad assistant and he was really nice about it. I don’t know why. I wouldn’t have been. Anyway, for the rest of your days you will have this nightmare that you didn’t show up for a final, or my favorite, you get to the end of a semester and realize you completely forgot about a class and never went.

4. Community bathrooms. In some antiquated dorms, there is one bathroom per hall. First of all, if this is your situation, you want to transfer to a different school. Or consider entering the workforce and forgetting about a higher education altogether. Aim for at least an en-suite bathroom–sharing with no more than 3 others.

5. If you do find yourself in a suite situation, sharing your room(s) with 3 others (or more), then pick out the weaker girl and intimidate her into doing all the cleaning. If you’re at a Christian or private school, tell her you know all about her sinful past, but it will be your little secret if she’ll just keep the toilet bowl ringless and the towels Downey fresh.

6. If there is a bus system at your university/school, figure it out as a freshman. I was a senior when I first took the bus. I walked EVERYWHERE.  I commuted, so I would park far away and then trek like 4 miles a day. The bus system just baffled me. One dropped you off at the edge of town. One dropped you off at the mall (that would’ve been my favorite). One took you to the grocery store 10 miles away. The buses were labeled in colors, and they were a big mystery to my ADD head. With walking…I didn’ t have to think. But once it snowed really bad, and things were icy where I parked. EVERYONE took the bus that day. So I just jumped on one and hoped for the best. Sadly, it did indeed take me to class…and not to the mall.

7. Reading romance novels the night before a final is not a good idea. You wont want to put it down. Actually ANYTHING would’ve been better than studying for a final. I could’ve had a guide to carburetor repair, and I would’ve read every word before surrendering to studying.

8. You CAN get out of dissecting classes. I did this. The downside is you will find yourself in the most boring science classes ever. Study of plants and trees. Study of rocks. In the study of rocks (aka geology), we were given a rock bag with like 50 minuscule rocks. At the end of the semester, we had to identify them for a final. On the final they will look NOTHING like the chips that were in your bag. They will be 100x the size and be completely unrecognizable to you. Especially if you stayed up too late the night before eating Lucky Charms and reading Nora Roberts.

9. Join a group that provides lunch at least once a week. For me, it was the Wesley Foundation (the Methodist Student Union). I was not Methodist. Nor was my name Wesley. Therefore, I stayed away. This was a dumb, dumb mistake. I’m sure there were boys there. And cold cuts.

10. Find a TV show so fabulous it would unite warring countries. In my day, we all gathered around Melrose Place or Friends. Some of us might’ve had nothing in common, but give us a chance to put away the rock bags, break out the Ramen, and tune into characters who actually HAD lives, and suddenly everyone’s a friend.

Anyone else out there have advice for our graduates? I’m sure I left out a few tidbits of wisdom.

And for those of you graduating, good luck to you! Like Green Day says, it really is the time of your life.

JEN

It has been a dark, dark, weekend.
My new Mac arrived (still nameless because as of right now, none of the ones I’ve come up with are repeatable). And it has been HECK transitioning to the new computer from a five year old PC. OMIGOSH. OMIGOSH. OMIGOSH. I got a Mac laptop a year ago and sent it back within like 2 days for a new PC laptop. Now I remember why. It’s nuts.

I had to buy a program to transfer my iTunes library to the new computer (but I was actually glad to find said program because it was about to get ugly). I bought Office 08 for Mac, and it’s currently not working. And when I say it’s not working, I mean I’m not working. I have no idea how to use it. So far all I’ve accomplished from that software purchase it to send people some Word files they can’t even open.

And I have sooo many pictures to show you, but between my site getting a serious tune-up and the new computer…um, pics will not load. I can’t live without pics on my blog! I have pictures of Kate Gosselin, Kevin James, and a mug of a real estate business called “Dial A Mule,” which provided me HOURS of entertainment Friday night. Who names a real estate business Dial-A-Mule, I ask you?! Nobody does. And yet, I have photographic evidence this person does indeed exist. . .but I can’t show it to you. Wal-Mart shareholders week is coming up the first week of June (LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF STARS), and if we don’t have this straightened out by then, I will do something drastic. Like shave my head and beat a limo with an umbrella. Mac could totally bring out the Britney in me.

The fabulous Tyler Perry has a new Madea movie coming out this fall. Here’s a very tiny sneak peak.

Madea would NOT take any crap off her Mac. She’d pull out her glock and show it who’s boss.  Have I mentioned that my iPod is plugged into my new computer and I can’t GET IT TO LET IT GO???? I think my machine is possessed. And I downloaded Firefox (browser)…and it ate it. Where exactly do programs go that just vanish? I will be victorious over this computer. DO you HEAR me Steve Jobs??!!! Justin Long totally owes me a phone call. I just want to tell that chubby little PC guy on the commercials to hold his ground. Stay strong, Chubby PC Man. Stay strong. 

A friend and I were walking/running today, and we passed by a few houses where people were out of sight, but obviously cooking out due to the awesome smell. I said, “That smell is definitely in my top 5 best smells of all time.” What about you? What are smells you love? I love the smell of old school car air conditioners. They don’t smell like much now, but back in the day, I could just snort it up. This same friend likes the smell of markers. Ew. When I sniff markers I get the aroma of brain cells dying. Gross. What are your favorite scents? 

Okay, I need to go toss back a nice vintage of Tropicana with extra pulp and chill out. Have a great week. And pray for me. And my computer. One of us might not make it. 

JEN