Welcome To My House!!!

Sad over the loss of actor Dom DeLuise. The world does not have enough funny fat men. So if you are a funny fat man…now is the time to step up. America needs you. And possibly Burt Reynolds does too.

So we are on like three weeks of rain here in Arkansas. I am so SICK of it. I feel like Jack N. from The Shining. Except he was going crazy because he was snowed in a creepy hotel. And I don’t understand going psycho due to massive amounts of snow. That would be like party time for me. His character deserved insanity for that kind of disrespect for the frozen precip.

The other day I watched a YouTube clip of an author giving a tour of her home. It wasn’t very thrilling. So on the coattails of that boring-ness, I thought I’d copy the idea! But no video. Just pics. Join me as I invite you into my home and give you the grand tour. Yawning is prohibited. So apparently is a dust rag.

This is my computer. I call him Dell. He’s the one on the right.

Don’t tell Dell, but he and I are about to part ways. See, Dell and I have been having some problems lately, and I knew I would have to kick him to the curb at some point. This past weekend while doing some photo editing, Dell was being his stubborn, lazy, take-his-time self. And I shut down my project. And ordered myself an iMac. Dell and I were good while it lasted. I think we had a solid run, but there comes a time when you have to face the facts that things aren’t working anymore…and you move on. So much like Brad Pitt with Jennifer Aniston or John Mayer with Jennifer Aniston…I cut Dell loose.

As we continue in my office, this is my bulletin board.

It was the inspiration piece for the bulletin board on my website. I said, “I would like a bulletin board full of things that represent me on my website.” And they said, “Send us a picture of yours.” And then lo and behold, there’s my bulletin board!!

This is a  warning for speeding. I LOVE this ticket.

So my friend and fellow Snow Enthusiast Holly is having a baby. Baby Number Four. And she asks me to be in the delivery room and take pics. I was STOKED. And honored. (Even though she didn’t name the baby after me, but whatever. I’m holding out high hopes for a Baby No. 5.)  So we talked all about it, and the plan was set. I get the “go” call and drive to a nearby town about 45 minutes away to the hospital. I call Holly. “Hey, I’m here. Where are you guys?” So she gives me directions. I walk inside…no Holly. Well, I’m HORRIBLE with directions. So I try again and again for like 30 minutes. I call back a few more times. I follow the directions…but yet when I get to the final destination, I don’t ever find Holly’s husband. Finally, after much time passes, an idea occurs to me. “Um…what hospital are you at?” She tells me. “Uh-oh.” Turns out she is at the OTHER hospital in this town. We had never discussed WHICH hospital, and I had assumed she was at the one where she delivered Baby No. 3. I was wrong.

So then I’m stressed. There’s a baby a comin’ and the photographer isn’t there. “Don’t have that baby, Holly! Whatever you do, don’t be selfish and have that baby. You have to wait for me!” So I jump in Old Blackie (my car, of course), and race down the road. And when I say “race,” I mean, I did 45 in a 30, but also in a WELL KNOWN speed trap. The lights flash. I pull over. The cop pulls over. And I’m like, “Omigosh my friend is having a baby and she has her babies in like two hours and I went to this hospital but I was supposed to be at that hospital but I was wrong and I couldn’t find her and I’m like hey where are you and she was like hey where are you but neither one of us was in the right place and then I got in Blackie because Blackie is like a rocket okay she’s really not but she thinks she is  and I’m not gonna tell her she’s a four cylinder Honda Accord but now I’m on the side of the road by the EZ Mart gas station GETTING A TICKET for forty-five miles per hour and Officer, I’m in a hurry!!!!”

And he looks at me. “Ma’am,” he says real slow. “Being in a hurry could get you killed.”

Uh-huh. (Did I mention I was doing 45 miles per hour? Straight-stretch. No traffic. I wanted to roll my eyes SO BAD.) But instead, I said, “Yes, sir.” And then I made teary eyes because I’m a former drama teacher, and I’ve learned a trick or two. And…he let me go.

And I drove the half mile to the right hospital. And we did the whole directions thing again, but this time, when I got to the end, there was Holly’s husband. And we were both in the right place! And Holly? She had a boy. Ten hours later.

Here’s something else from the bulletin board. Let’s zoom in for a closeup. This is my friend Leslie and yours truly parasailing in Florida.

Things to know about this picture: I don’t like heights. It was a very windy day. That’s all I want to say about that shot.

More scintillating details from the home tour Friday. AND I’ll announce to the two latest winners of So Not Happening, as well. Who wouldn’t want to miss that? That’s almost as good as the American Idol finale.

Before I go, I have to share that:

1. A student is walking down the hall playing the ukulele.

2.  And earlier, on his way out of class,  “Zach,” got on all fours, hid on the other side of my desk and let “David” sit on his back. They walked by my desk, and Zach says, “Ms. Jones! Does it look like David’s floating?” That was my first laugh of the day. It was 3:30.