For Will’s Eyes Only
Dear Prince William,
I am so, so sorry to hear of your recent breakup with Kate Middleton. I applaud you for dating someone who's middle class. Middle class has a lot to offer.
I do believe I would be the perfect Mrs. William…um…of Wales? Mrs. William Future King of England? Mrs. William Son of Man with Big Ears?
I know there would be a small age difference.
But I'm willing to overlook it.
We'd be perfect.
I don't cook. You have an entire kitchen staff.
I don't clean. Helllewww, maids and butlers all over the place at your house!
You like to buy people gifts. I like to GET gifts!
You like to stay out of the public eye. Me, too! I have successfully managed to NEVER get my picture in the Enquirer, Star, or Girls Gone Wild.
We have other things in common, as well.
You like children. Perfect! I'm a teacher. I have 150 kids you can HAVE! FREE!
I've noticed your cheeks get pink when helping starving, underpriveledged children in the cold. Mine, too. Er, when I'm out in the cold, that is. Going through the McDonald's drive-thru.
May I be so bold as to assume you like water? Well, guess what, big boy? ME TOO!!!!
And they say you marry those like your family. Well, I, too, have the occassional lack of fashion sense, so your grandmother and I would get along famously!
Give it some thought, Will. I understand you're still reeling from the split. But know that I'm totally willing to quit my job, enjoy the first class ticket to London you'd buy me, and devote my hours to being your rebound girlfriend. And if that doesn't scream, “We have a future!” then I don't know what does.
Off to make some tea and scones…
STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN you shameless hussy you!!! We’ve already talked…and I am the one he wants…not you. Just like with Mr. Tomlin…ever heard that song from Grease…”You’re the one that I want?” That’s what they hear when they think of me, babe, so you better just back off and stick to your book writing…which by the way, you are INCREDIBLE at! Yeah, you stick with being an author and I’ll get all the hot guys…but thanks for being so willing to help in their time of need…I got it covered though! By the way, did you get up this morning!!!???? 🙂