Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been hiding from dead birds falling from the sky. Let the set the stage for you.
So Friday, New Year’s Eve day, I leave Town A to go “work on my fidness” at the unholy hour of 5 a.m.in Town B. After this less-than thriller event, it’s dark and it’s raining, and I decide that the library is going to send the mob after me if I don’t return their sack-load of books I had been using for research. I had rechecked them 3x and now they were overdue by like a week. Times a million books. Equals big fine and mad librarians. So I go to town C to return them. In the dark. In the rain and the weird warm temps. And no one is around, and it’s creepy. So I get back in my car and…the tornado siren goes off. This scares me as I have not heard a tornado siren in about ten years. In Town A, where I live, we don’t believe in those things and just like to risk it. Either that or there are too many deaf people in this retirement community and it isn’t worth the city’s investment.
So I’m like, “Oh, no! Super loud, ear-piercing wail of an alarm! What shall I do?!” So I turn on the radio and they mention a tornado quite a ways away. Two of the radio stations are off the air. I text my friend, Snow Loving Holly, who also works on her fidness at 5 a.m., and she checks the weather for me as I drive Blackie through Historic Downtown C, ready to put the pedal to the metal, sound my General Lee horn, and go ride like Uncle Jesse is kidnapped yet again.
To put this in perspective, since forever, I have had a reoccurring dream. And it is that I am away from home, in my car or (usually) walking some neighborhood, and a tornado unexpectedly shows up, and I have to find shelter immediately, and I’m usually freaking out because I don’t want to barge in on a stranger and be “that girl.” You know, that girl who always shows up at your door when a cyclone is chasing her and needs to borrow your tub to squat in. So some part of me is always waiting for that dream to be less about reoccurring nightmare and more about prophecy handed to me by the Holy Lord so I might seek plumbing to cling to in my time of unexpected need. And I kept thinking, “You just HAD to keep those books forever! You just HAD to recheck them 100 times. You just HAD to check out books from a town you don’t even live in! And TODAY is the day you just HAD to take them back?!!!”
Snow Loving Holly calls me back and finally sets my mind at ease. I would live another day. The tornado was nowhere near me. Blackie was sad, but I promised her we’d go jump a few ditches later. Or at least do a few donuts at the Dairy Queen. Sadly, in another part of the county, the tornado did do some tragic damage. It was freakish weather indeed.
Okay, then that night, as you might have seen on the national news, over five thousand black birds fell from the sky in Beebe, Arkansas. Dead. With organ damage. THEN!!! THEN!!! In Ozark, Arkansas, 100,000 barrel fish were found dead. THEN!!! Yesterday, dead birds raining in Lousiana. THEN!!! Today dead birds in Kentucky.
All this to say, if aliens are not responsible, I will have to take to my bed with my People, conspiracy theories, and raging depression.
So friend Funny Sheila and I have been talking about these unnatural disasters caused by the looming Zombie Apocalypse and the nuclear reactor in the middle of our state. And THEN!!! I read this headline today:
Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp Quietly Dating.
Translation: People get ready. Jesus is Coming.
Sheila has this to say: I have to wonder if it’s somehow related to the dead birds. Like one of the plagues or something.
As if there could be any other explanation!!
Y’all, stock up on your Dasani, buy those cases of Beanie Weenies, and battery-up those flash lights, because I do feel we are about to enter a national, if not global crisis.
Birds are falling and Meg Ryan is quietly eating pizza with John Cougar.
I for one, do not take this lightly. And it’s not even 2012.
And somewhere….a Mayan is laughing.