I’ve Lost My Kids
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we first practice to deceive…the produce man.
I am in trouble. A trouble all of my own making.
I've tweeted/FB'd about this, but let me start at the beginning.
I live in a semi-small town. We have a grocery store that is pretty much old school amazing. They carry your groceries out, they speak to you when you come in the door, they still have their own butcher. I love this place. We all do.
When I go in to the produce department, I'm happily bagging my Galas, and Produce Guy will say hello. I say hello. Over the last few years, this conversation has changed a bit. It started going something like this:
Him: “Hello.”
“Hello.”
“Where's the kids? No kids with you today?”
Me: “No, not me. I don't have any of those. Must be thinking of someone else.”
Then he gets embarrassed and flustered and things get kinda weird.
We go by this same script MANY times.
Finally, one day, I've had about all the awkward I can handle. So our conversation goes like this:
Him: Hello!
Me: Hello!
“So you got out without the kids today?”
“Yep.”
We've been having this same conversation for nearly two years. A few months ago, my mom came in the store with me, and Produce Man and I went through the rigamarole again, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw her do a double-take. Later I pulled her aside. “I have kids.”
“That's what I hear.”
So now when I go in, Produce Man is taking it to a new level. He's asking specific questions. This was our conversation last week:
Him: Hello.
Me: Hello.
Him: No kids today?
Me: Nah
Him: Where are they?
Me: *blink* *awkward pause*
Him: Are they at home?
Me: Uh-huh.
Him: Husband keeping them?
Me: …….(contemplating a crack about kids in the trunk…) Yes.
Him: So you got out of the house without them. Usually I see you with a trail of kids behind you. How'd you manage a break?
Me: Just lucky I guess. See ya! *grabs Galas and runs to the bacon section.*
I'm at that point where Produce Man is looking at me funny.
And there's a tone. A tone that says, “Something doesn't smell right here. And it's not the guava.”
So I need to come up with an excuse next time he questions me. Reasons why I do not have the children with me. Here are some options.
1. I lost them in a custody case. Turns out it's not good to feed them ice cream 3 meals a day.
2. The six-year old twins wanted to join the circus. Who was I to stand in the way of their dreams?
3. Something leaped out of the TV and grabbed them. Due to slow reflexes, I wasn't able to stop it. Maybe if I contribute to PBS, they'll return.
4. They're now old enough to stay at home by themselves. Ryan Reynolds, Jr, is now a strapping four-years old.
5. They're allergic to produce.
6. They're in the freezer section playing Jenga with the Cool-Whips.
7. “I lost them in the food court a few weeks ago. Do you think I should've reported that?”
8. Times are hard. I sold them on ebay. Well, I sold Ryan Reynolds, Jr. on ebay. Little Gaga and Baby Minaj are sitting on my front porch holding a sign that says, “FREE!” and waiting for their Craig's List pickup.
9. They're all in college now. Three kids under four at Princeton is pretty pricey, but when you birth prodigies, you do what you gotta do.
10. I sent them to the Duggar's to live. That was two months ago, and so far Michelle and Jim Bob haven't noticed.
Let this be my public service announcement on the dangers of lying. It starts out a harmless little “Uh-huh,” then next thing you know, I'm creating kindergarten graduation announcements and baby scrapbooks to share with the man who sells me apples.
Anyone want to send me a few jpgs of your kids?
Have a great weekend. ; )
