Tweet RoundUp

Miss out on some funny Tweets this month?
Fear not.
I have hunted and gathered for us all.

Snooki is expecting her baby on December 21, 2012. The Mayans knew. @FillWerrel

You know you live in the south when the weather people are saying “As you prepare, be sure to put shoes in your safe place.” @Shandalier

Dear family, I apologize for the crime against your taste buds known as baked cheetos. Mommy promises to give you trans fats soon. @danicafavorite

Twitter: not to be confused with your diary. (Sydney 1, former student)

As a general rule, the people who wear sweatpants in public are either willing to kill you or willing to die for you. @Randazzoj

It's not that I'm crazy it's just that I've spent all afternoon drilling a hole in my new journal and fitting it with a padlock. (Sydney 1)

For Lent I gave up my New Years Resolution. (Elliott, former student)

In a cab on the way to Google headquarters. Driver is lost & asking directions. If only there were some sort of online map… @MoRocca

Rick Astley struggles with Lent. @RickWarren

“The Scream” is really just a Norwegian Expressionist take on the Home Alone poster. @MoRocca

Seriously considering having Mondays moved to later in the week. @Queen_UK

Judging by covers for YA dystopians, only things that will survive the apocalypse are hair product and prom dresses. @DanFriedman81

Singing at the top of my lungs while I'm home alone is fun until I realize that I am not home alone… #awk (Sydney 1)

My dog definitely just peed on my grandmas care taker… (Emily, former student)

Dad just informed me that he is waking me up by dumping ice water on me tomorrow. Don't mind me if you see me running away from home! (Courtney, former student)

The Mrs & I spent some time this weekend playing “Just Dance 3” or as we now refer to it in my house, the “You Two Aren't 24 Anymore” game. @McGarveyExecEd

I wish Jay-Z and Beyonce would get on stage and present their baby to the world like in the Lion King. @Seth__Rogen

I dislike passive-aggressive status messages. You know who I'm talking about. @LazyChristian

I have the most complete collection of porcelain German figurines in Düsseldorf. #hummelbrag @davebarnesmusic

Someone needs to open a Japanese wine bar called For Heaven's Sake! @MoRocca

Human history, abridged: 1.6 million years and then, bam, cake pops. @badbanana

Yes, I like haikus,
But not as much as puppies;
Haikus don't snuggle.
–former student Allie

My biological father has a Facebook album dedicated to his planking. I don't think I've ever been this ashamed. (Megan, former student)

Ask to be my prom date within the next five minutes and you get a free egg slicer! Plus shipping and handling. @KaylaThePope

If Joan Rivers and Jack Sparrow ever had a love child, I'm pretty sure it would look like Steven Tyler. (Ashley, former not-quite-my-student)

Have a great weekend!

Rhoda - March 9, 2012

Loved them ALL! My fav: Human history, abridged: 1.6 million years and then, bam, cake pops. @badbanana

Suzanne Schaffer - March 9, 2012

Loved them!
My FB friend’s status update last night cracked me up & I think you’d like it: “The difference between leaving one’s teenage daughter in charge for a couple of hours and leaving one’s teenage son in charge for a couple of hours: when the daughter’s in charge, you come home to fed children, a swept kitchen, and clean dishes in the sink. When the son’s in charge, you come home to find that the kids put Nair (which the teenage daughter apparently left in the bathroom when she went off to college) on the cat’s tail. If I’m lying, I’m dying.”

Jenny - March 9, 2012

I didn’t know we could do that. Putting it on my 2013 calendar now 🙂

jada-renee AKA cookie703 - March 9, 2012

i didnt know either. anyway, my favorite is: “Ask to be my prom date within the next five minutes and you get a free egg slicer! Plus shipping and handling.” hilirious.i just might make the same offer when its my turn. at least i know when Jesus comes get me my prom dress will survive. 🙂