I Don’t Eat Green Things

ice cream

It’s like Health Food D-Day around here. D being D-I-E-T.

My doctor has put me on a 30 day strict diet. No sugar, no wheat, no flour, no yeast, no vinegar, no nothing.  Just meat. Vegatables. Water. I’ll spare you the why’s of it all, but he swears when I’m done I’ll be a new woman. Can’t I keep my cheeseburgers and ice cream and be a half-way improved woman?

Anyway, it’s gonna be tough. I would appreciate any prayer on my behalf. I am not strong in the will power department. And as for Christmas day? Well, forget it. That’s a guaranteed cheat day. Why pretend otherwise? I don’t think baby Jesus would want it any other way.

So I’ve been trying to mentally prepare for this 30 day sojourn into tasteless and healthy. I’ve been stopping by some of my favorite fast food restaurants and having my last meal (s). Yesterday morning I went to McDonald’s for breakfast. I choked up a bit at the window. “You won’t see me for a while. I just wanted to say….goodbye. Be strong without me. ” And then my Egg McMuffin and I spent some quality time together on the interstate weaving in and out of slow drivers in the passing lane.  I said, “Egg McMuffin, I want to tell you and your brother Sausage Burrito (hold the salsa) that just because I have to go away for a little while doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I’ll think of you often. And though you are nine minutes and seventeen seconds away, you’ll never be far from my heart.” And then we sang Precious Memories. (Okay, no we didn’t. I sang that Paparazzi song by Lady GaGa, but I only hummed the chorus because you can’t sing P words with a mouth full of egg and muffin.)

I have no idea what I’m going to eat today. I’m already stressed about it. Breakfast isn’t that hard. But lunch and dinner? Ugh. What is the point? This would be much easier if I liked vegetables. But unless they’re covered in Ranch or something in the color scheme of Nacho, I do not. What I like is Ben and Jerry’s, but that’s not on the acceptable foods list. Pretty much nothing is.

So gimme some tips, friends. What is your favorite healthy thing to eat? Mine is a salad, but salad dressing is on my no list. I also like homemade sweet potato fries–which are healthy. (Not the store bought kind or the kind you get at restaurants with that stuff like donut glaze on them.)  Do green beans make your heart flutter? Maybe beets (gag) inspire you to poetic haikus. Or perhaps tofu makes you weak in the knees? Let me hear what your favorite healthy thing to eat is. And first one who gets cute and mentions ice cream will get a character named in their honor in a future book. A mean, snaggle-toothed, cellulite-ridden, character who spits when he/she talks and smells like pickles.

Have a great rest of the week.

Yours in healthy misery,

JEN