For Will’s Eyes Only
Dear Prince William,
I am so, so sorry to hear of your recent breakup with Kate Middleton. I applaud you for dating someone who's middle class. Middle class has a lot to offer.
Like me.
I do believe I would be the perfect Mrs. William…um…of Wales? Mrs. William Future King of England? Mrs. William Son of Man with Big Ears?
I know there would be a small age difference.
But I'm willing to overlook it.
We'd be perfect.
I don't cook. You have an entire kitchen staff.
I don't clean. Helllewww, maids and butlers all over the place at your house!
You like to buy people gifts. I like to GET gifts!
You like to stay out of the public eye. Me, too! I have successfully managed to NEVER get my picture in the Enquirer, Star, or Girls Gone Wild.
We have other things in common, as well.
You like children. Perfect! I'm a teacher. I have 150 kids you can HAVE! FREE!
I've noticed your cheeks get pink when helping starving, underpriveledged children in the cold. Mine, too. Er, when I'm out in the cold, that is. Going through the McDonald's drive-thru.
May I be so bold as to assume you like water? Well, guess what, big boy? ME TOO!!!!
And they say you marry those like your family. Well, I, too, have the occassional lack of fashion sense, so your grandmother and I would get along famously!
Give it some thought, Will. I understand you're still reeling from the split. But know that I'm totally willing to quit my job, enjoy the first class ticket to London you'd buy me, and devote my hours to being your rebound girlfriend. And if that doesn't scream, “We have a future!” then I don't know what does.
Off to make some tea and scones…
