Hand Me A Diet Coke and Nobody Gets Hurt

How Do You Know When You're Addicted to Diet Coke?

When you are out.
You've double, triple checked the fridge.
Yup, I'm out.
Open fridge door again to see if:
A. An empty fridge was just a bad dream.
B. Diet Coke has magically appeared since the last peek.
God had mercy and delivered my manna

No Diet Coke.

Next option. Thinking! Thinking!

The store, three miles down the road is too far. Sonic? I'd have to wait. Those car hops have no sense of urgency.

So I get in the car and drive to the nearest golf course. Park across the street. Sprint across said street, scaring squirrels and other woodland creatures playing in the road. (Think to yourself: Huh. Why is it I'm only capable of running fast when I need food, throat burning drink, or my body is on fire?)

Toss change into vending machine. Change that I spent five minutes collecting from various sources: the couch, the car, the neighbor kid.

Change spits right back out.

No! I try again.

Change goes in.

And falls out.

Run back across the street to car. Yelling. Scare old lady golfer in high waisted shorts. But don't care because frankly her outfit and fashion violations scare me too.

Yell some more.

Rummage through purse for a dollar bill.

Find a ten.

Sob for twenty seconds.

Press my face against car window, pleading with my eyes at every passing car to have mercy on me.

Merciless heathens pay me no mind and mock me with their refusal to make eye contact.

Take one last look through purse.

And the heavens open up.

The angels sing.

My heart begins to beat again.

Because there, in the last place it should've been, next to the measuring tape and half of a two week old Snickers, is a crisp, beautiful dollar bill.

And that, my friends, is what I call a great Saturday.

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 9 comments
Salle - May 20, 2007

Tell me this is NOT a true story…:) you could have totally made it to sonic and back in the time all that took place…haha. You crack me up!

Anonymous - May 21, 2007

you are out of your ever lovin mind. you need therapy.

Rhonda Sanasac - May 21, 2007

Hello? Do you people know Jennifer? This is her daily life. Yes, it’s true. Why do you think her cats act the way they do? They emulate their mom.

Jenny B. Jones - May 21, 2007

Y’all are just being cruel! I have been SOOO good avoiding Diet Coke lately. I had a moment of weakness, and I deserve some respect! Some support! With friends like you, it’s no wonder I fell off the wagon.

And Miller wanted to tell you that he resents your comment, Rhonda. He’d tell you himself, but he’s eating a bug.

Anonymous - May 22, 2007

you are a loooooooser!

Jenny B. Jones - May 22, 2007

I know–I caved today and had a Diet Dr. Pepper. Ah, the struggle of it all. Okay, it was only 1/4 of one. I can be proud of that, right? To compensate though, I ate 3/4 of a candy bar…

Anonymous - June 8, 2007

Merciless heathens pay me no mind and mock me with their refusal to make eye contact BWAAHAAAAAAAA!!!
Isnt that excatly how you treated that weird girl who talked to the salt shakers… refulas to make eye contact…
Excellent sentence btw… be sure to use it again.
-your heathen friend (who hasn’t talked to a salt shaker in ages)

natalie - October 14, 2010

That sounds just like my mom! haha (only she would have just sent my Dad to Walmart)

Cara Putman - October 16, 2010

Love it! And can so see you doing that or using it in a book 🙂


Leave a Reply: