I Don’t Eat Green Things

ice cream

It’s like Health Food D-Day around here. D being D-I-E-T.

My doctor has put me on a 30 day strict diet. No sugar, no wheat, no flour, no yeast, no vinegar, no nothing.  Just meat. Vegatables. Water. I’ll spare you the why’s of it all, but he swears when I’m done I’ll be a new woman. Can’t I keep my cheeseburgers and ice cream and be a half-way improved woman?

Anyway, it’s gonna be tough. I would appreciate any prayer on my behalf. I am not strong in the will power department. And as for Christmas day? Well, forget it. That’s a guaranteed cheat day. Why pretend otherwise? I don’t think baby Jesus would want it any other way.

So I’ve been trying to mentally prepare for this 30 day sojourn into tasteless and healthy. I’ve been stopping by some of my favorite fast food restaurants and having my last meal (s). Yesterday morning I went to McDonald’s for breakfast. I choked up a bit at the window. “You won’t see me for a while. I just wanted to say….goodbye. Be strong without me. ” And then my Egg McMuffin and I spent some quality time together on the interstate weaving in and out of slow drivers in the passing lane.  I said, “Egg McMuffin, I want to tell you and your brother Sausage Burrito (hold the salsa) that just because I have to go away for a little while doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I’ll think of you often. And though you are nine minutes and seventeen seconds away, you’ll never be far from my heart.” And then we sang Precious Memories. (Okay, no we didn’t. I sang that Paparazzi song by Lady GaGa, but I only hummed the chorus because you can’t sing P words with a mouth full of egg and muffin.)

I have no idea what I’m going to eat today. I’m already stressed about it. Breakfast isn’t that hard. But lunch and dinner? Ugh. What is the point? This would be much easier if I liked vegetables. But unless they’re covered in Ranch or something in the color scheme of Nacho, I do not. What I like is Ben and Jerry’s, but that’s not on the acceptable foods list. Pretty much nothing is.

So gimme some tips, friends. What is your favorite healthy thing to eat? Mine is a salad, but salad dressing is on my no list. I also like homemade sweet potato fries–which are healthy. (Not the store bought kind or the kind you get at restaurants with that stuff like donut glaze on them.)  Do green beans make your heart flutter? Maybe beets (gag) inspire you to poetic haikus. Or perhaps tofu makes you weak in the knees? Let me hear what your favorite healthy thing to eat is. And first one who gets cute and mentions ice cream will get a character named in their honor in a future book. A mean, snaggle-toothed, cellulite-ridden, character who spits when he/she talks and smells like pickles.

Have a great rest of the week.

Yours in healthy misery,



  1. Jenn says

    I feel your pain!! Due to food allergies, I can honestly say been there, done that. Not to make it sound worse, but you’ll actually start to feel better in a couple weeks or less-though the craving is worst in the first week:) Favorite healthy food would be romaine lettuce or baked sweet potatos. Praying for the healthiness of you

  2. Heather says

    I’m so very sorry! My heart (and my stomach) go out to you! My favorite healthy thing to eat is grilled salmon or chicken with vegetables. Not all that exciting, but it’s really good and makes you forget that you’re being healthy. I like butter with mine, but since I doubt you can eat butter, I’d say to use the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray (if that’s allowed). Good luck my friend. I’ll try not to eat around you for at least 30 days…or maybe I should actually join you…might do me some good!

  3. Tammy says

    How horrible!! I would die if I couldnt have my chocolate fix!
    But if I had to choose on what healthy food to eat it wouldve brocolie, those little green trees can be pretty tasty!!

    Stay strong!!!!

  4. Laura G. says

    I’ve gotten pretty attached to steamed broccoli since I’ve recently been eating more veggies…good luck!

  5. Natalie says

    Jen, I’ve been eating healthier over the past 12 months. I can share some recipes with you. Will send to your email. :)


  6. Jenny B. Jones says

    Jenn, I love baked sweet potoatoes. It’s a new veggie for me. But sadly for the next month I can’t have potatoes either. LAME!

    Heather, I am gonna branch out and try salmon. In the past I haven’t enjoyed it, but I’m gonna try again. I”m a tilapia girl myself.

    Tammy, my little nephew used to call broccoli trees. : ) Exactly what they look like.

    Laura, steaming is the way to go. Great tip.

    Natalie, you’re my role model! Thanks for any recipes.

  7. says

    My mom keeps telling me I did to cut out wheat in my diet-UGH!

    I hated veggies as a kid, and then in college I was a vegetarian for awhile-I still don’t really care for red meat, but I will eat chicken now. I like green beans and spinach mostly. And Hominey is the only kind of corn I eat-it’s good if you don’t like corn. I started liking veggies because I ate veggie lasagna-I don’t know if you could make that, but it’s yummy. Steamed veggies are the way to go.

    Also, I don’t know if you can have these, but True North makes really good nut crackers (sounds weird, but the cranberry ones are yummy-it’s like Christmas!) that I really like as snacks at work.

  8. says

    You might try juicing. But if you can’t have any fruit, it might not be so palatable. Steamed broccoli, carrots (can you have carrots?), and cauliflower are good together. Try salad with lots of different kinds of lettuce. They actually have different tastes. Then throw in different fresh veggies to shake things up a bit to make them different. But I hear what you’re saying ….. boring! Why is it that some things that taste SO good are SO bad for us? Bummer!

  9. says

    I can totally relate to what you’re going through. I had to go on this diet too, and really should be on it all the time. About 10 years ago I gave up sugar. Ouch. And white flour. Big Ouch. But I never could bring myself to eat avocado or broccoli–which were on my “eat these” list. The yeast and vinegar were easier. Lemon was a good substitute for vinegar and I like flat bread. Eventually I was able to eat flour again, but never went back to sugar. You will feel better after you’re been on it for 30 days. I’ll be praying for you, Jenny!

  10. Hannah says

    Ah, groan! I know what you mean. Couldn’t your doctor have had a little grace and waited until January? That’s when all diets reach their heights anyway.

    Avocados are good — as long as you can spread them on a steak, or salmon, or the like. I loooove sweet potatoes; home made SP fries are good. I have a thing for squash sauteed in olive oil with garlic. Major yum. And baked onions are good if you have something with it. (Meat’ll work.) Will be praying for you!

  11. lorilie says

    Its not the whole food thing that bothers me so much… ok it does… well for me its the excerising of a get-fit sorta thing. :)

    well i read just between you and me.
    i loved it. if i ever become a movie maker person- id make a movie of it, i’d be rich, you’d be rich….

    but reality is, i dont think im going to be a movie maker person.

    LOL :)

  12. says

    Healthy food? Is that some new fangled thing? Okay, so I actually like lima beans. (Of course they’re better with tons of butter and some pepper on ’em, but that may not be an option for you.) Good luck and may the force be with you. :)

  13. Caroline says

    Yuck! Healthy food for 30 days!!??!! I’m so sorry!!! I have a diabetic friend in my class at school and we made food for math class (like to study fractions) and this is what I made: Chicken Tortilla Roll-Ups
    -1 package light cream cheese,softened
    -1/4 cup light mayo (I don’t like the mayonaise but you may)
    – 2 tablespoons mustard (optional)
    – 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
    – 6 flour tortialls
    – 2 cups finely chopped cooked chicken
    – 1 1/2 cups shredded or finely chopped carrot
    – 1 1/2 cups finely chopped green bell pepper

    1. Combine cream cheese, mayo, mustard and black pepper in bowl; stir until blended

    2. Spread cream cheese mixture evenly onto each tortilla leaving 1/2 inch border. Divide chicken, if desired, carrot and bell pepper evenly over cream cheese leaving 1 1/2 inch border on cream cheese mixture at one end of each tortilla.

    3. Roll up each tortilla jelly-roll style. Refrigerate until served. Cut each roll into 1 1/2 inch thick slices.


  14. Cara says

    Wow, that’s harsh. Stay strong!

    One of my favorite veggie dishes is cooking green beans with mushrooms and olives. SO GOOD. Also, grilled asparagus, with a little olive oil, salt, and pepper, is so much better than steamed! Tons of flavor in it :)

  15. Sam Harris says

    Carrots. Thats about the only veggie I like. Also I like pickled Okra, but I doubt that with out the pickle juice they’d be very good. 😛
    I feel really bad for you. I had a ginger bread party last night at my house and one of my friends need to drop a pound and a half by the next morning (for his weight to be in the right “class” or whatever you call it for wrestling) so he wasnt able to eat any of the sweet treats surrounding him. It was absolutely so sad to watch. :'( I on the other hand had so much junk that I now want to run the length of my 2 mile neighborhood. OK. No I don’t. I just like to think that I could. Mk, I am incredibly sorry for you Jenny, But there is a lot of healthy and yummy foods out there! Do not give up! You can do it! Resist the temptation!

    REMEMBER: Luke 1:37 “For nothing is impossible with God.” Prayer will be a giant help to you throughout this troubling time my friend. 😉

    Stay strong Jen! Stay strong!

  16. says

    If I’m right in thinking that he mainly wants you off carbs, and that actual calorie/sodium/fat isn’t the issue, then there are a few things you can do.

    I cook chicken breast in a pan with about 1/4-1/2″ water in the bottom, and cover the pan. When it’s cooked, pour out the water and add some red Sofrito. It’s high in sodium, but nummy. You can also cook chicken in cream of mushroom soup, or golden mushroom soup, though I think they both use flour to thicken…

    Also, season steak (a good cut) with Montreal Steak Seasoning, and cook it in a frying pan on the stove, make some home made sweet potato fries (I love them too- and agree that smothering them in sweet stuff actually ruins it), and maybe some fresh cooked green beans.

    I cook green beans, baby carrots, and/or asparagus all the same way. About 1/4″ water in the bottom of a sauce pan, salt and pepper the water, add the veggies, cover and cook on medium until the color brightens (greens will get greener, carrots more orangey), then remove the lid and turn the heat up to high. Hover over the pan, and JUST as the water finishes evaporating, throw in a pat or two of butter, cover, toss, and remove the cover again (otherwise the steam will build up and they’ll end up watery again).

    Also, you can fry parsnips like you would sweet potatoes, but since they’re shaped like carrots, they’re a little awkward to slice that way. You COULD actually take a potato peeler and peel the whole thing and fry the peelings sort of like chips.

  17. Tana says

    I’ll take whatever I can get if it means getting my name in a book.
    snicker 😉
    anyway, a yummy (yes, suprisingly yummy) healthy food is SMOOOOOTHIES. Basically just a bunch fruit and juice, some water and yougurt. you can add a couple baby-peeled carrots and spinach, those two things are tasteless and de-lish. trust me, my picky-twinkie-lover brothers actually LIKE these smoothies. course i prefer sugary slushies, but those are kinda rare here in Healthy-Food-Land.

    ttyl and xoxo

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