The Sky is Falling

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Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been hiding from dead birds falling from the sky. Let the set the stage for you.

So Friday, New Year’s Eve day, I leave Town A to go “work on my fidness” at the unholy hour of 5 a.m.in Town B. After this less-than thriller event, it’s dark and it’s raining, and I decide that the library is going to send the mob after me if I don’t return their sack-load of books I had been using for research. I had rechecked them 3x and now they were overdue by like a week. Times a million books. Equals big fine and mad librarians. So I go to town C to return them. In the dark. In the rain and the weird warm temps. And no one is around, and it’s creepy. So I get back in my car and…the tornado siren goes off. This scares me as I have not heard a tornado siren in about ten years. In Town A, where I live, we don’t believe in those things and just like to risk it. Either that or there are too many deaf people in this retirement community and it isn’t worth the city’s investment.

So I’m like, “Oh, no! Super loud, ear-piercing wail of an alarm! What shall I do?!” So I turn on the radio and they mention a tornado quite a ways away. Two of the radio stations are off the air. I text my friend, Snow Loving Holly, who also works on her fidness at 5 a.m., and she checks the weather for me as I drive Blackie through Historic Downtown C, ready to put the pedal to the metal, sound my General Lee horn, and go ride like Uncle Jesse is kidnapped yet again.

To put this in perspective, since forever, I have had a reoccurring dream. And it is that I am away from home, in my car or (usually) walking some neighborhood, and a tornado unexpectedly shows up, and I have to find shelter immediately, and I’m usually freaking out because I don’t want to barge in on a stranger and be “that girl.” You know, that girl who always shows up at your door when a cyclone is chasing her and needs to borrow your tub to squat in. So some part of me is always waiting for that dream to be less about reoccurring nightmare and more about prophecy handed to me by the Holy Lord so I might seek plumbing to cling to in my time of unexpected need. And I kept thinking, “You just HAD to keep those books forever! You just HAD to recheck them 100 times. You just HAD to check out books from a town you don’t even live in! And TODAY is the day you just HAD to take them back?!!!”

Snow Loving Holly calls me back and finally sets my mind at ease. I would live another day. The tornado was nowhere near me. Blackie was sad, but I promised her we’d go jump a few ditches later. Or at least do a few donuts at the Dairy Queen. Sadly, in another part of the county, the tornado did do some tragic damage. It was freakish weather indeed.

Okay, then that night, as you might have seen on the national news, over five thousand black birds fell from the sky in Beebe, Arkansas. Dead. With organ damage. THEN!!! THEN!!! In Ozark, Arkansas, 100,000 barrel fish were found dead. THEN!!! Yesterday, dead birds raining in Lousiana. THEN!!! Today dead birds in Kentucky.
All this to say, if aliens are not responsible, I will have to take to my bed with my People, conspiracy theories, and raging depression.

So friend Funny Sheila and I have been talking about these unnatural disasters caused by the looming Zombie Apocalypse and the nuclear reactor in the middle of our state. And THEN!!! I read this headline today:
Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp Quietly Dating.

Translation: People get ready. Jesus is Coming.

Sheila has this to say: I have to wonder if it’s somehow related to the dead birds. Like one of the plagues or something.

As if there could be any other explanation!!
Y’all, stock up on your Dasani, buy those cases of Beanie Weenies, and battery-up those flash lights, because I do feel we are about to enter a national, if not global crisis.
Birds are falling and Meg Ryan is quietly eating pizza with John Cougar.
I for one, do not take this lightly. And it’s not even 2012.
And somewhere….a Mayan is laughing.


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27 comments

27 Comments so far

  1. Kari January 4th, 2011 5:15 pm

    I do believe this is your best post ever!

  2. Ruth January 4th, 2011 6:28 pm

    I whole-heartedly agree with Kari, BEST POST EVER.

  3. GreenBeanTeenQueen January 4th, 2011 6:43 pm

    OK, I can get over the falling birds and fish things but seriously Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp??? That is just too weird and wrong. I’m seriously freaked out now, thanks to you!!

  4. Jules January 4th, 2011 7:00 pm

    I’m going to third that BEST POST EVER comment.

  5. Jenny B Jones January 4th, 2011 7:06 pm

    Could y’all stop your complimenting for one minute to grasp the gravity of this situation?

    But thanks. ; )

  6. Janice Thompson January 4th, 2011 7:08 pm

    You are hysterical. I just posted on this very thing a couple hours ago. :)

  7. Rhonda January 4th, 2011 7:22 pm

    Yep. Pretty darn funny!

  8. Amy January 4th, 2011 7:24 pm

    Question: who is using the tornado sirens?? I think I would have slept through the whole thing if my overly-worried dad hadn’t called. But I agree: best post ever!

  9. shabbygeek January 4th, 2011 7:30 pm

    If my gut had a Facebook page, it’s status update would say “BUSTED AFTER READING JEN’S HILARIOUS POST.”

  10. shabbygeek January 4th, 2011 7:31 pm

    Oh crap. ITS. ITS. POSSESSIVE. Gahhh.

  11. Kristin January 4th, 2011 7:37 pm

    Oh, wow. When I read a news story yesterday about the Christian group who says that Jesus is coming back on May 21st, I immediately thought, “This is something that Jenny B. Jones would mention on her blog.” =)

    ~Kristin

  12. Allie Smith January 4th, 2011 8:05 pm

    i know,right?i cant believe some lunatic would try to predict when Jesus is coming back!!!does he know that the Bible says no one will know the day nor the hour?!
    but sorry you got caught in a rainstorm of birdness.i would really freak out if i were headin to school and a bunch of dead birds landed on my windshield.but you handled it nicely :)

  13. Kristin Gray January 4th, 2011 8:31 pm

    Oh my word. Rolling in Town C (I think?).

    I heart everything about this post.

  14. Erin McFarland January 4th, 2011 8:47 pm

    Oh I am so out of the loop! Facebook has been my only source of news for a few weeks now (shame, shame). and that means I actually had to google “dead birds” to get the full scoop. sheesh! i need to go back to being an informed citizen of the world. so i know when to freak out. like when it rains birds!!!!

    and this post does rock! :)

  15. Lori January 4th, 2011 10:07 pm

    “Two american kids growin up in the heartland”

    or is M.E.G.in the USA

    Great post!!! Off to yell the sky is falling the sky is falling because after all I ate this Christmas I am looking a lot like Henny Penny.

  16. Colene January 4th, 2011 10:15 pm

    No. Really. Best post! Hilarious. Terrifying. True. How perfect. (sad about the birds, love animals and all…but…at least it isn’t central to Arkansas now…was starting to think Oklahoma had infected us.)

  17. christa January 4th, 2011 10:27 pm

    Meg and John??? Quietly dating…with that voice of his?

  18. Rhonda January 4th, 2011 10:52 pm

    I wish I could click “like” on most of these posts. :-)

  19. Jenny January 5th, 2011 8:20 am

    Embarrassing confession: Until today I knew nothing about dead birds falling from the sky. It’s due to the fact I choose to reside in a little place called Blissfully Ignorant. Thanks for letting me know the end is near.

  20. Julie Garmon January 5th, 2011 11:35 am

    I loved this, as always. Just had to say I get it about the library books. I made my husband stop by the library drop-off during the middle of night while we were speeding to the hospital. I was in labor, but couldn’t stand the thought of incruing late fees!

  21. Jenny B Jones January 5th, 2011 3:59 pm

    Thanks, guys.
    Okay, Julie, that is nuts. It’s a good thing you didn’t have your baby in the library parking lot.

    It’s okay for those of you who didn’t know about the birds. But remind me not to stay in your cellars when the world is ending.

  22. Nicole O'Dell January 5th, 2011 4:23 pm

    Jen, I agree. BEST. POST. EVER!!!

  23. Flossie :) January 5th, 2011 5:08 pm

    This is my favorite of all posts..EVER!!!

  24. Katie January 6th, 2011 7:33 pm

    My copy of Save the Date is in the mail, on the way to my house! I can’t wait :)

  25. Karen January 7th, 2011 11:57 am

    LOL, I try not to have stereotypes, but I do know alot of us Yankees think everyone in Texas is supposed to have big hair :)

    Anywhooo, I love your blog! It truly did have me chuckling on this cold and snowing Friday.

    I am so glad I found Southern Belle View. Lisa Wingate is my connection to this site and for that, I am truly grateful. Can’t wait to read each of your ladies daily blogs!

  26. Karen January 7th, 2011 12:02 pm

    P.S. Oh, I am seriously concerned about the birds etc. The book “Silent Spring” by Rachel Carson was about dying birds and DDT. But, hopefully all this stuff truly is not chemical realated and just a freak accident due to all the storms.

    Each one of us can truly make a difference to keep the Earth as clean as possible with our everyday little choices (like using cloth bags at the stores instead of plastic). Have a great day y’all and keep smiling. You never know who needs a smile today.

  27. jessica March 24th, 2011 12:50 am

    OMG! Thank you for making me burst out laughing at 12:45am and probably waking up half of my family! This is my favorite post ever! I know no one will ever read this since it was written so many monthes after it was posted, but i just started reading your blog and all of the ‘if you read this you might also like this’ that look funny. I’m so gald that i picked this one. Though, i wish i wouldn’t have discovered it in the middle of the night. Until next time.

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