Why I Do Not Have Children
I have a cat.
His name is Miller.
Miller is socially and mentally challenged. We have this in common.
Miller also meows.
A lot.
We do not have this in common. It makes me want to strangle something. Like, him. Miller has no front claws, but 2 years ago I finally introduced him to outside. At first he hated it and flung himself at the door. “Make it go away!” Then…he got used to it. And then…it became his crack. (That doesn't read quite right. Anyway…) So now my blissfully silent cat meows ALL THE TIME. When he's inside, he wants out. When he's outside, he wants in. It could seriously drive a girl to drink. Or at least get a schnauzer. I thought I would share the joy that is Miller Jones. . . And don't let his cuteness distract you.
So then I let him outside. And…he does this.
Did you catch the “Meow and Look?” He knows what he's doing. He meows. Then he checks to see if I'm watching. Exhibit A.
Sometimes he doesn't even get a meow out before he whips that fuzzy white head around. “You lookin' at me?”
And now…Miller has a girlfriend. It's only a matter of time, though, before he meows her away. And this girlfriend happens to be the ugliest thing to enter the feline world.
Are you seeing this? I guess I should be proud I've raised a cat who judges by what's on the inside. Or maybe she's the only deaf cat on the block.
Girlfriend Cat always comes to our yard. (Tramp) Miller does not visit her. Girlfriend Cat must yield some power because half the time Miller looks scared to death of her.
Or he just plays hard to get. 
Or pretends to look the other way. 
I'm just gonna inspect this wall. Looking for structural damage that I might need to take care of.
His scared look again. 
“Get off my porch.”
Let's take a closeup of that. 
Ears back. Eyes wide. Ladies, if you see this in your man, it does not say, “I love you.” It says, “If I had front claws, I'd probably run them over your face.”
And here's a closeup of Girlfriend.
You get that camera any closer, I WILL bust a cap on you.
So anyway, that's what's going on in Miller's exciting world. He's a total babe magnet and can't figure out what to do with her besides stare and assume the crouch position. My family says he gets his social skills from me. And as the cat mom, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. Invite Girlfriend Cat in for a nice chat and some warm milk? Ask her who her parents are? Find out what kind of riff-raff she runs around with? I can't let Miller sit on the porch and hiss at just any kitty. We have standards in our house. Rules. Expectations for decorum. And how do you know when to draw the line? Right now if Girlfriend Cat isn't in our yard, Miller will hide in a shrub and wait for her. Probably composing poetry in his head. With words like love, summer's day, and stinky tuna.
I'll keep you posted on our love connection here. Desperate Housewives ain't got nothing on us.
I hope the rest of your week goes well. And remember, even ugly cats need love.
