Wedding Bells are Ringing


Wow, the Brandon Heath topic was a hot one. I had no idea the guy had so many loyal (read: obsessive and proprietary) fans!  Amy, who has interviewed BH, says we need to start BHFCC–the Brandon Heath Fake Crush Club. Reagan pointed me to my new BH favorite song, “London”. It's seriously good. Though it makes me glad BH is just a fake crush because the song says he gets horribly turned around and is terrible with directions. I get lost in my hometown on a regular basis. You can't put two of those types together. Author Liz Johnson all but challenged me to a duel (pistols at dawn, we'll be needing seconds.) and Jeannie Campbell has offered all of us in the BHFCC club counseling. I don't need it, Jeannie. . .but they do.

This weekend I went to a good friend's wedding. Above is a pic of friends Lizann, Kim, and Leslie. I'm the short girl who decided to class up the joint with a ponytail. Anyway, like many of you, I've been to a lotttttt of weddings over the years. It's given me plenty of time to think about how weddings need to change, to get with the 21st century and be more user friendly. Here are some tips I came up with Saturday while the happy couple was lighting the unity candle.

1. Hot dog and Coke vendors. Sure, we usually get snacks after the wedding, but why not during? We need those guys who strap on a box around their neck and go through the crowds and sell hot dogs for three bucks and iced cold Dr. Pepper. No, sir, I don't need mustard. I don't want to sully my dress.

2. Sponsors and vendors. I nominate Sonic (great ice!) to be present. Some Chick-Fil-A, with that cow walking around handing out nugget samples. Because nothing says “sacred event” like eating chicken from some dude with gigantic waddling udders. I would totally buy a large drink before going into the church. And I would sit there and drink it super quietly. Until I needed to signal for a refill. And when I got to the cherry in the drink, I totally wouldn't stage a quick stem tying contest. At least not til the first musical solo when we all sit there unsure of where to look anyway.

3. American Idol-like voting on music. There would be a number that's saved for the finale, and we won't know what it is til the end, when the votes are tallied. I'd vote Paradise City by Guns-n-Roses and maybe some Usher. And most definitely some Loretta Lynn. Because girl doesn't get played nearly enough, and I'm not sure why. The politically correct “Your Squaw In On the Warpath Tonight” is so relevant to any sweet union.

4. Group dance by wedding party. At one point in this lovely wedding (truly, one of the nicest weddings I've been to), but at one point, the entire wedding party gathered around the couple, forming a circle around them, arms extended toward them and prayed. The prayers didn't start immediately, so there they were in circular formation, all arms pointed toward the center. And I lean over to my friend and said, “I would die of happiness if they burst out of that in song and dance. With ribbons.” They didn't. They took the high road instead. (I've heard of that road…)  So the prayer was really touching and profound, but if only they had thrown in some jazz fingers. A tambourine from the best man. Shimmy shakes from the maid-of-honor. A little bit of a letdown.

5. Paying homage to our Jewish ancestors (and to My Big Fat Greek Wedding) by including glass stomping and hoisting the bride and groom on chairs, called the Hora. We don't like to use that word in my church…especially on a girl's wedding day.

6. Themes. Maybe Gladiator Wedding? Little Mermaid? Harry Potter? Dress like your favorite royal? (Queen Mum! Queen Mum!) Favorite cartoon from childhood? (Smurfs!)

7. Wedding Bingo. Sometimes you need a little something to do to keep yourself from talking during the service. . .

8. Queso and chips given to each attendee instead of bubbles.

9. The entire service done in rhyme.

10. Karaoke time. Whitney Houston anyone?

11. Bride and groom must wear their high school prom attire.

12. Rocky Horror Picture Show moments, where on cue, we'd throw toilet paper, fling toast, and break out the water pistols.

13. Eminem officiating. (His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy…)

14. Chocolate fountain at every reception table, and an understanding that when using one, all dining etiquette rules are off.

15. Invite Cirque de Soleil. There's that time in a wedding where someone is singing and the couple has to look at one another for a very long period of time. If we had people in unitards dropping from the ceiling, we'd all have something to gaze upon, and the extended version of “God Bless the Broken Road” would just zip on by.

What about you? Any suggestions for Weddings 2011?


Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 12 comments
Kristin - March 21, 2011

I don’t have any suggestions, because it looks like you’ve got it covered, but I totally vote for the wedding party group dance. That would be one of those things that only happens in musicals that *should* happen in real life. =)

And the thing about “God Bless the Broken Road” made my laugh. A few years ago, we went to several weddings and every single one of them included that song. I like Rascal Flatts, and that song is okay, but good grief.


Jenny - March 21, 2011

Love the wedding bingo idea. It could even be a fundraiser for the couple replacing the need for gifts.

My suggestion – a dress code, a la HRH.
Dress: Your own wedding gown or a bridesmaid gown from a past wedding. Veils and hats optional.

Wearing something only one time seems wasteful in our current economy and greenness. Not to mention I have been looking for some reason to wear my veil again. Hard to believe, but in over 16 years an opportunity has not opened up.

Mary - March 21, 2011

No wedding suggestions — but I do have some news…. Brandon Heath is cruising with me in November. Just us…. and about 2,000 others on the Music Boat. Okay, now that’s a reason for you to sail along!!

Siriana - March 21, 2011

Reading your blog always reminds me why you’re my favorite author!!!
I’ve been sick the last week and while feeling much better today, I still have a bit of a cough…I had to will myself to stop laughing because I wouldn’t stop coughing! But it was worth it!

Amy - March 21, 2011

Oh, man, I thought this “Wedding Bells are Ringing” post was the announcement that Brandon Heath TRULY feel deeply, madly, passionately in love with you and your amazing humor and proposed. Then you had a whirlwind wedding in Vegas and now you were announcing the blessed even. But, no, such luck. Sigh. Yes, I have an overactive imagination. 🙂

BTW, “London” *is* a great song, but my fave is “Red Sky” from BH’s first album.

As for wedding suggestions, I think you really hit them all. I mean, you’d probably have to get David Tutera to plan the event if you want to get Cirque De Soleil, but other than that, you’re golden. 🙂

Erin McFarland - March 21, 2011

As a wedding frequenter myself, I couldn’t agree more! Though the reason I’m usually there is earn a paycheck, a girl does need a little spice to keep things interesting. I think I would give a 50% discount to a bride that could incorporate at least 5 of the 15 items on your list. And a free print for every time jazz hands were used. Or whenever a Loretta Lynn song was played.
This list is $$$… I’m so putting it in a PDF format for my brides.
And ponytails are totally in for weddings…at least here in the desert 🙂 Cute dress too!

ashley - March 21, 2011

some people have said my life is like 27 dresses. i agree. this past weekend at my friends wedding, she hired an 80’s cover band, who in the middle of the reception changed into COSTUMES. Beadle Juice, Karate Kid, Ghostbusters, and on and on.

i highly recommend this.

Kristin Gray - March 21, 2011

Oh man, I knew this post would be good. Didn’t disappoint. Also, Ashely’s comment above is brilliant.

Colene Murphy - March 21, 2011

1, 12, 14, and 6 are my personal favorites! Nom…Is it wrong to want a chocolate fountain in my kitchen?

HopefulLeigh - March 21, 2011

Next wedding I attend, I’m totally going to think of these suggestions and giggle. And next time I’m a bridesmaid, I’m definitely going to make that wedding party group dance happen!

Gina - March 21, 2011

Hot dog vendors could be a step up from some of the wedding receptions I’ve been to! I think I was hoisted on a chair at my wedding reception, though it was sooo long ago, I can’t remember. My only regret is we forgot to do the tarantella!!!

CarolM - March 26, 2011

Went to a wedding once. Okay. I’ve been more than once. But one in particular.

Got to the reception. Whoever did the announcing said “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. [Newlyweds]!”

We all stood and clapped and in walked…

Two Chick-fil-A cows!

A Bryde and Gruum

Complete with veil and everything.

Oh. Yeah. He owned the local Chick-fil-A. But my hubby was in the wedding party and didn’t know about it. It was quiet fun. 😉


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