Did everyone have a good weekend? I saw Post Grad. I thoroughly disliked it, but I’ve heard of a few thumbs up for the movie. I thought it was a bad attempt to combine Juno, Little Miss Sunshine, and RV.  I liked Michael Keaton, weird and irrelevant as he was. And I LOVED Carol Burnett in it. She could walk on a film just to read her grocery list, and I’d be waving a white Kleenex and shouting “Oscar! Oscar!” Anybody seen anything GOOD lately? I have to admit I did not like Time Traveler’s Wife. But. . .I also couldn’t finish the book. Didn’t enjoy it either, so maybe I have the taste of a 13 year old boy (well, within reason…). I just kept watching Time Traveler’s Wife and thinking, “Nuh-uh! _______ could never happen because_______.”  I believe in logic, God, and explanations for everything (which is probably redundant). That movie defied all three. If you’re a time traveler, there has to be a reason. Is this addressed in the book? And if you’re drawn to the same events and people over and over, there has to be a reason. (addressed in book?)  Otherwise. . .you’re just on drugs. And that’s what I wanted to yell to the screen. “Hey, Henry, lay off the crack and Oxycontin and most of this will clear right up!” And I personally think there’s a universal law that when the time traveler-you and the you-you are in the same room, someone has to blow up. I’m pretty sure I read that in the Bible. Probably Revelation. But maybe Numbers (would be easy to hide a little fact in Numbers). Also could’ve been something Tom Cruise said on Oprah while jumping on a couch.

So I was with my niece and nephew this weekend. (Right before my nephew went to a tractor pull. Top THAT for weekend fun.) Conversation with my three-and-a-half year old niece as she’s looking out the window at the bird feeder:
Me: Did you see a bird?
Curly-headed niece: Yes. It went home.
Me: Where is home?
Niece: A tree
Me: Do you think it’s watching TV?
Niece: Yes.
Me: What do you think it’s watching?
Niece: Wrestling.

So today was that time of the year when I take it like a woman (meaning down some Midol) and get a mammogram. Did you know if your mother had breast cancer, you need to start getting mammos ten years prior to her age at detection? (Fun fact for the day.)  Or by age 40. I made up a mammogram song last night as I was fixing dinner, but sadly, I can’t remember a word of it. I’m pretty sure the word “boob” was in it.  And I think it ended with “OW.” Actually it drives me nuts how women talk badly about the mammogram experience. It’s not that bad. It’s surprisingly quick. And aside from the fact that somehow they trap your lung in with your girls in the Magic Smasher, it’s SO not a big deal. What IS a big deal is that the magazines at the medical center I go to STINK. It’s like there are two phases to the magazines in this place. There is the outer waiting area, where the crap magazines are. Then when you get called into the next waiting room (if you have results to get or further testing), there are GREAT magazines. Like it’s not worth their time to set out the good mags if you’re gonna run and bail. But if they can get you through phase one–periodical heaven.

But in the main waiting area, here is what I had for today’s reading selections:
Welcome Mat–a magazine that is full of ads for this region of Arkansas. As in 100 percent full. That’s all it was. Well, welcome to you too.
Golf World--don’t even get me started. Those guys can’t even wear decent pants.
The McDonald County phone book of 2006. McDonald County would be a county…in Missouri. I do not live in Missouri. Neither does my doctor’s office.
Parents magazine. (No cat articles. What is the point?)
three Holy Bibles. I thought of stuffing two of them down my shirt to see if the technician would notice.
Nuevo Testemento–when the three Holy Bibles just aren’t enough
Watchtower–because sometimes you get done with Golf World and there’s just nothing else

With the limited choices, of course Parent magazine was my best bet. Not because I have children in my future. But because it was the only one that was from 2009. They do always have some interesting articles. Here are some I found:

“Take the Scariness Out of School.”  Sadly there was not a single tip in there for teachers. WE’RE the ones who should be scared.

“Pork For Picky Eaters.” Pigs are bottom feeders and if a child doesn’t want to eat pork, I’d say that’s just good intuition. And good artery clogging prevention.

“Talking To Kids About Work”   One tip was to “make your job sound fun to your child by sharing something you’re excited about doing at work. “Mommy loves lunch!”

“Do You Eat Like a Kid?” I answered “none of your business” and picked up the McDonald County phone book instead.

“Get Your Kid Hooked on Fish.” Tip one: Fry the daylights out of it. The more batter, the more better.

“Petting Zoo Rules.”  Yes, it’s okay to share your pacifier with the emu. No, it’s not okay to share Mommy’s burrito.

“Cupcakes For a Cause.” I don’t know what the cause is, but I’m a big supporter.

“Happy Labor Day.” Just think about this one for a sec. You’ll get the article theme.

“Get the After School Scoop.” Promoting gossip as early as kindergarten. You can’t start them too soon. “Abby’s Dora sweatshirt was so not the right color for her complexion…”

“I Survived Preschool.” Dude, I’ve survived a lockdown.

“Bus Basics.” Look, we all feel like stepping in front of one on bad days with kids. But don’t do it. Some other mom or teacher would be the one to have to clean it up.

“Raise a Kid Who Loves School.” Yes, please. Do that. And then send me that special fairy dust.

I hope you had a great weekend and have an even better week! Stay tuned for Wednesday when I’ll give away another copy of Just Between Me and You.

JEN

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