Roses Are Red…

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I never knew I was so desirable until I got on Facebook. My visage is apparently so alluring, it draws men even from foreign countries. From thousands of miles away, they sense my sexy.  They write me messages and are so love-drunk, they forget how to spell. They are so besotted, their English fails them.

This one, from Fadel, sent an arrow straight to my heart:

Well hi sexy lady Jenny BABY, Well i just wish to send you this mail and i hope you don’t mind be-cos i was just also looking for a very serious and hardworking AND HONESTLY AND WELL SINCERELY AND STRAIGHT PERSON TO BE WITH AND ARE YOU 4 REAL. And i just love your sexy pic with your friend over their And has you had already said and this is all about me and i really wish to hear from you soon.

Dear Fadel,
Your mix of CAPS and text lingo has certainly turned my head. How could it not?
Your attached photo does resemble a mug shot, but I know that’s just a little Photoshop humor on your part. I like how you are looking for a hard-working hetero lady. You seem to be a man with your priorities straight. She must like dudes, and she must be a work horse.

I also like how you say, “this is all about me.” Your honesty is totes attractive. I’m cool with the way you just lay it out there, lest I think ours would be a relationship built on generosity and selflessness. Or green cards and Visas.

Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dreamier, I read on and your correspondence tells me you are Oxford educated. As if I hadn’t guessed that already.

Even though I’m blocking you for now, I’m not doing it for safety reasons. Think of it as a test of our love. If we are truly meant to be, you and your desire for my social security number…you will find me again.



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Spring Break Randoms


Hey, friends and random spammers! I’ve missed you. What have you been up to? It’s Spring Break in my world and that means no work and no college. (And also no makeup. No hair washing. No alarm setting. No cleaning. No homeworking. No professional dressing. No vegetable eating. No bedtiming.)

The sequel to Devil Wears Prada  had a cover reveal. You know it’s a big deal when your cover debut is on Entertainment Weekly. Does the arrival of Revenge Wears Prada and the eventual new Bridgette Jones novel mean (an evolved ) chick lit is returning? I hope so! Maybe if Anna Wintour gave her snobby, dismissive thumbs up…

I have been following the Pope retire/rehire situation with much interest. I love the ancient traditions of it all. Like the black and white smoke. Sometimes when I cook, I have black and white smoke.  In an age where we can have an update to millions via twitter in a single second, the Catholics bring out the smoke signals, and I think that is incredibly cool. But I didn’t understand people being so shocked by a pope quitting. The man is 85. I was ready for a Boca senior timeshare at 24.

I don’t know about you, but I never really got over the loss of the TV show Veronica Mars A Charmed Life series was born out of my love for Veronica Mars, Nancy Drew, my concern over a popular YA series about some rich girls, and the fact that I was raised around 3 boys who worshiped at the altar of Hulk Hogan and Junk Yard Dog. And by worship, I mean I was their crash test dummy. (The good news is, I’ve had 30 years to build a really good lawsuit for head injuries and emotional trauma by way of clotheslines and pile drivers.)

Today it’s sunny and 70 degrees in Arkansas. I’m picking up my mom and heading to a quaint nearby town where my latest series-in-progress is set, where you can get some darn good BBQ, and you see signs like the one above. Have a great weekend and do something fun. Buy some meteorites.






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Wait…I Smell A Rat

I was watching Castle a few weeks ago.
Beckett was being held hostage and stuff. (Just a normal day at the office for us 21st Century career girls.)
So the dangerous mobster puts Castle on the phone. And Beckett talks to him, tells him she can’t wait to go see his favorite baseball team play.
And then he knows. He knows she’s in trouble because she hates his team.

It got me to thinking. What would I say that would tip off someone on the other end of the phone that things are not okay? That I’m minutes away from being stuffed in a trunk and becoming fish bait?
What is something that is SO not you, that your phone-a-friend who just KNOW they need to call Detective Esposito to rescue you?
Mine would go a little something like, “Hey, oh, yeah, things are GREAT. What’s that? No, I totally can’t wait for that Coldplay concert with Jack Johnson as the opening act. A killer with me? Nooooo. Why do you ask?”

What would your tip off be?

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A little grass roots advertising

Colleen Coble, Kristin Billerbeck, Christa Allan

This weekend I went to Nashville, TN, to a writer’s retreat. I had been working on college junk and running on low sleep prior to leaving. Combine that with getting up at 4:00 am to leave Thursday morning, then driving 12 hours to get to Tennessee, and I was exhausted. I pretty much looked hungover the entire time I was there. I was with a group of Christian writers, and I looked like the token drunk. Stripes do not distract from eye bags. I think Christian Siriano said that.

I had a great time hanging out with writer buddies. I also got to hang out with super writer and one of my closest friends, Natalie Lloyd.

Things you need to know about Natalie:
a. She is disgustingly photogenic.

b. Our twangs must cancel one other out. She says she has a heavy accent, but girls from Arkansas do not notice these things.

c. Her awakeness made me look even more in need of AA.

d. She is seriously funny.

e. She is seriously fun.

f. She has good stories.

g. I can’t wait for you to read her fiction. It’s as enviable as her picture-taking abilities.

You can’t even see my eyeballs in that picture.
We’re totally impressing that guy behind us.

Natalie recently asked me about my mascara, and I got all excited to tell her about it. Because it’s my One Thing. You know, the one product I swear by, buy in bulk, and love to tell others about. I have tried expensive stuff (at least two whole times), but my favorite, favorite mascara is just plain old L’oreal Voluminous in black. You can purchase it wherever fine items are sold. Items such as Noxema, heating pads, and Depends. Right now you can even get it in a two pack at Wal-Mart or Target for ten bucks. Combine that with a coupon from the Sunday paper, and you’re basically stealing luxury. I also like this mascara because it supports my personal mission statement of “Who Needs Falsies?”

What’s your One Thing? Your must-have item that you swear by?

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