How to Prep For A Midnight Movie Release
Raise your switchblade if you're going to the midnight premiere of Hunger Games!
Movies that begin at the witching and sleeping hour of 12:00 in the anti-meridium. They're not for everyone. Let's discuss ways you might know they are not your bucket of popcorn.
1. The closing credits of American Idol are your signal to get some shut eye.
2. You would gripe about the offensive content on TV after 9:00 p.m., but you've never seen it.
3. Like Kim Kardashian, you require 12 hours of sleep else you look puffy and make bad dating choices.
4. You have an important job to go to later in the morning, a job that requires extreme mental clarity and precision like: separating conjoined twins, performing the first squirrel brain transplant, Black Ops, kindergarten teacher.
5. You've heard yourself utter the phrase, “Who would camp out for a movie? In three months I can watch it for a buck at RedBox.”
If you're ready to pack that candy, flash your pre-paid movie ticket, and join the masses, here are some tips for you.
1. Take a big bag. I don't really need to expound on this one, do I? This is a time to get serious about your purse contents, ladies. Shift those priorities and think like a Survivor contestant. Take out anything unnecessary (cell phone, tissue, finger nail file, house keys, inhaler) to make room for the necessary (Mike & Ike's, 44 ounce sweet tea, a whole cheesecake you prepared the day before). Kleenex can go. Just use your sleeve. Lipstick can stay home. I promise you won't run into a John Casablanca's modeling scout. Wallets are too bulky. Slip your driver's license in your bra and some cash in your shoes. You have to free up space for the snacks.
2. Gentlemen, two words: man purse.
3. Purchase snacks from nearby grocery store, drug store, street corner creepy man to stick it to the man, the Movie Food Markup Man. I love my M&M's, but I'm not paying ten bucks for a small box. Some of you might think this is slightly dishonest, but it's actually a public service. If I bring my own, I'm happy to share. But if I had to withdraw from my 401K to get a decent lap-load of goodies, then they are all mine, and if you touch them, you will draw back a nub.
4. Go in packs. It's important that you have people there with you to wait in line with, to talk to to pass the time, to steal their Milk Duds when you've eaten all yours within the first hour.
5. Take dollar bills for bribes. All rules of decency are off during Midnight Showings. Do whatever you have to do to be one of the first to gain entrance to the theater. When we went to see Harry Potter 7.2, they were about to open another screening room, and who did they let in first? Me and the Muggles with me. Why? Because five years ago I had the manager in my class and thankfully had not flunked her. I had known at the time it would come in handy. Call it a holy premonition. Even if she had memories of me that went a little something like, “Was that twelfth detention really necessary?” I had a whole stack of unos ready to do a little mind control, turning those negative thoughts into, “Right this way please.”
These are some friendly tips for your midnight movie watching success. For those of you going to see The Hunger Games, I hope you enjoy the show. And share your JuJu Bees.
May the odds ever be in your favor.