My friend, Snow Loving Holly and her family on Sled Day. (Used without permission and shamelessly stolen off Facebook)

It’s Friday, and much of the South is being beautifully pummeled by a winter storm. Ice, sleet, snow, and sledding. I have today off–Snow Day. This will not be new information to anyone, but I happen to love  The Snow Day. I don’t mean love as in “I love that movie.” Or “I love that brand of tea.” Or “I love my fine point pen.” Words–cheap words. Because my love goes way beyond that. It’s deep. It’s true. And it’s lazy.

Snow Days make me absolutely giddy. When I get that “no school” call, my mood lightens immediately. I smile. I get energized. I breathe deeper. Sometimes I even sing a little impromptu song incorporating the themes of sweat pants, marshmallows, or sled burn.

So because I enjoy The Snow Day so much, it hurts my heart when others do not. And when they call school, I am always a target–because I am such a locally known champion of frozen precip. My friend Snow Loving Holly knows my pain. She is the Snow Ambassador in her school as well. It’s a lonely, lonely job. We have few followers. Sometimes we have online meetings and we’re the only two who show up. Sometimes others say mean things to us. Mean, hurtful, spiteful things. Such as “I don’t want to go to school in July!” Or “Don’t you care about educating children?” Or “Ask your dad why he has a Barry Manilow tattoo on his navel!”  I don’t know how that last one is relevant to weather, but the others are really really hurtful.

It occurs to me, as I watch the snow falling down, that maybe some people don’t appreciate the Snow Day because…they don’t know how. Much like learning an adult cannot read, this discovery inspires both sympathy and pity in my ice-crystal loving heart. I decided this madness had to stop. So I penned a little book called The Snow Manual. Please allow me to spend a few moments educating you on the ways of truly enjoying the Snow Day.

Tip Number One: The Snow Day Uniform

Dress is really important on your white, fluffy day off.  There are a multiple details, but the main thing is if you look down at your attire and you match, you’re doing it wrong.

Staying inside? Sweats are a must. I personally gravitate toward my Old Navy polar fleece collection at this time. I would wear polar fleece in the summer if I thought I could get away with it. And not smell. I like to look as if I’m seconds away from going on a chilly run. But I’m not. Because exercise of that nature is against the rules (see page 167 of my self-pubbed Snow Manual, Section B, Article Number 17).

Going outside? If sledding is on your agenda, then again, your clothing cannot match. In fact your fashion choices should be a blatant crime against both style and the color wheel. This isn’t Breckenridge, people. This is a time when you grab from your “winter drawer,” shove stuff on, and in some cases, look like you belong to the opposite gender. Men, at this time, it’s okay to wear a giant pink parka. Ladies, men’s snow bibs are divine. Until you need to pee. But there are rules for that too. (Please see manual section titled “Taking the Time To Use an Indoor Toilet is For Amateurs.”)

Tip Number Two: You Must Sled (subtitle: No Matter What)

My friend Snow Loving Holly is the queen of sledding.  A few years ago she was house hunting, and one of the reasons she purchased her current home is the great sledding it afforded. And this is why we’re friends. I pick my cars by the quality of cup holders. She picks homes for the cleared hills.  In fact, she is currently sledding right now. She invited perfectly sane adults to camp out in her living room last night, so everyone, including her four children and two dogs, could trek to the slopes this morning.

If you  think, “I’m too old to sled,” then you can just zip that negativity up with your ski vest. The cool thing about sledding is that gravity, velocity, and the occasional tree in the way know no age. When you’re airborne, you’re timeless. You’re like the something out of a Bradbury story. That movie Cocoon. Right now people are sledding, and I’m at home working on a book. And frankly, I’m a little disgusted with myself. I feel like an injured soldier watching her platoon go off to war without her. Sledding moments in life are few and fleeting. You must grab them while you can. And if you don’t have a few scrapes, bruises, and bone dislocations, then you aren’t worth the sled your butt sits upon.

Tip Number Three: Healthy Food Not Allowed

The Snow Day is about the Lord’s beauty. What better way to say, “Thank you God for Nature!” than to eat more food than your body can comfortably contain? Here are a few rules taken from the chapter called “Sugar is White and So is Snow.”

1. All food must contain one or more of the following ingredients: partially hydrogenated oils, high-fructose corn syrup, chocolate, bleached flour, Velveeta, maltodextrin, palm kernel oil, Rotel, soy lecithin, ammonium sulfate, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, chili powder, and Crisco.

2. You are eating for warmth, socialization, and gluttony. You are not eating for health, for that Trainer Bob voice in your head, or for energy that will sustain you all day, versus coming in short, sugar-induced bursts.

3. Food is an accessory on this day. It’s the icing on top. The healthy stuff may give you nutrients you need, but today we are deriving our strength from the high that can only come from snow, ice, and flinging your body down a hill on a the lid of a trash can.

4. If you don’t want a nap one hour after consuming The Snow Day foods, you’ve eaten the wrong things.Comas and energy spurts go hand in hand.

This is getting wordy, and I have windows to stare out and flakes to count. More excerpts from my soon-to-be published book The Snow Manual (coming soon to a Dollar General and Git n Go near you) on Monday. This is my small way of trying to initiate some healing in this world.

Jen, Snow Ambassador, Region 167

Raise your hand if a big snow and ice storm is barreling your way!  Meeee!

Raise your hand if you are praying the power stays on so you don’t have to jump in place for warmth and read by totally unromantic candle light. Meeeee!

Okay, American Idol. WHAT the heck? I missed Avril Lavigne, but I read about it. And saw pics. Cute horned hoodie. Because devil-wear can be for special occasions too.  But Katy Psycho Perry. Omg, omg, omg, shut her up. I’m not a Kara fan, but I wanted her to wind up and punch Katy. (And if that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.)   It’s one thing to be rude, but to be psycho rude CLEARLY for the sake of on-air conflict when you CLEARLY have no acting or improv skills…just make it go away. Like she made no sense. Again, not a fan of Kara, but I thought she handled it well in terms of her comments. Mine would’ve gone a little differently. Also would’ve involved a taser.

I told my friend Leslie, who just got married, she should renew her vows and wear THIS. Mrs. Haversham! Mrs. Haversham!

Chris Brown went to fashion week in Paris and had his picture taken with designer Jean Paul Gaultier. Unfortunately, Gaultier’s theme for the show was a little too reminiscent of Brown’s rap sheet.  Check it out.

I totally stole this from Green Bean Teen Queen (who has one of my favorite blogs), but I’m excited about the preview for Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

If you haven’t read those books, you really need to–at least the first one. So good. And funny. And clever. And such a dead-on portrayal of a middle school boy.

This past week the internet lit up with video by a wife who captured of her husband sleep talking. Something he apparently does a lot. Because if it’s funny, a simple wedding band will not get in the way of a smart lady capitalizing on it.

Have a great rest of the week. Stay warm! And if I have electricity, I’ll see you Friday!

JEN

Christian Fiction Blog Alliance/Christian Work at Home Moms interviewed me last week. Thought I’d further embarrass myself and share. If you listen close enough you can hear the few moments where all thought CLEARLY leaves my head. It’s almost audible. And my out-of-control twang. George Strait ain’t got nothing’ on me here. And God bless Jill Hart, the lovely woman conducting the interview. She tolerates me well.

TGIF. I’m so glad to see the weekend.

Last weekend was busy, busy, busy. I woke up Friday with my eyeball all cyclopsy, which STRESSED me because I was to be in my good friend Leslie’s wedding the very next day. So I went to the doctor, got some drugs, and went home and said some affirmations in the mirror like, “You don’t look gross.” And “A bloated eye is still a very nice eye.” Or “At least your butt didn’t swell.”

Anyway, I am makeup-less for ten days and having some sort of weird allergic reaction to who knows what, but the doctor gave me the thumbs up to wear the makeup for the wedding. Which was good. Because that eye needed some camouflage.

Here we are at the rehearsal dinner.

That’s me, Leslie the Bride, and Kim. Two things I want to make clear in this picture.
1. Leslie and I are not holding hands.
2. I’m not flashing the peace sign. Especially an upside down one. Nor am I sending a silent hello to my gang.

I didn’t wear my Maybelline to the rehearsal dinner and felt a bit like a leper. The eye was pretty obvious. And weird looking.

Here we are at the wedding. With makeup! Woo!

Kim, Leslie the Bride, Jennifer the White Girl Who Needs To Work What Little Remains of Her Biceps, and Ginger the Tan

It was a great wedding and a  huge success. And by that I mean there was some good cake.

I know I shouldn’t judge and call someone out, but I have to say this and get it off my chest:  John Edwards… you are a nimrod. Omg, seriously? SERIOUSLY? What a blight on the story of that child. My dad publicly denied me. My dad had some schmoe claim paternity. Um, did you want to go ahead and say a hex over her too? John Edwards said he hoped when his daughter was old enough she’d understand. I’d love to hear that explanation. I hope it starts with, “Well, I had just taken up crack cocaine…” When Edwards first came on the scene, I thought he was pretty captivating personality-wise. Very Kennedy-like to me. But Southern. Okay, I’m done. But John, if you’re reading this, you are a first class idiot.

Another thing bothering me is the removal of one Conan O’Brien. It makes me want to buy this shirt. I like Leno, I do. But this whole late night fiasco is ridiculous.  NBC should be doing something more worthy of their time and energy. Like bringing the funny back to Saturday Night Live. (Seriously, quit picking vanity guests and get some people with an inclination toward humor. Like Jane Lynch. She would be AWESOME.)

I’ve been shopping on Etsy lately to find some bookplates and stationery. I love that site, though it’s overwhelming in the sheer amount of stuff it has. They usually feature a different seller on the homepage every so often. Today’s seller makes and sells lingerie. The name of her line? Hopeless.

You never know what you’re gonna find on Etsy. Like these dishes.

And this artist has some really cool prints. But when I saw this one, I immediately saw breakfast cereal. You know the one.

Newbery winners were announced. You can check them out HERE. A few of those books are on my shopping list for my classroom, so I’m excited to read them.

Every semester I get a new batch of ninth graders. Instead of giving the “let me tell you about me” talk (yawwwwnnn), I give them a pop quiz where they have to answer questions about me as creatively as possible. Like, “What is my most embarrassing junior high memory?” Here are a few of their responses.

Me: I have a cat. What is his name?
Students: Sprinkles, Will Ferrell, Mittens, Twinkie, and Moo

Me: What is my other profession?
Student: Taxi driver
Student: Clown suit designer
Student: You are secretly Cat Woman
Student: Super cowgirl ninja princess zombie witch in space.

Me: What college did I graduate from?
Student: University of Funness

Me: What is my favorite summer job I had as a teen?
Student: Lumberjack
Student: Pig wrestling

Me: What is my favorite food?
Student: Salmon flavored ice cream

Me: What is my favorite song this week?
Student: Happy as a Dead Pig in the Sunshine by Khaki King
Me: That’s a real song, isn’t it?
Student: Uh, yeah

Me: What is my favorite movie of all time?
What I THOUGHT the kid said: Big and Busty
What the kid ACTUALLY said: The Big Lebowski

I hope you have a fabulous weekend. Wear some makeup for me.
Jen

Thank you so much for your feedback on the book covers. I appreciate it so much and passed it on to the good folks at Thomas Nelson.

Before I move on to interesting things, an update on the puppy. It’s a long story, but Friday she went back to her original owners where she is in a dog’s heaven. If I were a dog, I would walk any distance to these people’s home. Tilly is now with her puppy parents, one sibling, her original human family and already spoiled.  I ended up falling totally in the love with the dog, but it was one of those things where I knew my house wasn’t the better home. Besides, who wants to live with Miller the Puking Cat? So I was bummed, but that dog is living the high life.

Speaking of cats, Miller needs to take lessons from this smart one.

Did anyone catch Posh Spice in American Idol last week? I get that she is this fashion guru, but girl, step out of the self-tanner booth. The orange skin didn’t really match her outfit. Or that lace underwear band she wore on her forehead.

For the first time in 60 years, someone did not leave roses and cognac on Edgar Allan Poe’s grave on his birthday. Makes you wonder what happened to the mystery fan. . .

Are you guys watching Castle? This show has really grown on me. It’s really evolved and gotten better. And it has Nathan Fillion, so what’s not to love? Anyway, this last Monday night’s episode was AWESOME and totally went in a new direction. And to make it even better, they capped it off with this song. It instantly got my attention. I was like, “I know that voice…and yet I don’t.”  I Googled the lyrics and found it.

Isn’t that awesome? It’s Pearl Jam. I sent it to my friend Sheila, and I said, “Listen to how different he sounds.” And she says, “Eddie Vedder. Wow, he’s not angry anymore.” That’s it. That’s exactly what’s different.

Did you see what Maria Sharapova wore to the Australian Open?  Actually it was hard to notice the outfit for the words “70 million dollar contract extension with Nike” in the article. Clearly Nike needs to pay her 75 mil so she can shop somewhere besides the Army Surplus for the next match.

Good news. Breakfast burritos are now on the Dollar Menu at McDonald’s. Is this part of the stimulus plan? Clearly President Obama got my letters about my ideas for things that would really help out Americans. Because Cash for Clunkers didn’t do a thing for me. Now this gives me hope to wait patiently for my “Mandatory Uniform of  Sweats and Jeans for Teachers” legislation to pass.

Have a great rest of the week. See you Friday!

JEN