On Bloomers and Sudafed

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So I got a little run down last week by pulling one working all-nighter, missing sleep here and there, and eating some DCF. (deadline crap food)  Anyway, by Friday afternoon, my body said, “No mas!” I felt okay Friday morning, but I could tell Friday afternoon something was really off. Sadly it involved a near-meltdown over undies.

This is going to be one of those TMI blogs for some of you, esp the gents in the room. All two of you. But I don't care. My story must be told. Perhaps it can help others. Perhaps it can inspire someone and help them carry on.

So this week I get some Kohls coupons. I send my mom the following email:
I got a 20 percent off coupon at Kohls. If you combine that with your $10 off any $25 intimate purchase, it's a total panty savings bonanza.

Friday morning I'm fine. Up since 4:30, running on just a few hours of sleep and the baked goods from my students' speeches, I'm doing good. (Did I mention a kid threw up in my class last Wednesday? Y'all, I have OVERCOME this week…) Anyway, it's now 1pm, and I'm at Kohls. I've just spent THIRTY MINUTES digging through the best underwear ever created for short girls and those allergic to wedgies. And I'm a little put out because my favorite skivvies have somehow, like gasoline, doubled in price. And I'm hurt. And I'm confused. And I don't know who to blame, but I decide it's Libya and Britney Spears. Anyway, I admit the purchase is still worth it, ESPECIALLY with my handful of coupons.

I go check out and the girl says, “You can't use these two discounts together.” I nicely tell her she's wrong as they were sent together. The coupons don't want to be separated, they belong together in all their deep savings glory. So she clickity clacks some keys on her register and things just go down from there, including me doing math in my head and trying to explain division to her. And I can feel my underwear saying, “We're just not meant to be.” And I can feel my couch calling my name. I'm suddenly so freakin' tired, mentally reviewing my undergarment collection as well as the growing line of customers. And I feel myself getting mad. Irrationally mad. I want those drawers. And I want my discount. And I want this girl to stop talking gibberish and do some basic math and realize she's making no sense, and is it hot in here or is it just me and my panties?

I finally say, “Let's just forget it.” And I nicely, super nicely tell her to just delete the order. I smile and speak with kindness, but inside my head I'm leaping across the counter, grabbing the girl by her cheap Kohls necklace and plugging in my discount with her face. And my cheeks are getting red. I can feel it. And irrational, discount underwear loving anger is bubbling up quick, and I hear a voice in my head say, “Get out. Get out of here. You ain't right. Remove yourself from all contact with people. . .but maybe first stop by Sonic and get us a tea.”  So I assure the clerk we're good, and walk away. Without my knickers.

I go home, hit the couch, and when I wake up almost 2 hours later, realizing I'd skipped lunch and didn't even care, I know things are not cool.
So yeah, I was sick. Not Kid Puking In My Classroom Sick, but cruddy sick. Spent Saturday in bed, which never happens. Skipped lunch again. Which also never happens, so I knew I was either really in bad shape or the world was ending. And with the whole Japan thing, it was a total toss up. (Therefore, I needed to watch the Castle two-parter I missed, just in case the world was ending and Heaven didn't have Hulu.)

I never get sick. Even though I was sick six months ago. I have no idea why it's occurring so frequently lately, but so are earthquakes in Arkansas. And both phenoms have to be connected. That and the dead fish.

The moral to this story is… I don't like Wal-Mart underwear.
The End.

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 14 comments
Jennie - March 14, 2011

Feel better! It stinks to be sick with out fancy new skivvies to help the stress of it all! I have not watched all fo the Castle 2 parter yet either. But I have heard that it is epic.

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Natalie - March 14, 2011

I have had this problem at Kohls! And it was for a particular type of undergarmet that makes it look as though I actually have stuff up top. Therefore, this item is very necessary to my happiness. Not only did I have a.) a rocking coupon but b.) the one I wanted was half-off. So I took it up and she swore that brand wasn’t half-off. I could have just used the coupon I suppose … but I was frustrated. I ended up, nicely, telling her nevermind. I’ve never quite gotten over it. They are weird about their coupons and special offers. The fine print is like novel-length.

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Mary - March 14, 2011

Girl… this post just makes me want to go to Kohl’s and use multiple coupons, but I don’t think I have your self-control.
Feel better and stop with the all-nighters and the DCF!

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Mary - March 14, 2011

ooh wait, that comment made me sound like your mother…. okay, write faster and keep up the all-nighters and I’ll deliver the DCF to your door….

Whew — now I feel better

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Evangeline Denmark - March 14, 2011

You are so wise not to like Wal-Mart underwear. My New Year’s resolution this year was to stop buying cheap underwear. I don’t know how Wal-Mart manages to make their stuff look all nice and supportive on the rack and then you get it home and somehow you’ve bought granny panties and a bra that needs to read The Purpose-Driven Life.
Way to be strong and hold out for quality lingerie.
Oh, and hope you feel better soon.

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Suzanne Schaffer - March 14, 2011

I am over 2 years Wal-Mart free. Target has nice undies. *cough* so does *cough* Kohl’s LOL

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Abby Minard - March 14, 2011

Omg, I thought kohls bragged about their coupons and how they’ll take anything and all that. LIke, I always hear commercials with them complaining about the fine print on coupons for other stores, and boasting about their awesome deals and whatnot. You should have gotten the discounts for having to dig through piles of underwear too.

Hope you feel better soon!

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ashleynashville3 - March 14, 2011

oh jenny, sllow me to one up your story, with a story that’s not even my own. And go:
One of my best friend’s worked at Target when we were in high-school. One day she was assigned the Customer Service desk. A lady walks up to the desk completely flustered and dumps a bra on the counter. My friend just looks at her and blinks, because not only is this not a Target bra, this bra has clearly been worn…a lot. The lady tries to return and my friend politely tells her they cannot accept returns on underwear that does not have a tag on it. Or anything without a tag on it. This lady goes into a huge speech on how she is the customer and she is always right. My friend smiles, takes a deep breath and says “Ma’am perhaps this isn’t the bra you meant to return. It looks worn. So sorry.” And the lady takes the bra and LAUNCHES it on to my friend’s face (where it sticks) and yells, “Well F YOU!” but said the entire f word.

ahaha!

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Jennifer - March 14, 2011

After a long work day, I needed a chuckle, so immediately I thought of your blog. I actually laughed out loud a few times reading this. I’m sure the guy is the next cube wants to know what is so funny, but I’m not willing to read this out loud to him….especially since I work at a Christian radio station…just never know when things will be recorded and put on the air!

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Allie Smith - March 14, 2011

omw,thats hilarious!ya know,i think the Big G has these situations come up in your life so that you can post them on your blog and make your followers laugh.thats my theory anyway…
sorry your sick,i hope you feel better!!!i’ll be prayin for you!!!

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Amy - March 14, 2011

I hope you feel better.

I get my underwear at Walmart. 🙂

At our Kohl’s they totally would have given you the discount, but the cost of traveling to Pennsylvania would probably make your discount less than worthwhile. But we could go to Sonic and get tea–that’s almost worth it. Almost. 🙂

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Erin McFarland - March 14, 2011

If i only have time to do one blog on the reader, yours wins no contest…and this post proves why…skivvies, DCF, Britney, kid-puke, Kohls, Sonic, Hulu, and a mention even to Wal-Mart. Love it! 🙂

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Patti Hess - March 15, 2011

I love this post!!! Sorry you got sick and all that happened to you!! Hope you are feeling better….you should some how make this into a book 🙂 j/k j/k…..Take care and smile 😉

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shabbygeek - March 16, 2011

I love how 80% of your posts make me laugh to the point of crying. And I can’t help but imagine the rainbow-colored underwear scene in STD when you wrote about your Kohl’s adventure!

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