Now If Only I Could Get Them To Write My Books

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Teaching has always been a tough profession, but it's becoming crazier by the day, with teacher drop outs on the rise. (Half of all teachers quit within their first five years. I think all the money must go to their heads…)  Anyway, with all the junk we see, hear, smell, I think it's definitely the entertainment value of the kids that pushes me along. They're so clever and funny sometimes. Sadly, this has not been a banner year in student ha-ha's, but I still hear a few.

The teen population on Twitter is growing, and a handful of my students (past/present) are on there. There are a couple of girls who crack me up on a regular basis and just need to quit school, get their GEDs, and write full time.  I have stolen some of their tweets completely without their permission in a move bordering on creepy to share with you.

-I am hoping that the federal government shutting down will somehow make the ACT tomorrow be canceled.
-I feel like every girl has some form of an inborn stalker gene.
-Never moon a werewolf.
-I like snow because it sticks to people with beards and it makes me laugh.
-Mom wants me to drive to Wal Mart in my car even though my brakes need replaced. Props on creative ways to kill off her children.
-When life gives you lemons, make sure to take into account that there are at least 28 types of bacteria on them.

Most of you know I ask a “question of the day” to my students when I call roll. It's very 1980, and in fact, one of my fourth grade teachers, Mrs. Naekel, used the same procedure. My excuse for this time consuming task is that I teach communication and this is a listening/speaking activity. My kids have yet to get the listening part down. (Another listening activity…Last week the question was “what's a song on the radio you can't stand?” and so many of them said “Friday” by Rebecca Black. So I cranked it up loud and made them listen to it during class, completely ruining my chances for being their favorite teacher of the year.) (Note: this meanness only backfired on me because I hummed the dang song ALL FLIPPING DAY.)

Anyway, here are some recent question of the day comments.

Me: What is something you're an expert at?
Student 1: Failing biology
Me: Margo…oh, Margo's not here.
Student 2, answering for Margo: In school suspension
Student 3: She must be really good at that.
Student 4: I don't know what I'm an expert at.
Student next to student 4: (whispers) Say ladies!
Student 5: Playing Quidditch
Student 6: I am an expert at making people feel good about themselves. By the way, Ms. Jones, nice hair today.

Question: What character would you want to be?
Student 1: Dr. Doom. . . because he spreads doom.
Student 2: Morgan Freeman as God in Bruce Almighty. Cause it would be cool to be God.
Student 3: And you'd have a really good voice.

Question: What are you going to be for Halloween?
Marco: A Mexican Justin Bieber

Question: Favorite teacher from elementary or middle school?
Student 1: Mr. Minor. Because he was a big leprechaun.
Student 2: Didn't he wear a man purse?
Student 3: No. It was a European shoulder bag.

Question: What is something that makes you smile?
Student 1: Bad dancers
Student 2: Pizza
Student 3: TV
Student 4: Candy!
Student 5: Death.

Question: If you could be anyone for a day, who would you pick?
Student 1: Justin Bieber's mother.
Me: Why?
Student 1: So I could beat the crap out of him.
Student 2: Lady GaGa
Student 2: She has low self-esteem.
Student 1: She was born that way.

Question: What's something you want to accomplish before you're 30?
Student 1:I want to start a family.
Student 2: I want to get my PhD.
Student 3: I'd like to own my own home.
Student 4: I want to shoot a fake Santa in the foot.

Random student quote after getting a zero. “Ms. Jones, now that you didn't give me that 30 points, my dad's gonna make me sleep outside again. And I'll have to eat cat food. The neighbor's cat food. And it's not even the good kind. (insert crying) It's the dry kind!”

“Juan, sit down and quit choking people please.”

Student giving a speech on the value of studying for semester tests. “You'll have more friends.” Rolls eyes. “I dunno, my dad told me to say that. I figured they'd all be nerds. I guess you could also get an award, but who wants those? I got my info from Studying Is Good dot org. . .”

Student raises hand. “Ms. Jones, can I go get two hydrogens and an oxygen?”
Me: “I'm not sure whether you're getting a drink or making a bomb, but my answer is yes.”

Me: John, why do you have a whole box of Pop Tarts?
John: Well, you see, I'm a big boy…”

Me: Okay, so in honor of Max moving, we're going to have a party for him tomorrow, but you can't tell my other classes.
Student 1: We need a code name for the event!
Student 2: I know! How about Taco Burns at Midnight!
Next day, two students bring me a dark, grainy video…of them lighting tacos on fire. At midnight.

Quote from speech on pollution. “In Asia they have the Asian smog cloud. And it's a. . . cloud of smog….covering Asia.

(Overheard) “Liars are friers.”
(Overheard No. 2) “I forgot to change my underwear today.”
(Overheard No. 3) “I'm glowing positivity.”

My friend Lizann teaches elementary, and those poor educators should be earning NBA bucks. When a kid barfed in my class last month, I was telling the story to other teachers, and all my elementary friends were like, “That ain't nothing. I can match your puke stories 50 to one.” Elementary teachers also have completely different types of funny kid stories. Like this one from Lizann's fellow first grade teacher.

A kid we'll call Molly had been taught by her mother to go to another room when she needs to pass gas. So the teacher, Kim, was getting the class ready to read from their book and everyone was in their seat except for Molly, who was standing in the doorway of the back room.  Kim said, “Molly, what are you doing?  Everyone is ready to read in their Apple Book.”
Loudly she answers, “I'm farting.” 
Teacher blinks. “Well, come on and sit down.” 
Molly walks to her desk, but without even sitting down, goes right back toward the back room. 
“Molly,” Kim says. “Where are you going?”
“I'm not done yet.”

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 16 comments
Katie - April 10, 2011

thanks for making me laugh(:

I was babysitting my pastor’s kids last week, and I asked his four year old son what his favorite vegetable was. Silas paused, considered the question, and answered, “Butter.”

Kid knows what he’s talking about.

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Tay - April 10, 2011

I love these posts about you students. Always makes me smile.

I so wish you were my teacher! That would totally make my life!

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Abbigail - April 10, 2011

O.K., Tay stole my comment. I was gonna say that! Your students always make me laugh. I wish I was witty, but I guess I’ll stick with the way God made me. 🙂 (That would be, like, totally not witty at all. I’ve had someone truly laugh at something I’ve said about twice in my almost-fourteen-years.) I think I’m planning on blackmailing my parents into moving to your neck of the woods next year, just sos I can be in your class when I’m in high-school!!! Wait, that wouldn’t work right, I’d still be home-schooled. Rats.
-<3-Abbigail

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Kristin - April 11, 2011

Those are hilarious. =)

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Jenny - April 11, 2011

I always enjoy your student quotes. Not sure how the teachers without a sense of humor even begin to handle that age group!

My 5 year old recently told my husband that their story in church was about Jesus healing the leprechauns. Don’t you just love how each time you read a familiar Bible story a new part of it jumps out at you like that?

Praise God for 82 and sunny here yesterday!!

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Colene Murphy - April 11, 2011

Oh man. That’s good stuff! Thanks for the laughs!!

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Gina Conroy - April 11, 2011

Great stuff! Creeping on teen facebook internet quotes on profile pages is a great source of hilarity, though I wouldn’t know that first hand…

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Liv - April 11, 2011

I’ve been helping in Children’s Church one Sunday a month at my church. Yesterday, it was getting pretty loud in there, so I knocked on their little wood table to get their attention. I came up with the quickest easiest question I could think of, Avery, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Her answer didn’t surprise me in the least,
Avery: A princess.
Me: Okay…me too. Ethan, what do you want to be?
Ethan: A prince.
Avery: So you can save the princess!
Me: Alrighty, then. Clint what do you want to be?
Clint: A boy.
Me: Well, you’re doing a good job so far. What about you Corbin?
Corbin(who could not be more of a little boy, if he tried):A princess
Me: Bahahahahahaahhahahahahaha.

Ah, kids say the darndest things, dontcha think?
: )

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Jenny B Jones - April 11, 2011

GREAT kid quotes!
And believe me, for every “neato teacher” story I share, I’m sure my kids could give you 100 “not so neato” more. So don’t think it’s all YouTube and SNL in my classroom. Like, we do work. And stuff.

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jessica - April 12, 2011

My little sister thinks i’m crazy now because i burst out laughing a million times while reading this post. We’re seperated by two doors and a wall, but, i have a very loud laugh as everyone in my family knows all too well. I wish i had a funny kid quote. Hmmmm, let me think… Nope, i got nothin’. By the way, Abbigail, i’m home-schooled too! I’m sure it’s a lot quieter at your house though. I have a little sister and an older sister and a little brother and a noisy dog. Enough said.

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shabbygeek - April 13, 2011

Oh to be a fly on the wall in your classroom. Tears of laughter, seriously.

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Lori - April 14, 2011

Love these, even read some to my teenage kids they were laughing. Hope I did not just give them ideas..opps.

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Annie - April 15, 2011

These were hilarious! It’s always funny to hear what kids say or read what they write – my mom’s a teacher and she shows me some of the crazy things her students write.

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Stephanie - April 17, 2011

Omigosh, Jenny – you totally make me laugh out loud. I’m sitting in a hotel room cuddled with my family reading the stories from your blog. I need to visit your site regularly for smile/laugh therapy. I LOVE your outlook on life – and, of course, your writing, which helps us all share that outlook. Your students and everyone in your life are so blessed!

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Sarah - April 20, 2011

Wow those were just comedy gold right there… seriously!! But one vital question: who would ever dare burn a taco in all its deliciousness?!?! I’m sorry but for me that struck a very sensitive nerve

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Abbigail - April 20, 2011

Jessica, I’m sure it is. All I’ve got is an older brother (not usually noisy), but I do have a noisy dog. He doesn’t realize that he’s spoiled rotten because he has someone home with him all day long! 🙂
-<3-Abbigail

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