My Charmed Life


Last week I made chili.
I don't love chili, but I like it. Especially if my cheese-to-chili ratio is in favor of the cheddar.
It's an easy thing to fix and it's gluten free. But it makes a ton, and I was about to barf on it by Wednesday.

This week.
I had a new recipe for some gluten-free, Paleo/Primal approved beef soup. There are a few ingredients I didn't have, so I go to Wal-Mart. We're classy here, so our Wal-Mart, has liquor. This soup called for red wine. I have no idea what to do with wine because it's all nasty to me, so I call my mom and ask her what I need to get.

“Are you standing in front of a display of the cheap stuff?” she asks.
“I dunno.”
“Are there leaves on the label?”
“That's the cheap stuff.”
I looked. It was three bucks. I was already sold. “Seems okay to me.”
“You're not supposed to cook with a wine you wouldn't drink.”
Well, I think it all tastes like liquified ear wax, so I grab a bottle of the cheap red and carry on.

I spend TWO HOURS in the kitchen over this dang soup.
By the time I get to the wine portion of the recipe, I realize…I don't have a corkscrew.

So I fret about it for 10 minutes. I'm exhausted with the souping, and I just stand in my kitchen and occasionally close my eyes, then reopen, waiting for a corkscrew to materialize. Or a pizza delivery guy.
Neither happens.

Then I have a brilliant thought. “Google exists!”
I do a quick search, print off my instructions, then go to my tool box.
I grab a hammer, a 2 inch screw, and a screwdriver.
I move the cats to safety, put on my imaginary hazard goggles, and go to work. Five minutes later, I had the thing uncorked. I felt kinda smart. Like I almost called Mensa and asked to speak to MacGyver.

So I pour the stuff in, let it boil or simmer or whatnot.
Later, I try the soup.
It tasted like liquified earwax.

So I made more chili.

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 7 comments
Raj Paulus - October 21, 2011

Reminded me of the time a friend came over and wanted to taste the free bottle that had been collecting dust since last Christmas. He opened our first bottle of red wine with two fondue sticks [yes, the cork fell in] after which we painfully washed it down with a block of cheese while staring at the red dots on our ceiling! Think about that memorable day each time we sit in our kitchen and look up. Now we regift every bottle and there’s more room on my top shelf! 🙂

Jenny - October 21, 2011

Liquified ear wax. That is a disgusting descriptive phrase. Well done.

Allie Smith - October 21, 2011

ok well I will so totally not be tryin wine anytime soon… thanks for the warning,jenny!

Olivia - October 23, 2011

Liquified ear wax……you made my day. 🙂

capillya - October 23, 2011

I think my favorite part of this post was the fact that you used “souping” as a verb.

bookwyrm14 - October 24, 2011

Wow, Jenny. Wow.

I have no words.

Danica - October 29, 2011

I’m just impressed that you’ve tried liquified earwax so you have the comparison.


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