“Real” Housewives?

Despite the fact that I find ridiculous irony in the word “real” when connected to Housewives of Beverly Hills, I might’ve gotten sucked into this show one weekend. I was at home and the TV just popped on, and the remote seemed to have a mind of its own. There was a RHWBH marathon (otherwise known as the Bravo Channel) and before I knew it, three hours had passed. I’d never watched RHW. I’m not sure I will ever again. But it was an interesting way to avoid cleaning the litter box.

I tried to piece it all together, but I was a little lost on a few details.

First of all, Kim.
Kim, the child actress from 1970s Disney movies like Witch Mountain. Do you have ANY idea how famous she was to me back in the day? I used to gather my friends on the playground and make them play Witch Mountain. On alternating days we’d play Return to Witch Mountain. I had always wondered where that actress went to.
And apparently, that place is rehab.

Kyle. That’s not her real name, is it? Is she somewhat normal? She seems normal. Which of course means she must drink Diet Coke through a straw up her nose and keep the skeletons of old maids in her basement.

And THEN I find out that not only is Kim from Witch Mountain (Kyle’s friends think literally), but the sisters are sisters with Paris Hilton’s mom? What kind of world is this?

Where does everyone’s money come from?

These girls are one stress after another. And if they don’t have stress, they make some up. Or drink some up.
I don’t like drama. I live a drama free life, as evidenced by scintillating blog posts like  “I drink Frappachinos real fast.” It stressed me out watching. These are the people you cut out of your life and love them from afar. With occasional prayers and those family Christmas letters everyone loves.

Older British lady snob? Joan Collins’s illegetimate baby sister.
But then she ends up being unintentionally funny. And Joan Collins seems to be married to Don Imus. What do they do for work?
And then one of them gets her metaphors all mixed up. “I don’t know why she’s crawling up this tree.” Or “I call her the egg beater. All she’s doing is stirring the eggs.”

Cheek implants are awful. Never get cheek implants. I don’t know one person they look good on, and that includes rich “housewives” from BH.
Kyle’s husband–I like him. Is he a tool and I didn’t see it?
Kim needs a new hair dresser.

Recently I said to a friend, “Adrienne needs a new plastic surgeon.” Friend informs me Adrienne’s husband is her plastic surgeon! Okay, so maybe she needs a new husband?
I like how she wears an evening dress, but her husband is all who he is–in jeans and tennies

Anyway, in one episode, they all go to Hawaii. Because they work so hard, they need a vacation. And fighting is prettier when you’re near the beach. The beach they can only stare at.  Because nobody can get in the ocean with their hair extensions.

Taylor’s lips. Okay, I am not a face augmentation expert, but my gut says post-surgery, your  lips shouldn’t take up 3/4 of your face.

Kyle and Kim Kardashian both have a Cry Strategy. They cry very neatly. Into perfectly folded napkins, which seem to be conveniently available at just the right time.

Camille Grammar…what’s her purpose? Is this what Kelsey Grammar asked his divorce attorney?

Everyone has toned arms. I hate them.

Finally, a few of them need to quit smoking so they don’t sound like Wilford Brimley. With implants.

Anyone else watch this show? What do you think?
What’s your guilty pleasure TV show?

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12 comments

12 Comments so far

  1. Jocelyn February 7th, 2012 11:08 pm

    Jen, I just found an article that says Adrienne doesn’t get plastic surgery from her own husband. But there’s no WAY that’s true. Why would you hire a plastic surgeon when you’ve got one you can use for free? Whatevs. I know too much about this.

  2. Natalie February 7th, 2012 11:08 pm

    I would quote the lines I love from this post but there are too many. The Wilford Brimely reference took me over the edge. I hope you keep watching and commenting on this show. “Camille Grammar … what is her purpose?” So funny. I have a real weak spot for bad TV. “Say Yes to the Dress” is a show I could watch marathons of for days and days … and it’s not even the dress part that gets to me. I think wedding dresses mostly look all the same. I like to think the show is full of great stories … but I don’t know. It’s probably crap TV, but it hooks me. I also find Pawn Stars strangely addictive. Sometimes Rachel Zoe.

  3. Kari February 7th, 2012 11:27 pm

    ALL of these real housewives shows are my guilty pleasure. I’m ashamed. The Don Imus line…amazing!

  4. Erin February 8th, 2012 2:49 am

    Dance Moms… like, REAL guilty. Like, watch-with-the-sound-turned-down-low-in-case-anyone-overhears-the-insanity-coming-from-the-speakers-and-judges-me-immediately guilty. Wouldn’t-post-this-if-my-last-name-were-gonna-show-up guilty.

  5. Jenny February 8th, 2012 7:47 am

    I also make an effort to avoid drama too, and your post alone stressed me out and made me a little sad. Clearly this is not a show for me. I don’t watch tv much at all, but my viewing guilty pleasure would have to be Taylor Swift youtube concert clips. Or those etrade babies. Neither are shameful or anything, but after sitting and watching for a while I realize I have accomplished nothing constructive and feel…yep, guilty.

  6. Julie Jarnagin February 8th, 2012 9:21 am

    I’ll admit it. I watch it. You forgot to mention Brandi, the woman whose husband left her for Leann Rimes. She was constantly hitting on everyone’s husbands. Crazy!

  7. Chris Potash February 8th, 2012 10:21 am

    Ok – this post is just too funny!

    I don’t watch the Real Housewives of any city, but knowing that the Witch Mountain girl is on it, I may have to start! I loved those movies – saw them at a drive-in in our station wagon. That’s how old I am!

    My guilty pleasure tv: Rachel Zoe (I mean she really believes that pairing the right top with the right bottom is akin to curing disease – it is so great!), Hoarders (’nuff said) and Toddlers and Tiaras (“my little sweetie is just learning poise and confidence by being in pageants but she better win cause I just spent $5,000 on dresses, fake teeth, fake hair, a fake tan, makeup and dance lessons to make her better than any of these other lame three year olds!”)

  8. HopefulLeigh February 8th, 2012 12:35 pm

    I’ve been watching the Real Housewives since the second season of Orange County. I didn’t think anything would top OC but the Beverly Hills ladies are totally my favorites now. I don’t know why I love these shows so much, other than perhaps the constant realization that money can’t buy you love or happiness.

  9. Dawn February 8th, 2012 1:21 pm

    Hilarious as usual, Jenny B! Thank you for scouting out these shows and commenting so that many of us don’t have to go there! Although, I am curious about Kim from Witch Mountain! I always thought she was so pretty!

  10. Allie Smith February 8th, 2012 9:40 pm

    I don’t like drama in real life,I despise it,actually. However on t.v. it draws me like a magnet! I’m forever in awe of their pettiness and uncanny ability to channel their inner jr.higher!!! I mean,for real?! My guilty pleasure t.v. show…Keeping up with the Kardashians. It’s just so crazy,I can’t look away!!!

  11. Heather Sunseri February 9th, 2012 8:15 am

    I don’t remember who the terrible influence was on me, but I watched RH of Orange Co for a while a long time ago. And I’ve never felt so good about my life after watching how mean some of those ladies were to each other. Those shows can suck you in and you find yourself asking, are these people REALLY like that?

    Then, THEN, someone did a show that was similar to RH, but it wasn’t a RH and it was set in Louisville, KY (I wish I could remember the name of it), but I had friends who knew one of these ladies. She confirmed that the Louisville lady was exacly like that in real life, so I have since assumed that all RH’s are exactly like that in real life. It’s kind of like “If your hairdresser’s cousin’s best friends’ mother says it’s true… then it must be.”

  12. Leah February 10th, 2012 11:01 am

    Made me SO sad to know Kim is that adorable girl from the Witch Mountain movies!! I loved those movies when I was little (and wouldn’t mind watching them now either to be honest.) :) If I hadn’t read your blog post I would have never known it was the same person, she looks SO different! I even looked up before and after photos and I see no similarities. Sigh. So sad. Maybe kids shouldn’t be stars… a lot of them end up wanna-be stars with plastic faces, or a criminal record, or both. Kuddos to those who didn’t though. :)

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