Call Me, Glee

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Don't forget this week's contest. You can find details HERE.

For those of you watching Glee, did you see the finale? It was so good. Very little going on in the plot, but so much singing and dancing, I didn't even care. I will miss Sue Sylvester this summer. I like Glee a lot. I think it's improved so much since the first season. Sometimes it's a little too liberal and over the top for me. And sometimes it's a little too unrealistic, especially from a teacher's perspective. Occasionally things happen on there (like every episode) that just aren't possible in a public school. I've come to the realization that they need a consultant. Grey's Anatomy has medical consultants. So Glee, you need some educators on your team. And even though I'm really busy with teaching and writing, if you called, I suppose I could fit in some consulting. I suppose I could be lured away from the glamorous life of a freshman educator in Arkansas to do a little freelancing in L.A. And I would'nt need an entourage or anything. Or a gigantic trailer. A small one would do. With a personal assistant. And a makeup powder puff girl. And I would need a clothing allowance. But anything to keep this show real, right?

To show my good faith effort, I'm going to give Glee some bonus material. Here are a few items that I feel must be addressed. Errors in educational institutions, even fictional ones, are an insult to teachers, administrators, No Child Left Behind, and the remaining original cast of Sesame Street.

1. You don’t yell at your principal. You yell at your co-workers at lunch and hope they pass the message on.

2. Kids don’t raise money for wheel chair ramps. Schools get shut down for not having them.

3. Teachers do not kiss co-workers right in the hall. That’s what broom closets are for.

4. Pianists do not appear out of nowhere. Unless your school is in Vegas. Then maybe.

5. Principals have assistants. You must go through them to get to their offices. And they rule the school. And you want them to like you. No matter how many batches of Tollhouse it takes.

6. White 30-something teachers who break out in spontaneous dance are not revered. They are beaten up after school in the parking lot. At least that’s what I hear.

7. There is a curly-headed teacher mob. And if a Sue Sylvester harassed one of ours on a regular basis about his/her hair, they would deal with her ‘til the stripes fell off her track suit.

8. School clubs are not totally penniless and dependent on the charity of other organizations. Many clubs are positively rolling in the bucks, thanks to selling candy bars, seasonal fruit, Christmas cards, and Daddy’s prescription meds.

9. I don’t care who you are, if Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel the Big Hawaiian Guy doesn’t give you at least a few seconds of peace, you are undeniably dead on the inside.

10. Teachers do not have the power to kick other teachers out of classrooms. But janitors do.

11. You cannot just walk up to a hospital nursery and adopt yourself a baby. If that were true, I would’ve swapped out a few of my 1984 Cabbage Patch Kids a long time ago.

12. High school children…eat lunch.

13. There is not a secret waterfall that churns out endless slushies for teens to throw. Where a kid gets a slushie for seventh hour is beyond me. I usually can’t even find a working water fountain.

14. Inviting one single student to your house is the equivalent of inviting Hannibal Lecter to your dinner party. You are not going to survive this with your job. Or your scalp.

15. You cannot blackmail principals. If this were possible, my Honda would be sitting in the Teacher of the Year parking spot right now.

16. Most teachers do not get to wear jeans every day to work. And yes, if I had known this, I probably would’ve finished my marketing degree.

17. If you get bullied for wearing 8 inch Freddie Mercury platform boots to school, this teacher will not be taking up for you. You’re a walking liability and a blatant slap in the face to fashion.

18. As a teacher, you can’t just walk into your classroom and make up a random assignment for the day. No matter what my colleagues tell you about me.

19. A real teacher would not have one favorite student who dominated all the numbers. Unless it was Mercedes.

20. Teen girls who have babies on Friday do not return to school on Monday. Unless it’s popsicle day in the caf.

So Glee, there's plenty more where that came from. I'm licensed, I'm teachery, and I can write detention slips in my sleep. I'll be waiting for your call.

JEN