Why I Do Not Have Children
I have a cat.
His name is Miller.
Miller is socially and mentally challenged. We have this in common.
Miller also meows.
A lot.
We do not have this in common. It makes me want to strangle something. Like, him. Miller has no front claws, but 2 years ago I finally introduced him to outside. At first he hated it and flung himself at the door. “Make it go away!” Then…he got used to it. And then…it became his crack. (That doesn’t read quite right. Anyway…) So now my blissfully silent cat meows ALL THE TIME. When he’s inside, he wants out. When he’s outside, he wants in. It could seriously drive a girl to drink. Or at least get a schnauzer. I thought I would share the joy that is Miller Jones. . . And don’t let his cuteness distract you.
So then I let him outside. And…he does this.
Did you catch the “Meow and Look?” He knows what he’s doing. He meows. Then he checks to see if I’m watching. Exhibit A.
Sometimes he doesn’t even get a meow out before he whips that fuzzy white head around. “You lookin’ at me?”
And now…Miller has a girlfriend. It’s only a matter of time, though, before he meows her away. And this girlfriend happens to be the ugliest thing to enter the feline world.
Are you seeing this? I guess I should be proud I’ve raised a cat who judges by what’s on the inside. Or maybe she’s the only deaf cat on the block.
Girlfriend Cat always comes to our yard. (Tramp) Miller does not visit her. Girlfriend Cat must yield some power because half the time Miller looks scared to death of her.
Or he just plays hard to get. 
Or pretends to look the other way. 
I’m just gonna inspect this wall. Looking for structural damage that I might need to take care of.
His scared look again. 
“Get off my porch.”
Let’s take a closeup of that. 
Ears back. Eyes wide. Ladies, if you see this in your man, it does not say, “I love you.” It says, “If I had front claws, I’d probably run them over your face.”
And here’s a closeup of Girlfriend.
You get that camera any closer, I WILL bust a cap on you.
So anyway, that’s what’s going on in Miller’s exciting world. He’s a total babe magnet and can’t figure out what to do with her besides stare and assume the crouch position. My family says he gets his social skills from me. And as the cat mom, I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do. Invite Girlfriend Cat in for a nice chat and some warm milk? Ask her who her parents are? Find out what kind of riff-raff she runs around with? I can’t let Miller sit on the porch and hiss at just any kitty. We have standards in our house. Rules. Expectations for decorum. And how do you know when to draw the line? Right now if Girlfriend Cat isn’t in our yard, Miller will hide in a shrub and wait for her. Probably composing poetry in his head. With words like love, summer’s day, and stinky tuna.
I’ll keep you posted on our love connection here. Desperate Housewives ain’t got nothing on us.
I hope the rest of your week goes well. And remember, even ugly cats need love.
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20 Comments so far
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Oh Jenny, this post made my day. I too have a chronic meow-er. Pepper meows all the freaking time, has his entire life. He wants out, he wants in. He wants “fresh” food, he wants treats, he wants “fresh” water (if only he could’ve been trained to turn on a faucet, I think maybe that would make his world), he wants to be held, he wants to be put down. It never ends!!! And Girlfriend Cat…wow, she is a piece of work! LOL!!
Hey Jenny,
I had a cat about 6 or 7 yrs. ago it still had all it’s claws. I was about 4 or 5 at the time and the cat (cindy) decided to cause me permanant brain damage by jumping on my head(twice!)and digging her little claws into my SKULL!She then ran away; my head thanked her! Then I had an anti-social cat(pecan)she enjoyed biting people and eating my hair. we gave her away. We now have a mini poodle: Truffles. definitely the best of the pets.
Wish the catty couple the best for me!
Liv
Hahaha! Before we had our daughter, my husband and I would often give examples of our pet parenting of WHY WE DON’T HAVE KIDS.
Also, I have a tortoiseshell cat (like Girlfriend) – and SHE is actually the chronic meower! Drives me UP the WALL!!!
Hi-stinkin-LARIOUS!!
Ha, that was great.
Miller looks so cute and fluffy, even if he is a little challenged.
I have an (almost twenty pounds) orange and white furball, Jack. My brother got a new little black kitten a few weeks ago, and things have been fascinating around here. I only recently learned the meaning of a cat fight. One minute, they’ll be cuddled up with each other, and the next they’ll be rolling around and sinking their teeth into each other’s ears or paws. The new kitten, Oliver, seems to have a mild case of chronic meowing. He also likes to join me in my desk chair- he balances on the back of it, halfway laying across my shoulders.
~Kristin
please get a doggie/cat door. life will easy!
will BE easy. ugh.
Beware the kitty door. We attempted one with my old cat, Kitty (I know, original), and she would bring in treats for us. Sometimes they were still alive.
Ruth, my tragedy is that my cat used to be almost mute. Then I let him outside 2 years ago and he hasn’t shut up since. I remember peace…
Olivia, any pet named Truffles HAS to be a good one!
Mary, tortoiseshell. That’s a nice way of describing the cat.
Kristin, that makes me jealous for a kitty. A normal, mentally aware kitty.
Becky, Ashley, I live in citified wilderness and can’t have a cat door. Besides Miller wouldn’t ever figure it out. Trust me. It would just be something else to meow at.
My cats refused the indoor cat door to the garage until i took the flap off. they meowed and played with it so you had a running soundtrack of “pliiiing” when the magnet snapped the door shut when they let it go. and then someone pooped on the floor so we gave up…=/
i have two “ugly” girls, skinny versions of Millers girlfriend. they look better sleek and skinny…
and Miller, retarded or not, is the cutest thing ever!
So…I think Miller’s girlfriend is kind of cute. I mean, she’s got a pink collar and everything. She’s tantalizing.
Miller is awesome. He’s going to become my guru for life–hide, hide, hide from the opposite sex.
That is one ugly girlfriend cat. Ick.
Hey Jenny! Ok I have a cat and I love it but lately I swear its on crack… Anyways! Kinda have a question for ya… Hope its ok that I just comment and ask and if not you could just say so and I would probably apologize haha Um so! Is it true your going on the Never the Same Mission trip with Susie Mag? I went the past two years and its so great! Oh and I’m going this year, so excited! Anyways just wondering! Thanks!
Hi,
My name is bob I was once smothered in hot cheese. I still have nightmares about that…anyhoo, I love your blog. By the way I am a character in one of your bloggers’ imagination. She is awesome, I mean amazing, I’m talking prodigy, I’m talking Harvard at the age of 11, She’s grea-I’ll stop now…
Who is Bob’s creator you ask. You may or may not be answered…(can someone say dun dun duhhhhhh)
My daughter has a cat that looks very much like Girlfriend (I’ve always considered her to be the ugliest cat I ever saw). Smokey is the absolute most unique cat on the planet. There’s never been another one like her! She will jump up on something and she will, just for spite, take her paw and knock something off onto the floor! Just for the heck of it! And she brings “treats” in the house too! What a cat! My other 2 cats have quite unique personalities also, unlike any cats I have ever had. Thankfully, they are very pretty cats!
Passing on all your supportive comments of Girlfriend Cat’s appearance. I have a feeling she could use the confidence boost.
You are a crazy cat person….
Miller is so ADORABLE!! How cute. Although the meowing would definitely drive me up a wall. I’m glad my cat doesn’t do that.
ahahahahaha!! This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in forever!! You should be proud you raised your cat to look on the inside!
this post totally had me loling! sigh. I love cats. Your Mr. Miller sounds like my Flower who occasionally in the evenings will take to running around the house at breakneck speed. I have no idea what’s got a holt of her but it is hilarious! She also has no front claws and therefore never goes out…
OK, back to “So Over My Head.” Did I mention, loving it? V. bummed to be missing acfw conf~