I’m sad to say this semester’s group of kids aren’t as quote-worthy as my previous group. But I finally rounded up some and thought I’d share.

Student 1: My favorite possession is a stuffed pig.
Student 2: You should upgrade it with an automatic oinker.

Student 3: My phone has texting. Which keeps me from being a social outcast.

Student 4: I’m not Catholic, but my rosary beads…they make me feel kinda Jesus-y.

Student 5: My favorite possession is my Chap-Stick. Who knew such a small tube of goop could be so wonderful?

Student 6: (Guy student, athlete) My favorite possession are my shoes. Those who know me, know I’m like a chick when it comes to shoes.

Student 6: My baseball shoes are my favorite. They never let me down when I want to break someone’s ankles and make them go cry to mommy.

Me to Kids: What was your favorite TV show as a young kid?
Responses:
Dexter’s Laboratory
Sponge Bob
Scooby Doo
Cat Dog
Law and Order

(Overheard conversation in class)
“What’s your last name?”
“McBride.”
“Do you spell that with a K?”

(Overheard conversation in class while students were preparing a skit.)
“So it’s like we man-hug and then we’re done.”

Me: If you could go back to any period in time, what would it be?
Student 1: Dinosaur days. I’d have a dino rodeo.

Me: What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? For example, one of mine would be Daredevil. It was so bad, it was entertaining. Like I called people and told them to see it.
Student: I think you called me.

Me: You woke up with a super power today. What is it?
Student 1: I’d have a twelve-gauge for an arm.
Student 2: Bed vision. With one beam from my eyes, a bed would pop out.
Student 3: I’d want to talk to fish.
Student 4: Super tiredness.
Me: You want to be tired?
Student 4: Super wake-up-ness
Student 5: The one where you touch touch and it turns into Skittles
Student 3: What if you hug your girlfriend? Do you have to wear gloves?
Student 6: The power to go back to bed.
Student 7: The power to get chicks.

Me: I brought some candy to give you guys.
Student: Is it good candy or is it grandma candy?
Me: What’s grandma candy?
Student: Like butterscotch
Me: Good candy (as I smile remembering the bowl of butterscotch always on my grandma’s counter.)

From a student’s paper:
“Too much homework makes me want to crawl into an oven until I’m burned to a crisp.”

Me: Who is your least favorite singer?
Nick: Preston. He’s horrible in the shower.
Me: (Laughing) THAT is not appropriate.
Nick: I meant in the locker room.

Me: What is your speech topic on?
Student 1: How to make a computer game.
Student 2 (indecipherable whispering to Student 1)
Student 1: How to make a computer GAME. Not how to make a computer gay.

Aren’t they cute?  If you would like this kind of entertainment, you can sub for me ANY TIME. The closer they get to Spring Break, the more well behaved and studious they get….really… I would never lie about that.
I hope you have a fabulous weekend.

JEN

I’m taking the day off to write, but I wanted to share the video I stole from Meg Cabot’s Tweet.

Happy Monday!

This weekend I braved it and went to Wal-Mart. The parking lot was full of class and entertainment.

And my personal favorite…

Has anyone seen Shutter Island? I think I might want to see it. I had no interest in it. Couldn’t even watch the commercials. But then I found out the previews are misleading–it’s not a horror movie. Not supernaturally twisted at all. It’s a mystery. If you’ve seen it and can swear on your next Twinkie that I won’t be watching this with my fingers over my face, please confirm this intel. Because I find it hard to believe watching this flick won’t make me feel like I took all the forces of evil home with me in my purse. Where I keep the contraband drinks and snacks.

File this under “things I care absolutely nothing about,” but I had roasted asparagus for the first time this weekend. I hate asparagus, but Awesome Editor Jamie had been telling me how great it was. I rarely believe rants that begin, “You’re going to love this vegetable…” But I finally gave it a try. And I’m happy to report eating it did not produce projectile vomit. And that’s how you spell success. I liked it enough that I wrote a little haiku in it’s honor. Goes a little something like this:

I thought you’d be gross
Because you usually are
Kind of like Aunt Marge.

This weekend was my brother’s birthday.  We had a big family dinner and ate like pigs. As I sit here I’m really regretting not taking home some cake. My mother raised me better than that. You know you’re getting old when nobody takes your picture on your b-day. If no one brings out the camera for my next birthday, I’m totally gonna be ready and take tons of pictures myself. Birthdays for my brother and me are always a time to reminisce. Like how he’s the favorite child. And how there’s a stack of photo albums of him in the living room. And half of one with me. And he’s in most of the pictures. My brother also has a well documented baby book. I have a baby book that started out well, but doesn’t really have much in it. I think you open it and it says something like, “Brought the baby home. Proud of her big brother for not smothering her with the pillow.”

This week we are doing how-to speeches. This means any attempts on my part to resist sugar in the form of brownies, chocolate chip cookies, and random unidentifiable crap will be useless. A good friend of mine taught speech and never would eat what the kids brought because it grossed her out. I wish I had that elevated sense of sanitation and hygiene.  But I don’t. I’ve eaten some scary stuff. But lived to tell about it. And that’s what keeps me coming back for more. If I die of bacterial poisoning from a kid’s no-bake cookie, at least I died happy.

You see it all during speeches. I always harp on them to pick something they care about or else they’ll do a sucky speech. Last year I had to sit through a videoed speech about skinning squirrels. I thought I was going to lose my mind. And my breakfast. And of course the speech went over the time limit by 12 minutes. Twelve extra minutes of squirrel skinning. Graded by me–the girl who has a moment of reflective silence for every lump of roadkill I pass on the highway.

I hope you have a fabulous week!

JEN

Happy Friday!

So I told you about my super talented student who is bound to write/act for Saturday Night Live. But I gave you the wrong link for her funny blog that documents her year in a Chicago inner-city school. I’m just glad she came back alive. And not selling crack. You can see the blog (for real this time) HERE. I just had to share some of her writing brilliance.

“All things beautiful must crash and burn and die a horrible screaming death before they can become beautiful again… that’s not a real saying or anything… that’s just how I felt on Monday morning.

I loved this funny story about her crappy boss at her part-time job:
He was (believe it or not) carrying on a civilized conversation with me, when he says “You know, I have a second job. You’ll never guess what it is, though, because it’s so different than this place.” He gestures to the wall of stuffed animals.

I, being stupid (as usual) and not knowing when humor isn’t welcome, say “HAH that would be freaking hilarious if it were, like, teaching Tae kwon Do or something! HA! That would be so funny.”

He teaches Tae Kwon Do. And he doesn’t think it’s that funny.

Or:
Right when you think the worst is over, life is like “Um, NO”, and decides to throw you another curve ball. This wouldn’t be so bad if, perhaps, you were athletically inclined or something. Which I am NOT.

So I’m sitting in class 091, (after a whirlwind of panic) and I’m wondering if maybe I small bad or something, because nobody is sitting within four feet of me on either side. Instead, they’ve all, like, clumped together, discussing the latest drama of the summer. ( And this time, by drama, I DO mean the oh-no-you-didn’t-just-steal-my-boyfriend-you-skank kind.)

Part of me is glad I’m not caught up in that, but the other part of me is kinda wishing I had stolen somebody’s boyfriend, just so I would have somebody to talk too.

So yeah, she’s brilliantly talented. If I had had 1/10th of that writing magic when I was her age. Well, by now I’d be selling my Pulitzer’s at garage sales just to “downsize” the collection. I’m very proud of this girl.

Did you know there are 1000 bacteria in a bowl of salsa after three to six dips of your chip? According to SHAPE magazine, it’s the germ equivalent of kissing everyone at a party. For the sake of salsa? This doesn’t bother me at all.

Thanks to my friend Jocelyn for leading me to this commercial.

It’s like The Odyssey. For cats. It’s also like someone was on crack cocaine when they created that.

And thanks to my good friend Rhonda for finding this fun site of book inscriptions. Isn’t that so interesting? I love reading inscriptions in used books.

My friend Snow Lovin’ Holly is a math teacher and sent me this IM last week: One of my kids has programmed one of my class calculators……every answer is now BOOB…… Gotta love those graphing calculators.

I know most people don’t care about this–especially the type of people who read Christian fiction–but Steven Tyler has reunited with Aerosmith. Thus the band will live to release 10 more Greatest Hits albums. Seriously, that’s all they put out. It drives me nuts. But I am relieved they are back together. Because when Joe Perry hurts, I hurt. May the mike scarves forever wave.

Remember Sleep Talking Man? Thanks to my friend, Salle, for guiding me to his blog. You can keep up with his nightly musings HERE. “Step away from the yam.”  I can’t tell you how many times I’m looking for just the right phrase and “stay away from the yam” is the only thing that will do. And check out his line of products on the blog. I personally like the tshirt that says: Squid Wrestling. It’s all Tentacles and No Substance. It would go nicely on the underwear he sells.

Finally, I want to tell you about a cool new Christian site for teens (and non-teens like me).

It’s called Clash Entertainment. And it’s a great place for teens (and parents) to go for reviews of books, movies, and music. There’s comics, articles, games, and all sorts of great links. The goal is to provide a safe source for teens to go for their entertainment needs, lift up God, and just create community. You can check it out HERE.
Have a great weekend!

JEN

I just bought the weirdest looking alarm clock ever. In fact, every time I look at it, I “see” something different–none of it appropriate. It looks like when the Stark Trek TV show got canceled and cleared out the set, this is what was left.

So I have fought the battle of the curtains in my bedroom for a few years. After a lot was cleared and a house went up, suddenly a street light was not just newly visible, but turned its high beams right into my window. I mean it was like sleeping at the end of an airport runway. So my blinds needed some help. Over the next few years, I go through the process of trying out about 50 sets of curtains to block the light. Finally I find something that works. But maybe a little too well. Now when my alarm goes off at 5:00 (and 5:30…and 6:00…and 6:30….), I wake up to a room that’s black as the bottom of a coal mine.

And it’s almost impossible to get up. If it weren’t for the fact that I like the occasional paycheck, I probably wouldn’t even bother. But I had decided, after reading some confirming research, that my brain gets confused without any light in the morning and does everything it can to stay in “sleep” mode. Thus. . .the Sunrise Clock.

The Sunrise Clock doesn’t just wake up you with optional beeping. It wakes you up with gradual light, supposedly simulating the rising sun. (I held my face over it for 30 minutes, but I cannot report a tan. Of course I could hold my face over a blow torch and still not report a tan.) To me this little (or kinda big actually) gadget makes perfect sense. At least until I can afford remote control blackout blinds set on a timer as seen in Cameron Diaz’s house in the movie The Holiday.

So this morning is the Sunrise Clock’s debut. At 5:30 the light slowly comes on. And it gets a little brighter over the course of next 30 minutes. At least I think it did. I wouldn’t know. Because you know how you sleep through your fancy new Sunrise Clock? You pull the covers over your head. No more light!  So yeah, back to the drawing board.

What is your wake-up routine?  Mine is to hit snooze on my radio alarm for a solid hour. And I never get up during a song. That’s just rude and disrespectful to the artist. I wait until I hear the news. Then the weather. Then three more songs. Then some DJ banter. And I don’t roll out of bed until:
1. A commercial for Wild Harry’s Used Cars
2. My cat barfs on something
3. a song comes on that uses the words “I didn’t see that semi coming.”
It’s my system. And it works. Sorta.

Would love to hear your morning routine. Surely someone’s has to be worse than mine.

JEN